How to Deal with an Abusive Boss

Last Updated: March 3, 2023 References

An abusive boss can create a toxic work atmosphere that compromises your mental and physical health. Some estimates suggest that 80% of employees who quit their jobs do so because of their bosses.^{[1]
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Research source} There are several strategies you can use to try to remedy an abusive situation. Some abuse may even warrant legal action, but sometimes, your best defense is to know when to find another job.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Identifying an Abusive Boss

1
Acknowledge obvious, illegal abuse. Some types of abuse are explicitly prohibited under the law, including discrimination and sexual harassment. Approximately 70% of workplace sexual harassment incidents go unreported. The first step to protecting yourself from these types of abuse is recognizing and acknowledging abuse when it occurs. You may initially rationalize these behaviors or chalk them up to your workplace's culture, but excusing abuse only perpetuates it.
- Sexual harassment can include inappropriate comments, requests for sexual favors, pressuring and controlling behavior, and unwanted physical contact.
- Discrimination includes unfair treatment based on the employee's sex, age, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability, or other legally-protected characteristic.
2
Recognize abusive behavior patterns. There are other types of abuse that are not necessarily illegal, but are nonetheless harmful and disruptive. Some bosses are verbally abusive (to you directly, or behind your back), while others use their position to manipulate situations and cause trouble for employees. A boss who snaps once in a while might just be having a bad day, but one who regularly belittles you, insults you, or makes your job difficult is probably displaying abusive behavior. If you recognize a pattern of abuse, take action.

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3
Check your health. Workplace abuse is linked to stress, which can have many adverse health effects, including depression, tension, heart disease, and self-medicating behaviors.^{[2]
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Research source}^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If you have noticed a decline in your health due to workplace stress, you can still take control of your situation.
- Some signs of stress include high blood pressure, feeling nauseated the night before you start your work week, and using up your vacation days just to get a break from work.^{[4]
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4
Take notes. Document all incidences of abusive behavior by keeping a record. Write down the date and time of each incident, as well as what your boss said and did. Record the names of any co-workers or others who witnessed the incident.^{[5]
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Research source} You may also want to keep a journal describing how these interactions affected you, including how you felt after the incident and whether it continued to bother you or affect your work. Your notes will be helpful when confronting your boss, or filing a complaint with human resources or a government agency.^{[6]
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- Keep copies of any related emails, and record any illnesses or doctor visits related to the effects of the abuse.^{[7]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Talking About the Problem

