How to Distinguish Between a Friend and a Lover

Have you ever wondered if a person in your life thinks of you as a friend – or a lover? Or whether you think of a person in your life as one or the other? There are telltale signs that will help you figure out whether that person in your life is a lover or really just a friend.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Studying Their Words

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    Be honest, and pose the question. Do you want to know whether your friend has a romantic interest in you? Go ahead, and just ask. This is the easiest way to find out.[1] When you get your answer there can be no confusion.[2]
    • A good movie line is always "What am I to you?" It may feel cheesy, but the best thing is just going with it. If they don't give you a straight answer and you stay with them, then it's probably because you don't know what you want either. A lover will just know. They won't be unsure.[3]
    • The bottom line: If they like you as more than a friend, when you pose the question, they will make that clear, either through words or body language. If they get really uncomfortable, try to leave, or tell you they don’t feel the same way, accept that they probably have you in the friend zone.
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    Analyze the emotionalism in the words they use. Do they use the word date? Do they use words that connote affection and emotion? If they are trying to forge intimacy with you using words – if they want to know your every secret – they are probably a lover.
    • "I love you.” It’s obvious, but it’s also true. Those are the magical words that indicate there’s no way you’re just a friend. That’s especially true if they say it first.
    • Do you find yourself talking about what the future might be like with that person? Do either one of you ever bring up the future? If so – you’re probably thinking about being lovers. Also, people who are lovers will sound more flustered or stressed. Men may raise the pitch of their voice, and women may lower theirs.[4]
    • Has he hinted that you’re just friends? This is where you might get a hint from him if you've accidentally overdone it. You’ve asked him to hang out, but he always brings other friends into the equation, for example. If he’s always pushing you away from one-on-one intimacy, he might be hinting that he thinks of you as a friend.
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    Understand that it could be both. Or a different answer at different stages of your life. The best lovers start out as friends.
    • Sometimes it may happen that a good friend becomes a lover and can become a very good life partner also. But, it's very important that a good lover should be a good friend first.
    • It might be more fruitful to ask yourself why the distinction even matters. While society has categories for varying levels of emotional/physical intimacy, they are just that: categories. Those categories can easily change or not apply to everyone.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Considering the Body Language

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    Study his or her level of eye contact. This is very important. Always watch to see how the other person looks at you. If he or she is staring at you, he or she obviously finds you attractive and interesting, which is good. But if the person just glances at you, they could be showing they just want to be friends and that they aren't looking for anything else but friendship.[5]
    • Be aware that this is very individual to the person's personality type. For example, it's possible that a shy person likes you but doesn't make eye contact because they are nervous or even flirting. However, sustained eye contact is usually a good sign.
    • A person who is a friend won't look at you the same way as someone who is interested in you. A person who is interested in you basically can't take his/her eyes off you, and maybe even has a little smile on his/her face while he/she does that.
    • Look at them and have a small conversation. If the person really likes you, he or she will be looking at your lips. But if they finish the conversation and look away, they might think of you as just being a friend. If they stare at you for 2-3 seconds, you are an option; if they stare at you longer, they like you. Try looking into their eyes when they speak or moving yourself slightly closer to them. If they copy your movements, there's a chance they are interested in you.
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    Pay attention to whether the person touches you and how he or she touches you. Lovers are more intimate than friends are, and the key way this is accomplished is through physical touch, even incidentally.[6]
    • How does the person hug you? A friend hugs you quickly and maybe talks to you while doing it. A lover hugs you for a little while, but maybe not too long because they may not want to be too obvious.
    • Also some might even put their hands in your hair (or play with their own). This is a way that women especially show a man they are interested.
    • A lover would always be a romantic, either touching/tapping you on the arm or flirting and giving out signs constantly in hope that you would listen. Lovers are closer, touching wise, sharing wise, and generally in spending time together. Lovers don't require as much personal space.
    • A friend may either try to cheer you up or maybe he or she will just sit with you and let you talk it out then watch a movie or two with you while eating your favorite food. A lover will do the same thing as a friend, most likely, but he or she might put an arm around you. You might think they're doing it just comfortingly, but they might mean it in a different way.
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    Determine whether their body language is open or closed to you. There are many cues that will help you assess whether someone is interested in you or not.
    • Signs of open body language include their feet pointing toward you and not away, their body facing you or leaning toward you, not much space between you, strong eye contact, and the arms not folded across the chest.[7] Open palms is another sign of positive or open body language.
    • Signs of closed body language (indicating disinterest) include feet pointing away from you, body tilted away, lots of space between you, shifting eye contact, hands down, and folded arms.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Analyzing How You Fit Into Their Life

