How to Fix a Broken Marriage God's Way

Co-authored by Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: November 30, 2022 References

As a Christian dealing with a broken marriage, it's natural to turn to God for healing and hope. Believe it or not, most marriages go through difficult periods just like the one you're dealing with now—even the godliest ones. Through the power of faith, many Christian couples are able to fully restore their marriages. Our comprehensive guide will walk you through the different ways you can lean on God to repair your relationship and come back stronger than ever.

1

Put God first in your marriage.

Make your relationship with God the top priority. In a godly marriage, you and your partner should pray for and with each other, go to church together, and study God's word together. The spiritual gifts you'll get as a result—kindness, patience, perseverance, self-control, and so on—will help you navigate your relationship with more grace and forgiveness.^{[1]
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- Even if your spouse isn't involved in your spiritual life, devoting yourself to a closer relationship with God can help you find peace as you fix your marriage.
- In 1 Chronicles 16:11, the Bible describes the way you should pursue a relationship with God: "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."

2

Pray consistently.

Talk to God about your spouse and your marriage. One of the most loving acts you can do in a marriage is to pray for your partner. Ask God to bless them, uplift them, and help them to grow. You can also ask God to help you show your partner the love they need from you. These humble prayers will demonstrate your selfless love for your spouse and your desire to truly repair your marriage.^{[2]
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- Try not to pray for a specific outcome—sometimes God answers your prayers in a way that doesn't look quite like what you expected. For instance, you might pray that your spouse will find a better job, but God might intend for the two of you to learn to live more simply.

3

Take responsibility for your part in the problem.

Make changes to yourself to heal the marriage.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} A broken marriage is almost never entirely one person's fault. Sometimes it can be easy to see how your actions impacted the marriage, like if you had an affair or broke your partner's trust. Other times, it might be more subtle, like having unrealistic expectations of marriage or having a critical attitude toward your partner.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- For instance, you may have expected your partner to spend every weekend doing fun couple things. If they want to spend time with their friends on the weekends, it could lead to resentment on both sides. Understanding how your expectations impacted that situation can make it easier to compromise with your spouse.
- If you find yourself frequently snapping at your partner, they may start to feel like there's no point in making an effort, so they might withdraw. You can repair that damage by speaking more kindly and focusing on the positive things they do.
- Directly stating what you did wrong and how you know your actions were improper can go a very long way to your partner. Show them you care by admitting your mistake.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}

4

Forgive your partner for past hurts.

Let go of the pain you're holding against them.^{[7]
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Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} No matter what your spouse has done to hurt you, you have to forgive them if you want to move forward in your marriage. In fact, in Colossians 3:13, the Bible instructs us to "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." That means forgiving them with unconditional love and completely releasing any resentment toward your spouse.^{[8]
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- Forgiving your spouse doesn't mean you have to completely forget about whatever happened.^{[9]
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  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Set healthy boundaries with your partner so you both know what is and isn't acceptable in the future.
- For instance, even if you forgive your spouse for cheating, you might still ask them to openly share their devices and passwords with you until you feel comfortable that you can trust them again.
- When discussing the situation, speak from your feelings. There’s no doubt that a cheating partner knows how much they have hurt you, but stating directly how and why you are hurt, and speaking from your feelings will be most effective.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
Expert Answer

Q

Can you fix a broken marriage?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

EXPERT ADVICE

Answer from Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST:

Definitely! The journey of healing really requires honesty with yourself, as well as understanding the cycle within your relationship that both parties contribute to. You also have to be willing to own and understand your side of that cycle, and be willing to step outside of that and build a new way of relating to each other.

5

Accept your partner for who they are.

You can fix your marriage without changing your spouse. When things aren't going well in your marriage, you may find yourself praying for God to change your spouse. But prayers like "God, please help him stay home more often," or "God, make my partner less critical," aren't going to heal your marriage. In those prayers, you're prioritizing what YOU want for the relationship, rather than God's design for your marriage. Instead, open your heart to rebuilding a relationship with who your spouse actually is, not who you want them to be.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- If you have a pre-set idea of what your healed, healthy marriage will look like, you could actually be working against God's plan for you and your spouse.
- Try praying something like, "God, help me stop being critical of my partner. I want to love them openly, the way I did when we were first married."

6

Choose to love your spouse, even when it's hard.