1
Let your emotions subside. Don't confront your boss when you are emotional, if you can help it. If you appear emotional, your boss may interpret it as a sign of hostility or weakness. To make the best impact, give yourself time to cool off.^{[8]
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Research source} You will be better equipped to communicate and negotiate if you are feeling calm and clear-headed.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lauren Krasny
Executive, Strategic, & Personal Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.}
2
Examine the situation from your boss's perspective. Ask yourself, if your boss tends to yell at employees, why is he or she so upset? Some people yell because they are just mean, but is it possible that your boss is stressed at work or at home? Your boss may come off as extremely intense because he or she is under a lot of pressure to succeed. If you can empathize with your boss's situation, it may drain some of the tension out of the situation.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.}
3
Confront your boss. Even if it doesn't make the problem go away, confronting your boss can be an important step in improving your situation.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.} Schedule a meeting about improving your workplace relationship. Even if your boss does not change his or her behavior, standing up for yourself can improve your mental health and keep you from feeling like a victim. In addition, your boss might decide that you're not such an easy target and leave you alone.^{[12]
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- Prepare for your meeting by reviewing and bringing notes about past abusive incidents. Refer to specific incidents at your meeting instead of making general complaints. For example, telling your boss "you always insult me at work" is ineffective, because it is overly general and easy to deny. Instead, try, "You often insult me at work, including twice during Monday's staff meeting and yesterday in the break room. I am open to constructive criticism of my work, but I want you to stop making jokes at my expense."
- You can also stand up for yourself in the moment when your boss engages in abusive behavior. Saying something as simple as, "I will not tolerate that kind of language," and walking away can be an effective response to verbal abuse.
4
Be an active listener.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.} When your boss makes a point, repeat and rephrase that point in your response. This demonstrates that you are truly listening and understanding what your boss is saying. If your boss was not clear, ask him or her to clarify.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.}
- You can use this principle when you initiate your discussion by repeating the underlying message behind your boss's behavior. This shows that you understand and take responsibility for his or her complaint, which may make your boss more receptive to your criticism of his or her delivery. For example, "I understand why you were upset yesterday. The report I gave you did not address one of the issues you asked for, and I told you I would revise it by the end of the day. However, I don't think it was necessary for you to curse and raise your voice to make your point."
5
Choose your words diplomatically. When proposing solutions to your problem, use qualifying words, such as "perhaps" and "maybe."^{[15]
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Research source} For example, "Maybe you could start giving written instructions so that there is no misunderstanding about the details of this assignment." By using "maybe," you are offering a suggestion, but not giving an instruction or demand.
- Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For instance, "I need guidance" as opposed to "You haven't given me enough guidance."^{[16]
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6
Look for common ground.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach
Expert Interview. 27 March 2020.} To improve your work relationship going forward, you and your boss will need to find some common ground. Since you work together, you have certain common goals and experiences in common. Perhaps you share a common stressor, such as a looming project or deadline. You might try to work some of these common experiences into your discussion.
- For example, "You must be getting a lot of pressure about your presentation at the upcoming shareholder's meeting. The rest of the team is anxious about it too, and we'll all be glad when it's over, so let me know if I can help you prepare this week."
7
Go over your boss's head. If talking to your boss didn't work, or if you are afraid that a confrontation will make your situation worse, you may need to talk to someone else or another department within your workplace. Workplace tensions can harm productivity and cost the company money, so your boss's supervisor should want to know if your boss is creating a hostile or counter-productive work environment.^{[18]
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- You can also make a complaint with your human resources department. The department may investigate and/or attempt to mediate the situation. At minimum, initiating a complaint with HR creates official documentation of your boss's abuse.^{[19]
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- If your employer has a contract with an employee assistance program (EAP), you should be able to get contact information from your HR department. EAP professionals usually offer free counseling and support that can help you deal with an abusive boss.^{[20]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Coping with a Bad Boss

1
Practice engaged indifference.^{[21]
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Research source} It is possible to distance yourself from the unpleasant aspects of your work without checking out. This requires actively trying to rise above unpleasant situations and remain indifferent to your own emotional reactions.^{[22]
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Research source} Like in meditation, you can practice changing your attitudes and emotions at work.
- "Watch" your emotions as they pass through you.^{[23]
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  Research source} When you get angry, think to yourself "I am feeling angry, but I don't have to show it or give into the emotion." With practice, you can choose not to react to abusive or aggressive behavior, and stay cool and professional. You can focus on your work without getting drawn into conflict, and your boss lose interest in picking fights with you.
2
Work around your boss. Do what you can to avoid opportunities for your boss to act out. Communicate via email and voicemail as often as possible to avoid in-person confrontation. Anticipate that your boss is going to be dissatisfied with your work, and prepare yourself in advance to offer to revise your work, rather than start an argument about your boss's expectations.^{[24]
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3
Look at the big picture. Maybe your boss is under a lot of stress at work, or has problems at home.^{[25]
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Research source} This does not excuse abusive behavior, but it can help explain it. Remember that you still have the respect of your coworkers, who are also suffering under a bad boss. With any luck, management will recognize that your abusive boss is ineffective and hire someone else.
4
Consider a little "upward hostility." A study published in Personnel Psychology suggests that employees who engage in passive-aggressive behavior at work are generally happier and more productive in their careers.^{[26]
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Research source} However, the study does not recommend passive-aggressiveness. Acting out can get you in trouble, harm your reputation, and have a negative impact on your employer's business. That said, you may be able to reclaim a sense of control at work and show your boss that you have a backbone.
- Passive-aggressive behaviors noted in the study include ignoring an unpleasant supervisor, pretending not to know about something, and making a half-hearted effort at a task.^{[27]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Quitting or Taking Legal Action

