How to Get a Boyfriend if You Feel Unattractive

Co-authored by Nicole Moore

Last Updated: January 15, 2023 References

You are prettier than you think you are! But it's only normal to feel sometimes like you're not. In a world saturated with airbrushed models selling everything from junk food to automobiles, your opinion of yourself can become dangerously low. You might be surprised to learn that even women you consider attractive struggle with certain aspects of their image, and this self-doubt can push people away and make dating seem impossible.^{[1]
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Research source}^{[2]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} If you want to get beyond those ugly feelings of being unattractive and get a boyfriend, you'll have to apply some understanding, put yourself in the right environment to find a guy lucky enough to be with you, and then its simply a matter of sealing the deal.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding and Improving Poor Self-Image

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Identify poor body image so you are able to address it. Your body image is the way you look at and judge your appearance. When you have a positive body image, you generally have an accurate and comfortable image of yourself that leaves you feeling good about the person you are. This does not mean that you're always positive about your physical self, or that there aren't things, like your weight or complexion, that can't be improved through healthy choices. A positive self-image, instead, empowers you through your own goodness and worth as a human being. You are important, and you do have a significant affect on the lives of your friends and family.
- Negative body image can be identified by:
  1) An unrealistic view of your body shape. There's nothing wrong with being curvy or petite, but there is something wrong with thinking your natural shape isn't good enough.
  2) Feelings of failure that come from your perceived shape or size. Even if you can improve your diet or exercise more regularly, your body's characteristics are not a reflection of your worth. Worth comes from within.
  3) Feelings of shame, embarrassment, or strong anxiety about your body. Being a little shy is normal. Having an anxiety attack or some other physical anxiety response is likely a sign of negative body image.
  4) Feelings of discomfort in your own skin. Being too self-conscious can lead you to over-thinking even simple motions, making these seem unnatural to you.^{[3]
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  National Eating Disorders Association
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and communities affected by eating disorders
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2
Pinpoint and combat areas that contribute to your poor image. There may be something obvious that has made it difficult for you to love your body, like a birthmark or a scar, or there may be several smaller features that you just can't appreciate in yourself, like your nose or the shape of your ears. In some cases the problem isn't physical, but can be the result of emotional abuse, like someone telling you you're overweight even if you're healthy. It can be difficult confronting these demons, but only through acceptance can you move forward, learn to love yourself, and accept the love of others.
- Try to find a feature you dislike in yourself in someone you admire in your personal life. A good place to look for this is your family life. By recognizing a feature you dislike in yourself in a favorite family member, like your aunt, your mother, and so on, you can begin opposing your negative thoughts by telling yourself, "I think mom looks beautiful, and people compare me to her all the time. I'm a lot more beautiful than I realize."
- Coach yourself to accept whatever physical shortcomings you believe you have as part of being human. Replace your criticisms with kind and reassuring words of encouragement. You aren't responsible for that mole on your cheek, but you are for your feelings and how you treat yourself. You're not a loser, a freak, or hideous. You're unique. That makes you special.
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3
Oppose unrealistic media standards. The people you see everyday in ads and on TV aren't an accurate representation of real people. More importantly, how someone else looks should have no influence on how you feel about yourself. Looks fade, and "perfection," in many cases, can appear waxen and fake. Idealizing an unrealistic standard could be the source of an image problem. Combat these feelings by reminding yourself regularly that many of the women in media represent a very small percentage of the population -- it's unrealistic to try and be like them!
- Whenever you find yourself comparing your features to those in the media, oppose those thoughts! Tell yourself, "I am beautiful, and these women don't represent a healthy standard that everyone can achieve." This will reinforce a healthier way of thinking, which can help you with depression and anxiety, both of which can hurt your attractiveness.^{[4]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- You could spend thousands of dollars, if not more, on image-related products and treatments. But even with the most radical makeovers, if you're unhappy with who you are on the inside, no change to your appearance will change how you feel.
4
Build confidence and healthy relationships to boost attractiveness.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Confidence has long been identified as a key component in dating and attractiveness, and well managed stress will make you appear more attractive.^{[6]
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Research source} To build your confidence and sustain healthy relationship, you should try to:
- Dress yourself lovingly in your favorite styles. Some styles suit some individuals more than others; take some time to explore different styles to find what works best for you!
- Put your best face forward in your daily life by looking your best. By accentuating your best features and nourishing your body with healthy alternatives, like a balanced diet, you'll start looking, and feeling, better.
- Work to support, and allow yourself to be supported by your friends. Imbalanced relationships can lead to resentment, and this can create what is referred to as a "toxic relationship." These kinds of relationship can lower your self esteem and emotionally exhaust you, which can make you feel, and look, less attractive.^{[9]
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5
Make healthy changes to improve your self-image. Although your self-worth shouldn't come from a change in your appearance, by taking steps to improve your health you'll feel a greater sense of connection to your body, a sense of personal accomplishment, a boost to your mood, better skin quality, and a more positive outlook.^{[10]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}^{[11]
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Research source} Though you might want to transform overnight, trying to completely change your diet or the amount of physical activity you do overnight rarely has an effect that lasts. Instead:
- Identify unhealthy areas and wean yourself from those areas little by little. High sugar foods and beverages that have little nutritional content, like soft drinks and candy, can be removed from your diet and have a drastic positive impact on your physical health.^{[12]
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  Research source} Consult your doctor or a nutritionist for more ideas about how you can improve your diet.
- Hydrate and replenish your skin. Dry or poorly cared for skin can give you an appearance that is tired, making you look less than your best. But there are many techniques you can use to make your skin bright and healthy
- Get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation can lead to many negative health effects, like poor performance/alertness, poor quality of life, high blood pressure, stroke, obesity, and others.^{[13]
  X
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source} Improve your overall health and appearance by improving your beauty sleep.
- Ease into a workout routine. No one ever hopped off a couch to run a marathon without at least a little training first! If one of your specific goals is to be able to run a mile without stopping - walk before you run. For two weeks you might walk a half mile every other day. The following two weeks you might walk/run that distance, stopping whenever necessary. In this way, slowly work your way into an exercise routine.^{[14]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding a Guy Who Appreciates You