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    Assess the amount of contact. Ask yourself, which of your friends is currently texting you? Which of your friends is currently calling you? Which of your friends is trying to keep steady conversation and progress a relationship with you? Who is learning about you?
    • If this sounds like the person you are asking about, it's because there is potential interest in you, and they want to keep exploring the possibility that you are the one.
    • If you see them infrequently and always with a group (and they don’t seem to be pushing for more frequent or individual contact), that’s a sign they like you as a friend.
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    Study how they act around other people when they are with you. They will probably give away the friend or lover vibe when there are other people around.[8]
    • If being rude is in your friend’s personality, they may not hide that because they feel comfortable that you accept them for who they are no matter what they act like. They don’t go overboard trying to impress you. A lover may suddenly become nicer when you're around.
    • Some girls bite or twirl their hair, blush, giggle, and usually just try to get your attention. Boys are not that different. Guys usually try to act cool and do stuff like laugh harder, try to be the center of attention, and kind of act like jocks – if they are trying to impress you.
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    Study the frequency of contact and whether you know his closest circle. He (or she) sees you several times a week, including weekends. You have met most or all his friends and coworkers. Everyone has heard about you. He makes plans for the future about you two, everything from buying a house, bed sheets, fried chicken, a ring, the brake job on the car. He talks as if you two will be together forever. He takes photos of you two and they are all around his house. He is very interested in what you do, think and where you go. He’s a lover.
    • How often do you think about this person? Can you ignore them or do you have to text back ASAP? Are they the first person you go to with big news (and are you)?
    • A lover is someone who puts you as their number one priority, and you are more likely to spend more time together and share the same lifestyle. Lovers spend most of their time with you. They are always making plans to see you.
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    See whether the relationship has a sexual component. Don’t fall for the trap of assuming sex means you’re in the lover role. Guys who don't love you and have sex with you, do not bond with you. Women have a tendency to bond more with guys when they have sex. However, sexuality is a component of most relationships that move from friend to lover.
    • Another piece of this puzzle is the lumping together of love and sex- historically, this was not always the case. If you had one-time, unplanned, casual sex with a friend, just be friends. If you date and have repeated good, exciting, and emotional sex with someone, they are a lover.
    • Sexual chemistry is a strong hint that he likes you for more. A friend is someone with whom we have fun and can share our deepest secrets with if we're really close with them; they are someone we go to the movies with or watch a sports game together. A lover is often just the same, only with an added sexual layer to the relationship, and an overall greater intensity. You think about them more, you feel excited and nervous in their presence etc.[9]
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    Determine whether they - or you - seem jealous. Jealousy can mean that a person cares in a way a friend doesn’t. Friends aren’t jealous if they are real friends because they want you to be happy. However, if you are jealous it could also be a sign that the love is unrequited or not returned.[10]
    • When your friend acts rude to a new friend whom you like, or always seems to put down the person you like, it's possible that they like you. They might be jealous and worried that person is going to take you away from them.
    • Do you get annoyed or feel irritated when he/she checks another person out or says anything good about their attractiveness in front of you? If you do, he or she is probably a lover.
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    Analyze the person's actions. Does this certain someone try to spend time with you alone? They may be a potential crush. But if they only speak to you with a bigger group of mutual friends, or are already taken, chances are, they're just a really good friend.[11]
    • With a friend, they won't ever really act flustered around you. If you've ever been to a pool party and have that one friend who always sees you and gets flustered, that's one way to tell.
    • Consider whether he or she chases you. If you don't have to do anything to chase this person because they’re always around or trying to get you to hang out, they’re probably interested. If you have to make any effort, they are probably not that interested.