Love doesn't always come easily. Sure, it might feel easy in the beginning, when everything is brand new and you can't imagine ever arguing with this person. But after a while, daily life takes its toll, and you might find it harder to feel those butterflies. The amazing thing about love, though, is it isn't just something that happens to you. When you choose to love your spouse even when times are hard, you'll be rebuilding your marriage with a strong, healthy foundation.^{[13]
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- In Ephesians 5:28, the Bible says, "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies." This applies to all spouses—you don't stop loving yourself because you have a broken arm, and you shouldn't stop loving your spouse just because there's a problem in your marriage.

7

Show gratitude for your spouse.

Tell them something you appreciate each day. In Ephesians 5:20, the Bible tells us to "Be thankful." It's no coincidence that this comes right before a passage on how spouses should treat each other. When you make it a priority to express gratitude to your spouse each day, it can help restore those bonds of love and trust in your marriage. It's also a way to give your partner positive feedback about the things you like, so they may be encouraged to keep doing them.^{[14]
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- When you and your partner are really struggling, it might seem hard to find anything to be thankful for. Start small with something like, "Thanks for taking out the trash," or "I appreciate you for doing the laundry."
- As you get more into the habit of sharing your gratitude each day, it will get easier to find things to be thankful for.

8

Be willing to compromise.

Marriage requires a lot of give and take. It can be hard to give up ground to your partner, especially if they've hurt you or you feel strongly that you're right. However, in Ephesians 5:21, the Bible tells spouses, "Submit to one another." That means in order to have a godly marriage, you have to be willing to listen to each other's needs and make the choice to put them first.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- Compromise looks different for everyone. It might mean finding a middle ground on how to discipline your children, setting boundaries with the in-laws, or deciding where to live or work.
- Don't give up, even if you sometimes feel like you're the only one willing to compromise. In time, your spouse will notice how hard you're trying. If they're still invested in the marriage, eventually they'll try to meet you in the middle.

9

Treat your spouse with respect.

Respecting each other can be hard, but keep trying. When you feel like your marriage is fractured, feelings of resentment, anger, and contempt can affect the way you treat your spouse. Do your best to let go of those hurts, and stay focused on the present moment so you can speak to your spouse in a loving, respectful way.^{[17]
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- Being respectful toward your spouse might look like listening attentively when they speak, carefully considering their point of view, and speaking calmly even if you disagree with what they're saying.

10

Trust in God's plan.

God doesn't want your marriage to fail. In the Bible, God makes it clear that marriage is a sacred bond between two people. Genesis 2:24 says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." God brought you and your spouse together to become one, and He wants to see you grow together. Even when times are hard, trust Him and His ability to heal your marriage.^{[18]
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- Things might not get better overnight, but try to be patient as you work on your marriage.
- Proverbs 3:5-6 describes this type of faith: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."^{[19]
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11

Take a break when you feel upset.

Change the patterns around how you handle conflict. As you work to heal your marriage, chances are pretty good that eventually, you're going to run into some conflict. Don't let that discourage you. It might not feel like it in the moment, but this is actually a really good opportunity to learn to handle disagreements differently in the future. If you feel your emotions running high, tell your spouse you need to take a break. Then, come back and finish the conversation once you feel more in control.^{[20]
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- James 1:19 describes this type of mindset: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

12

Be intimate with your partner.

God intended sex to be part of a healthy marriage. You might feel like giving your spouse the cold shoulder when you're not getting along, but the Bible actually recommends against that. 1 Corinthians 7:5 says, "Do not deprive each other [of intimacy], except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time...but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."^{[21]
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- Losing self-control definitely is not the only incentive for keeping sex in your marriage. Physical intimacy helps strengthen the emotional bond between the two of you, making it easier to stay strong through hardships.

13

Get help from a faith-based marriage counselor.

An outside perspective can be really refreshing. There's no shame in asking for guidance when your marriage is struggling. A faith-based relationship therapist can help mediate tough conversations while giving you spiritual advice. They can also help the two of you learn new strategies to improve your communication and handle disagreements more respectfully.^{[22]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- A licensed marriage counselor is the best choice when you're dealing with really complex marital problems like infidelity, substance abuse, or trust issues.
- You could also turn to church elders or people in healthy marriages for advice and guidance, especially if your problems are mainly around things like communication and compromise.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I reconcile with my wife?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Be willing to hear out and care about the hurts that she experienced in the relationship while also sharing your perspective. Even if you disagree about the facts of certain situations, you both have to be able to care about how the other was impacted by those things. From there, look to figure out a way to interact with each other that feels good to both of you.
Question

How do you apologize to someone you love?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert

Expert Answer

Believe me, there are few words more powerful than “I am sorry”. But be genuine, never say “I am sorry you feel that way”. State what you are sorry for and make sure it directly relates to the actions you committed that caused the hurt.