How to Get over a Failed Marriage

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: January 18, 2023 References

If your marriage has ended, you might feel as if your entire life has been turned upside down. You may have no idea what to do next or how to emotionally cope with a divorce. Although you might feel depressed or powerless right now, you can take control of the life you rebuild. Think of this as a chance for a new beginning. We'll help you focus on fulfilling your needs so you can move on and enjoy this new phase of your life.

1

Acknowledge your emotions.

Accept that you’ll have a range of feelings. At times, you might feel sad, angry, tired, or anxious. Your emotions may fluctuate throughout the day or from minute to minute and that's totally fine! Try to remember that you're processing the divorce in your own way, so your feelings are completely valid.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}[[Image:Cope-With-Leaving-Someone-You-Love-Step-15-Version-2.jpg|center
- You might feel alarmed when your emotions shift rapidly or big feelings catch you off-guard. These reactions will fade over time so go easy on yourself—you won't always be riding a roller coaster of emotion.^{[2]
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2

Give yourself time to mourn the loss.

The end of a marriage is like losing a loved one and that hurts.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} Just as you wouldn't expect a grieving person to function normally, you need a chance to grieve for your marriage. Let yourself feel sad that married life and the hopes that you had with your spouse didn't work out. Although this is hard, once you accept this, you can begin to move on and look forward to new things.^{[4]
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- Most people find that the intense emotional pain peaks within the first 6 months of separating.

3

Take things one day at a time.

Life after divorce can initially feel really overwhelming. You've got to deal with all the practicalities of being single again and you're forced to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Instead of stressing yourself out trying to do it all, work through recovering your life one day at a time.^{[5]
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- If you're feeling incredibly anxious or depressed, focus on self-care until you feel ready to make decisions.
- When you're up to dealing with life choices, try to break them down into small, manageable steps so you can easily accomplish them. For instance, moving into your own place can feel like a huge deal, but it seems manageable if you schedule days for the physical move, give yourself another day to set up utilities in your name, a day to change the address for your online accounts, and a week to unpack.

4

Avoid fighting with your ex.

Your goal is to be civil toward each other, especially if you have kids. It's incredibly easy for arguments and power struggles to pop up when a marriage fails. Emotions are high and you or your ex may say something hurtful. If it looks like you're going to start fighting, be calm and say that you're willing to talk later.^{[6]
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- Sometimes, you might find that it's impossible to deal with your ex about the divorce or caring for your kids. If this happens, consider working with a mediator who can help you both communicate with each other.

5

Spend time with your friends or loved ones.

Get help and companionship from your support network. Now's the time to lean on your friends. Reach out with a call or text if you need a friend to listen. It's also nice to be able to spend time with friends who can take your mind off of divorce and make you feel a little better.^{[7]
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- Your friends want to help, but sometimes they may not know what you need. Don't be afraid to ask for things. For instance, you might text a friend, "I had a really crummy day. Could you meet me for coffee sometime? I just need to see a friendly face."

6

Look after your health and nutrition.

Get regular sleep and follow a healthy routine. When your life is in turmoil, things like diet and exercise tend to go out the window along with all the sleep you're not getting. This sounds basic, but eating healthy food, getting exercise, and making time for restful sleep can go a long way toward making you feel better. Plus, doing these things can make you feel a little bit in control of your life again.^{[8]
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- You might find that an invigorating run helps you process negative emotions while doing calming activities like yoga or meditation can help you come to terms with your feelings.

7

Refocus on your needs and wants.

Your job is to get a sense of your identity and rebuild your life. It takes time adjusting to single life again, but think about what makes you happy and focus on what you're looking forward to. You might do hobbies or activities that you haven't done in forever or try an activity that you've always wanted to do. Think of this time as a chance to learn about the new you.^{[9]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- For example, maybe you always wanted to take a couples cooking class but your ex never wanted to. Now's your chance! It doesn't have to be a couples class, but you can enroll in any cooking class you like.

8

Support your kids as you work through divorce.

Be consistent and reassuring if you and your ex have kids. Divorce is tough on kids, too. Let them know that the divorce isn't their fault and try to stick to their routines and schedules as much as possible. Check in with your kids to ask how they're feeling—they might be feeling overlooked or confused. Be there for them and always be prepared to listen.^{[10]
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- Don't get your kids involved in conflicts with your ex. Avoid speaking badly about your ex in front of your kids and don't use your kids as messengers to tell your ex things.

9

Make plans or goals for the future.

Get excited about what's possible in your life instead of dwelling on the past. If this is hard to do, try a simple visualization exercise. Imagine that you can see yourself 5 years from now and you're happy. What do you see yourself doing? This can help you come up with goals you can work toward.^{[11]
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- For example, maybe you see yourself as a teacher. You might decide to go back to school and finish your degree.

10

Forgive yourself and your ex.

Show compassion for each other during this difficult time. Instead of pinning the blame on yourself or your ex, let it go. Just because your marriage ended doesn't mean that you or your ex failed as people. If you can bring yourself to forgive them, you'll find you can begin to move on with your own life.^{[12]
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- You don't have to cast blame when you talk to your ex. Even saying something simple like, "I'm sorry our marriage didn't work out," can go a long way in helping you both get over the relationship.

11

Talk with a professional therapist.

Therapy can give you time and space to work through your divorce.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} You might find that it's really useful to give yourself an hour every week or two to talk to a therapist about how things are going. Just having a neutral person to talk to can help you feel supported.^{[14]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Don't hesitate to reach out to your psychiatrist or psychologist if you're feeling depressed or having a hard time functioning. They're there to help you through this really difficult time.
- It might help to talk to other people who are going through a similar experience. Do a web search for a local divorce support group to find people in your community to talk to.

12

Trust that life will get better.

Try to stay positive and realize that you won't always feel this way. Life probably won't feel "normal" for a while and that's okay! Be honest with yourself that things might feel bad now, but trust that your life will improve once things stabilize with your divorce.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get over a breakup when you still love them?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

When you go through a breakup, you also go through stages of grief. You need to process the breakup and heal. Don’t cover it up with drugs or alcohol, overeating or avoiding, or just getting into another relationship. For closure, the biggest thing that helps is to understand how you may have contributed to the breakup. There's the period of personal growth that can happen after a breakup that's really like any other time if you do the work if you start to look within. Once you find where you can learn and grow from the experience, and also why it benefited you; not every relationship is meant to last. What did you learn? How does this fit into your journey of evolution as a human being? Being able to answer those two questions after you've gone through the grieving process, you'll usually get some closure.