How to Deal With a Sociopathic Friend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: November 12, 2022 References Approved

Does it often feel like your “best friend” is only kind and caring on the surface, and deep down is self-serving, manipulative, and lacking in empathy? If so, it's possible your friend may be a sociopath. Understanding the traits of a sociopath will help you figure out how to deal with your friend and decide whether you want to continue the friendship. In some cases, breaking up with your friend might be the best solution for your emotional well-being.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Identifying a Sociopath

1
Write down terms that describe the person. Words like “cunning,” “manipulative,” and “remorseless” will probably be on the list if they're a sociopath. Understanding the person's characteristics is critical to reevaluating your relationship. Despite their individual variations, sociopaths are likely to be manipulating, pathological liars who get close to people in order to hurt them.^{[1]
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- Contrary to some popular beliefs, not all — and in fact, very, very few — sociopaths end up as serial killers. Many aren't violent at all.
2
Look for signs that your relationship is a ruse. A sociopath may not be interested in friendship in the way you understand it. Instead of friendship with you, they may be seeking a loyal follower. They might treat you like a friend only to gain access to your companionship. In these cases, as long as you provide some value to them, they will keep you around. But once they tire of you, you will likely be abandoned.^{[2]
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- No two sociopaths are alike, and their motivations, perspectives, and actions can vary widely. You'll have to trust your best judgment in regards to your friend's sociopathy.^{[3]
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  National Health Service (UK)
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3
Don't immediately label a selfish friend a sociopath. Identifying a legitimate sociopath is always difficult, because they are very skilled at hiding their true nature. Signs of sociopathy may blend in with signs of someone who is simply a bad friend, or someone who has little experience with social interaction. Or, your friend may just be incredibly self-absorbed without being a sociopath.^{[4]
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- Of course, at the end of the day, a bad friend is a bad friend, actual sociopath or not. Someone who doesn't really care about your feelings and/or tries to manipulate you all the time is difficult to consider a friend. If the friendship doesn't benefit you and make you happy, then it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship.
- Also, keep in mind that people with avoidant attachment styles often display traits of an antisocial personality. This may be due to their inability to form relationships. These people may want to form relationships, but they may be afraid or not know how to do so.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Raising the Issue with Your Friend

1
List the times when your friend has used or wronged you. Think back over your relationship and try to identify whether there has been a lack of conscience or guilt on your friend's part. To help clear your thoughts, write down the facts and your feelings for each moment when you felt wronged. There may be trends or correlations.^{[6]
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- For instance, note the time your friend got you both a failing grade by copying off your exam, then blamed you for not making your test easier for them to see.
2
See the true nature of your friendship for what it is. Don't let sorrow or embarrassment cloud what your collected evidence tells you. It's natural to be in denial, as your friend's apparent sociopathy will be hard to swallow. But the sooner you accept the reality of the situation, the sooner you can address it honestly.^{[7]
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- You can rightly feel upset if you have been abused and manipulated. But don't feel ashamed — many sociopaths are expert abusers and manipulators and it has nothing to do with you. You are/were a means to an end for them.
- Your friend may not be a "friend" in the normal sense. It's not entirely clear whether a true sociopath can ever really be a friend — some experts say they can't truly experience emotions like caring, while others disagree. You'll have to work out the unique circumstances of your friend and your friendship.^{[8]
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3
End the relationship. Someone who is a true sociopath will not allow their reputation to be discredited and they will do whatever is possible to protect their reputation. Therefore, it is best to avoid accusing them of things or trying to justify your reason for ending the relationship. Instead, just end it.
- Sociopaths may become verbally aggressive when their integrity is questioned, so it is best to avoid confrontation.
4
Refuse to feel guilty for ending the relationship. A sociopath may seek to make you feel sorry for them as a means to regain power and maintain their image. If you feel sorry for questioning them, they consider this a victory rather than caring about the reasons for your doubt.^{[9]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Prioritizing Your Own Well-being

1
Process your emotions with healthy self-care techniques. Whether you have been victimized by a sociopathic friend or simply feel embarrassed that you didn't see the truth, it's normal to experience frustration or even anger. Realizing that your friend may not really care about you can damage your self-esteem and increase stress levels. However, keep in mind that your friend's feelings and behavior towards you are not about you. You can help combat negative emotional and physical symptoms by dedicating yourself to a self-care regimen.^{[10]
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- Meditation, yoga, deep breathing, visualization techniques, mindfulness training, reading, experiencing nature, and physical activity can all be part of a self-care plan. Find which activities enhance your feelings of peace and serenity, and utilize them regularly.
- Eating a healthy diet, drinking enough water, and getting enough sleep also support your mental and physical health.
2
Share your concerns with others who know your friend. Especially if you are concerned for your friend's well-being, consider talking to their coworkers or other people who interact with them regularly. Do not talk negatively about your sociopathic friend. Instead, calmly explain examples of their sociopathic behavior and ask if other people have noticed the same things. Don't try to tell others what to do with this information — but see if they think your friend may benefit from therapy or other forms of help.
3
Seek professional help for yourself if you need it. If you can't shake the feeling that you've been duped, used, or violated, strongly consider seeking out the help of a licensed therapist. They can help you explore the nature of your relationship with your sociopathic friend, develop coping techniques, and give you advice regarding whether to continue or end the friendship.^{[11]
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4
Cut off contact with your friend if you need to. Once you realize and accept your friend's true nature, it may be necessary for your well-being to draw back on your friendship by avoiding phone calls, canceling nights out, and so on.^{[12]
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- Your friend might use manipulation to try to keep you under their control, or just lose interest in you. In either case, hold firm to your needs and your choices. Maintaining your boundaries is very important.
5
Break off the friendship completely if necessary. Tell the sociopath to leave you alone. Be assertive, firm, direct, and consistent. Your soon-to-be-former friend may try to manipulate you into changing course via guilt, lies, or other means.^{[13]
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- Your best counter to these efforts is to never waver in your decision: “I'm sorry, Ben, I've decided that we can't be friends anymore. It's not healthy for me to be around you. Nothing you say can change my mind.”
6
Accept reality. Friendship with a sociopath is possible in many cases. You don't have to stop hanging out with them just because they can't be the ideal friend all the time, unless they are harming you. Even if the friendship doesn't go deeper than mildly pleasant chatting to pass the time, it doesn't mean they're necessarily out to get you.^{[14]
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- A sociopath still has feelings — even if they're missing some — and there are cases where a sociopath will connect with a person. When that happens, it is usually to further their own ambitions and it has little to do with you. Just make sure you are not being manipulated.
- If they are rude or otherwise inconsiderate, let them know. If you enjoy spending time with them and value their company, let them know. Sociopaths are individuals with emotional issues, and they need extremely clear directions regarding emotional concerns.

Warnings

It should be noted that not all sociopaths are the same. The traits listed above are not always present in every case.

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You cannot change this person. Do not even try. Sociopathy is considered a permanent mental illness.

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