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Put yourself in the right environment. You're certainly not going to find Mr. Right sitting on the couch night after night watching Netflix! Try getting involved in social activities that in some way involve your personal interests or hobbies.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} This way you'll actually enjoy going out, and you can expect the people you meet at these events to hold similar interests as you. Shared interests are an important part of most strong relationships.^{[16]
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- Use online resources, like meetup.com or citysocializer.com, to find people in your area with similar interests who want to socialize. These kinds of sites provide a public venue where you can meet guys you otherwise might not have.
- Check your city's local event calendar at your community center, or do a general online search for "local social events near me." This should give you a general idea of festivals, art exhibitions, and other local events you might enjoy.
- You might also look into local clubs, classes offered at your local community college or community center, or sports league. Some clubs, classes, or sports you might find rewarding in your search for the right guy include book clubs, board game groups, choirs, political functions, creative writing classes, art classes, cooking classes, improv classes, beach volleyball, kickball, dodgeball, and more!
2
Get outside your comfort zone. By stepping outside of the familiar, trying something new, and meeting new people, you will give yourself an opportunity to achieve your personal best. When you step a little outside of your comfort zone, you experience a kind of positive anxiety that improves your productivity, helps you deal with change, and encourages you to push your boundaries.^{[17]
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Research source} And each of these qualities could very well impress and win over potential boyfriends.^{[18]
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- Try a new approach to an everyday situation. This could be a simple as trying out a new route to your job. The key here is putting yourself in a situation where your perspective is different from the usual.
- Make small changes and build your way up to trying things that are significantly new and different. Pushing yourself too hard can create too much anxiety, which can lead to you feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed. Start small and work your way up to bigger changes.^{[19]
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3
Know your worth. Feeling like you are unattractive can lead you to accepting a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are. Being in a relationship is not more important than your emotional and mental health. You are worthy of a boyfriend who respects and loves you for who you are. Don't settle for any less.
- If a male friend you're interested in developing a relationship with pressures you to do things he wants to do without regarding your feelings, makes you feel sad or scared about the state of our relationship, or asks you to invest the majority of your time and energy on him, your relationship might be more harmful than healthy. These may be indications that you should not pursue a relationship with him.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Courting that Special Guy