1
Consider quitting. One survey estimates that abused employees put up with workplace abuse for an average of 22 months before quitting.^{[28]
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Research source} If you have an abusive boss, ask yourself whether the situation is likely to improve, and whether it might be better to look for a new job now. Remember, you still have the skills and qualifications that got you this job.^{[29]
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Expert Source

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Expert Interview. 22 November 2019.} You can find a better fit somewhere else.
- If you can't find a new job before quitting, find out if your state law permits workers who quit their jobs to collect unemployment benefits.^{[30]
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  Research source} You can collect unemployment benefits if you quit for good cause, but each state defines "good cause" differently.^{[31]
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  Research source} For example, in California, you probably have good cause to quit if your boss is hostile and/or abusive, but you usually must try to fix or report the problem before you quit.^{[32]
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2
Determine whether you were constructively discharged. "Constructive discharge" means that even though you quit your job, you were essentially forced to do so by your employer. This can occur when your employer creates working conditions (or allows conditions to continue) that are so terrible that you feel that you have no choice but to quit. To prove constructive discharge, you must show that you suffered mistreatment so intolerable that any reasonable employee would choose to quit, and that you tried to stop the mistreatment by complaining to your boss or HR department. Talk to an attorney about filing a lawsuit against your employer for wrongful termination and constructive discharge.
- If you win a constructive discharge suit, you may be entitled to back pay, front pay from the time of the case to the time you are rehired or find another job, and damages.^{[33]
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3
Consult an attorney. There are many kinds of abusive behavior, but since you can't sue your boss just for being a jerk, most of them don't warrant legal action. However, if you have suffered sexual harassment, discrimination, or sufficient threats, physical contact, or intimidation to make you feel endangered, you may have a case. You can get referrals from friends and family, or from attorneys who may not practice family law but know a trusted colleague who does. You can also use referral services through your state and local bar associations, or just search online.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should I quit if my boss is a miserable manager, or wait until I find a new job first?

Meredith Walters, MBA
Certified Career Coach
Meredith Walters is a Certified Career Coach who helps people develop the skills they need to find meaningful, fulfilling work. Meredith has over eight years of career and life coaching experience, including conducting training at Emory University's Goizueta School of Business and the US Peace Corps. She is a former Member of the Board of Directors of ICF-Georgia. She earned her coaching credentials from New Ventures West and a Master of Business Administration from the University of San Francisco.

Meredith Walters, MBA

Certified Career Coach

Expert Answer

This is a deeply personal question and nobody can answer it for you. For some people, it's better to have something lined up before you leave your current job. For other people, it's better to get out as soon as possible. It really depends on your personality, risk tolerance, and finances.
Question

How can I handle an aggressive boss?

Jessica Notini, JD
Negotiation & Mediation Coach
Jessica Notini is a Negotiation and Mediation Coach practicing in California and internationally in many Latin countries. She is also a Lecturer at Stanford Law School and an Adjunct Professor at Boalt School of Law, Hastings College of the Law, and Mills College's MBA Program. She is the past Chair of the California State Bar Alternative Dispute Resolution Committee, served as the President of the Association for Dispute Resolution of Northern California (formerly NCMA), and was a member of the Board of Directors for the Mediation Society of San Francisco. She was recognized for her leadership and years of dedication with the California Dispute Resolution Council’s 2012 Don Weckstein Award. She has a BA in Psychology from Wesleyan University and a JD from the University of Michigan.

Jessica Notini, JD

Negotiation & Mediation Coach

Expert Answer

See if you can get a meeting with your boss to address them directly. Be sure you actively listen to what they have to say so you understand them better.

Warnings

This article is intended as legal information and does not provide legal advice. If you need legal advice, contact a licensed attorney.

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