How to Differentiate Between Love and Friendship

Co-authored by Cherlyn Chong

Last Updated: November 3, 2022 References

It’s normal to love your friends. But how can you be sure that what you are feeling is not actually romantic love? Sometimes it might be hard to tell the difference between platonic friendship and a different kind of love. If you’re feeling confused, take some time to examine your relationship. Think about specific examples of times that you’ve experienced feelings of love. You can also consider your priorities. What are you looking for in a partner? Do you want to try to take the relationship to the next level? There are ways you can figure this out without risking the friendship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Taking a Close Look at Your Friendship

1
Compare this relationship to others. Think about how a certain relationship compares to the other friendships in your life. You probably have lots of friends, but only one person is your possible love. With this person, you might value that relationship more than the other people in your life. You may also feel a more intense connection to this person.^{[1]
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- Maybe you can't imagine a day going by without talking to this person. With a friend, you probably won't mind going a week or two without meeting up. With someone you love, that could seem like eternity.
2
Rate the intensity of your feelings. Spend some time thinking about how powerful your emotions are. You can feel many of the same things for both a friend and lover, but when you're in love, these feelings might be really intense! In general, the more emotional you feel about a certain person, the more likely you are experiencing love.
- For example, you might feel chemistry with your friend because you both laugh at the same jokes and have an easy time talking to each other. When you love someone these feelings are more intense. You might feel giddy or excited.^{[2]
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- One way to consider how deep your feelings go for a person is to consider how you feel when you're apart. When you're in love, it's hard to be away from someone for long periods of time.
- If you're in love, you'll also likely feel special when you're around the person.^{[3]
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3
Notice physical reactions. Your body can actually help you figure out how you feel. When you're with your possible love interest, your heart beat might become more rapid or you might feel like you have butterflies in your stomach. Maybe you even become nervous and flustered. You probably won't start giggling or sweating when you're just hanging with a friend.
- When you meet up with a friend, you are probably excited. However, you probably won’t experience any major physical changes when you see them or give them a hug.
- With someone you love, you might not be able to control the way your body reacts. Your palms may sweat, your voice might become shaky, or your heartbeat could increase.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Deciding What You Want

1
Decide if you want a romantic relationship. You can tell the difference between love and friendship by thinking about the amount of attention you give someone. If you love someone, you’ll likely think about them often and want to stay in regular communication with them. You probably won’t think of a friend as much throughout the day and won’t have the same longing to talk to them.
- You might think of your friend when something reminds you of them during your day—maybe a song you both like or a story that reminds you of an experience with them.
- When you love someone, they’ll likely be on your mind throughout the day, whether you’re reminded of them or not. You might even find yourself daydreaming about them.^{[5]
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EXPERT TIP

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach
Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach. With 6 years of experience, she specializes in working with high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She has experience as an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach

Deal with pressing personal matters before dating. You might be overwhelmed by a lot of tasks or chores in your life that you haven't dealt with. Before you begin dating, you need to start checking those things off your to-do list, or you might struggle to maintain a healthy relationship because you're constantly distracted.
2
Figure out how much attention you want to get. Are you happy with the way this person treats you? If they only give you a high five as a greeting, you might wish for something more intimate. Maybe you find yourself wishing for more texts from them. Not hearing from a friend throughout the day won’t be as disappointing as not hearing from someone you love.
- If you are excited to hear from one of your friends frequently throughout the day or get butterflies in your stomach when their name pops up on your phone, this could be a sign that you want a relationship.^{[6]
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3
Talk to a friend or family member. It can be difficult to be objective about your own life. Try talking to someone you trust, like a close friend or sibling. This person can give you an outside perspective on how the person acts toward you and whether or not they believe it is just friendship or whether it could be love.
- For example, a friend may notice that the person you love looks at you when you’re not paying attention. They might also notice that the person talks about you a lot when you’re not there—another sign that they think of you as more than a friend.
4
Reflect on your feelings. Figuring out your emotions can be tricky and can take a lot of self-reflection. To help figure out if you have friendly feelings or loving feelings for someone, be honest with yourself about how they make you feel.
- Make a list to keep track of your feelings throughout the week. Write down how you feel when you talk to this person or when you think about them. For example, you might write that you felt excited when this person called you or nervous when you were hanging out with them.
- Consider what's attracting you to the person in question. For example, you may have an unfulfilled need that this person seems to fill. For example, if you don't feel popular and this person is a star athlete, then you may be interested in them because you like the way it feels to be with someone you view as popular. In most cases, feelings that are based on external factors like this are not real love.
5
Write in a journal. Take a few minutes every day to write about your interactions with the people around you. This might help you see if you are acting differently toward this person than you are toward your other friends. It could also help you uncover whether or not they are treating you like a friend or lover.
- Try to reflect on specific situations. For example, think about a time you saw this person talking to another person and reflect on how it made you feel. Did you feel jealous? Did it not affect you at all?^{[7]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving Forward in Your Relationship