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Maintain eye contact. This can be difficult, especially when you have butterflies in your stomach due to nerves! But eye contact is a universal sign that is used to indicate your interest in him, so try not to look away when you and him lock eyes.^{[20]
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Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
- Eye contact can also make you seem more attractive and likable to him. Looking deeply into his eyes will raise your chances of winning him over.^{[21]
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- You might trick him into eye prolonged eye contact with a simple ploy. For example, you could touch his arm and ask him to look at you. Gaze deeply into his eyes. After a few moments, ask him if he wears contact lenses, even if you know he does not. This way, the eye contact is less awkward.^{[22]
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2
Set the mood with lighting. Dilated pupils are a subconscious indicator that you are interested in him, and vice versa. Choose a dimly lit location to meet potential guys you are interested in dating, like a coffee shop, planetarium, or movie theatre.^{[23]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Even if you've invited him over for something as innocent as studying for a test, watching a movie as friends, or some similar activity, dim your lights or use the gentle lighting of a lamp instead of bright overhead lights.
3
Touch him, when appropriate. When you touch him, his brain naturally releases a chemical called Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the love hormone. Beyond that, Oxytocin is important for social bonding and building trust.^{[25]
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Research source} Aim for innocent touches on his arm or shoulder in the beginning, but as you grow closer, allow your touches to linger.
- If you're not comfortable with overt touches while you're getting to know him better, you could always sit next to him instead of on the other side of a table. This way your arms and thighs touch, causing Oxytocin to be released and, perhaps, romance to blossom.^{[26]
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4
Smile. When you smile at him, you are sending him a signal that you find the time you spend with him enjoyable.^{[27]
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Expert Source

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} This stimulates the reward response in his brain, which could make him want to please you even more!^{[28]
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- You could practice your comedic skills on him so you both can smile and laugh together. He might want to spend more time around you if he finds you funny, and this could develop into a relationship.
- A natural way you both can enjoy a laugh is by suggesting going to a comedy club. If you're not yet sure if you want to pursue him romantically, you could go with several friends, but you might want to sit next to him and engage him whenever you can.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop feeling unattractive?

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching and digital course service for women looking to find the right partner. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in body language and helping others take control of their dating life, attract a partner, and build a strong relationship. Nicole has been featured in numerous publications such as Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today. She also hosts Love Works with Nicole Moore, a podcast for modern women wanting love, dating, and relationship advice. Nicole holds a BA in Public Relations and Spanish from Syracuse University and a Certificate in Personal Coaching from New York University.

Nicole Moore

Love & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Try doing some mirror work! Start by standing in front of a mirror and just looking at yourself. You may notice that a lot of critical thoughts come up as your mind focuses on picking your appearance apart. It's important to remember that these initial critical thoughts are not the truth—they are just the voice of your inner critic speaking. The more you ignore the inner critic and focus on finding things to appreciate about yourself, the more confident you will be. Actively practice looking in the mirror and finding things to appreciate instead of things to criticize. If you do this over time, you'll start to get in the habit of appreciating how you look instead of criticizing yourself.
Question

How do you get a boyfriend when your shy?

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching and digital course service for women looking to find the right partner. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in body language and helping others take control of their dating life, attract a partner, and build a strong relationship. Nicole has been featured in numerous publications such as Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today. She also hosts Love Works with Nicole Moore, a podcast for modern women wanting love, dating, and relationship advice. Nicole holds a BA in Public Relations and Spanish from Syracuse University and a Certificate in Personal Coaching from New York University.

Nicole Moore

Love & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Building confidence is key, as it's one of the most attractive traits that men look for. Try writing down at least 10 things that are amazing about you. Dig deep and really think about what's great about your personality, how you treat people, and what your unique talents and skills are. The more you focus on what's good about you, the more confident you will feel.

Warnings

If you find yourself unable to get over your feelings of being unattractive and find yourself consistently basing your value off how you look, this could indicate a more serious problem. In these instances, you may want to see a mental health professional, like a counselor, therapist, or psychologist

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