    • Consider whether your mood changes when you see this person. The feelings you get near a lover are not the same as a friend; they are closer and deeper. For example, you may feel happy around a certain friend, but with the person you love you feel as if your day has gone better by just having seen them.
    • When you are around them, do you get butterflies or do you just wave and chat? When you sit near or next to them at the lunch table do you think about holding hands or do you think about lunch? When you see them out of school do you blush and smile or do you calmly walk over to them and start a conversation? Do you find yourself dreaming about them when in or out of school? If so, you are in love with that person.
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    Consider how much you – or they - are willing to give up and how much you know each other. True love is all about a continuous sacrifice. It never ends. Your friends may not always be around, especially when your tough times start to become their tough times. But your lover will, and you may have to sacrifice a job, your health, money, time, and other things for them.
    • A lover knows you more than you know yourself. A lover would argue with you but wouldn’t stay mad at you because they just care too much. A lover would know your past...all the wrongs you’ve done but he/she would look past it, and they wouldn’t use it against you.
    • A lover would care for you when you’re down. That means that they bring you pizza and they would always imagine their future with you. If they want to travel to live in another country or find a new place to live in, they would always picture you with them. A lover would love you for who you are, even with your flaws.
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    Pay attention to whether you keep their focus. This is the bottom line. Someone who considers you a lover will be more invested in you, more available to you, and they will make you a priority in their life.
    • How do they talk to you? Friends will start talking to someone else even though they were just talking to you and yell a 'hi' or 'hey' to someone they are friends with while talking to you. A lover is completely focused on you. Even if someone else says hi to them or tries to talk to them, they might not even notice unless you point it out or the other person does something like snap in their face to get their attention.
    • When your friend always seems to care more than they should, or they always tend to be worried if you’re okay, they most likely like you as more than a friend (or wish you liked them as more).
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    What does it mean when he views your story?
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    It doesn't really mean anything. If he's interested, he'll comment on your posts, DM you, invite you to things, or do something else to reach out.
  • Question
    How do I know if a guy likes me but is scared?
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    If he's messaging you, try being a little flirtatious back to him. That way, you can let him know that you're interested in him too.
  • Question
    How can I tell if he likes me more than a friend?
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).
    Alessandra Conti
    Alessandra Conti
    Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    He might try to get closer to you physically and emotionally. Watch to see if he leans in while you're around him.
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Warnings

  • Be kind if you only like someone as a friend, but they like you for more. It's painful for them. Show empathy.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • If a person just likes you as a friend, but you want more, at some point you need to accept that or you could wreck the friendship too.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ Alessandra Conti. Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 March 2021
  2. ↑ http://www.slideshare.net/SacredLove/dating-friend-or-lover
  3. ↑ http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a3443/blogger-love-boyfriend-or-friend-chemistry/
  4. ↑ http://news.health.com/2013/10/04/friend-or-lover-your-voice-may-give-you-away/
  5. ↑ http://learnbodylanguage.org/male_flirting_1.html
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201108/body-language-basics
  7. ↑ Alessandra Conti. Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 March 2021
  8. ↑ https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn25636-more-than-just-friends-7-secret-tests-of-attraction/
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201306/friends-and-lovers
  1. ↑ http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/6/3/from-friends-to-lovers.html
  2. ↑ Alessandra Conti. Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 19 March 2021

About This Article

Alessandra Conti
Co-authored by:
Alessandra Conti
Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Alessandra Conti. Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM). This article has been viewed 160,912 times.
2 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 19
Updated: May 24, 2022
Views: 160,912
Categories: Handling Friendship Problems
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