1
Be confident. You might be really nervous to try to change your relationship. That’s normal! However, try to act confident. Confidence can help you find the right words to say and figure out how to make your case.^{[8]
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- Give yourself a pep talk. Try saying something like, “I’m a fun, caring person. Bob would be lucky to be with me.”
2
Act flirtatious. You can test the waters by casually flirting with your love interest. Start by holding eye contact for a second longer than you normally would. You can also pay more attention to them. If you’re in a group setting, focus on having a conversation with them.^{[9]
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- Try some casual touching. Lay your hand on theirs while you are laughing at a joke.
3
Alter your language. Friends tend to speak to each other very casually. This can mean casual nicknames, such as “buddy”, “friend”, or “kid”. When you catch yourself using terms like this, check yourself. Those types of names are mainly used between people who are just friends. Try referring to them by their name instead.^{[10]
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- When people are in love, they often use cute pet names for each other, which have a deep, romantic connection for the couple. For example, they may call each other sweetie, darling, or baby.
4
Ask them out. Be direct and ask them on a date. You will never know if you two will work as an item if you don’t try to date. Be honest and open. Make it clear that you are proposing some one-on-one time.
- You can say, “I’d really like to spend some one-on-one time with you. Would you like to have dinner with me Friday night?”^{[11]
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5
Accept the other person's response. If the person you love doesn’t feel the same way towards you, this can hurt. You might feel rejected and be upset with the other person. Try to understand that this person is probably not trying to hurt your feelings, but they feel it is important to be honest with you. Don’t try to make the other person feel bad for not sharing your feelings. If you’re not sure what to say, try some of the following:
- “Thank you for being honest with me. I was hoping you’d feel differently, but I understand you can’t change how you feel.”
- “I appreciate your honesty. I’d still like to be friends, but I hope you’ll understand that I may need some time to deal with my feelings.”^{[12]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

What do you do when you fall in love with your best friend?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

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Talk to them to find out if they feel the same way about you. First, try acting a little flirty toward them. If they flirt back, then they may have feelings for you. The person you love should also be a good best friend to you!
Question

There's this guy who has liked me for the past two years. I hate him, lol, although he has always been nice to me. My brain finally told me that I like him, but I only want to be friends w/ him. What should I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Tell him directly that you only want to be friends with him, and avoid leading him on. Openly discuss your feelings with him, being completely honest. Then allow him to share his feelings as well. At first, it may hurt him to hear this. However, honesty will be better in the long-term. He will be able to move on to someone new who can give him a fulfilling relationship, rather than hoping that things will work out with you.
Question

It's really difficult to know as he's one of those types of guys that have trouble expressing emotions unless he's in a group. Yet he acts like I'm special to him. Could he really like me back? He's autistic like me.

Community Answer

If he has trouble expressing his emotions, you may have to ask him directly how he feels about you. If he acts like you are special to him, there's a good possibility he likes you too.