How to Know if You Are Being Selfish

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 26, 2022 References

“You're so selfish!” Has anyone ever said that to you? Getting hit with an accusation of selfishness can leave you feeling awful. You might start to doubt whether you're a good friend or wonder if you'd even be able to recognize your own selfish actions. So how can you know if you're really being selfish or not? Start by taking an honest look at your behaviors and your motivations. It's also important to know the difference between assertiveness, which is a healthy trait, and selfishness.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Spotting Selfish Behaviors

1
Analyze what others say about your behavior. While it's easy to dismiss other people's complaints and criticisms, a pattern of similar comments might be worth taking seriously. If a lot of people in your life tell you that you are behaving selfishly, consider whether there might be something to it. Ask yourself:
- Do people tell you that you're selfish?
- If so, how many people have told you this?
- Who were these people? Are they friends? Family members? Coworkers? Are they people whose opinions you trust?
- What was the context of these comments? Did they explain why they think your behavior is selfish?
2
Look at the expectations you place on others. Think about how you behave with other people in your life. Do you expect to be able to dominate the conversation or decide what everyone else should be doing in a family, work, or social situation? If you have an idea or opinion, do you expect others to agree with you? Consistently expecting others to do what you want or demanding that they agree with you on everything are selfish behaviors.
- For example, if you are having a movie night with your family, do you expect everyone to watch what you want to watch, or are you willing to discuss options and compromise?
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3
Ask yourself if you're constantly asking people for favors. If you're always thinking about what other people can do for you, you might be selfish. This is especially true if you don't go out of your way to return those favors later. Healthy relationships have an equal (or nearly equal) balance of give and take.^{[1]
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- For instance, if you frequently ask for people to loan you money or cover your shifts at work, but you don't do those things in return, you might be selfish.
4
Determine whether you keep your promises. Do you take your commitments seriously, or do you back out at the last minute if you don't feel like following through? If you break promises just because it's inconvenient to keep them, you are acting selfish.^{[2]
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- For instance, if you promised to pick your brother up from work, it would be selfish to bail on him so you could go out with friends.
5
Ask yourself if you've ever manipulated someone on purpose. Selfish people often manipulate others to get their own way. Lying, crying crocodile tears (i.e., expressions of sadness that are insincere), giving someone the cold shoulder, and picking at someone's insecurities are just a few examples of manipulative behaviors.^{[3]
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- For example, if you guilt-trip your parents into buying you things you want, you are being manipulative.
6
Notice if you tend to punish people when you don't get your way. When things don't go the way you want them to, do you react by getting huffy, withdrawing, or trying to get even? Behaving this way shows that you don't care about other people's preferences or needs, which is a sign of selfishness.
- For example, giving your partner the silent treatment when they ask you to do something differently around the house is a punishing behavior.
7
Reflect back on your conversations. Do you take an interest in other people's thoughts and lives, or do other people have a hard time getting a word in edgewise when talking to you? If most of your sentences start with “I,” it's probably a sign that you have a self-centered worldview.
- Ask yourself how much you know about others in your life. For example, if you had to deliver a wedding toast or eulogy for your best friend, what would you say about them? If you can't really think of anything to say, this may be a sign that you don't spend enough time getting to know others.
8
Look at your relationship history. Selfish people often have a hard time keeping friends, dating partners, and even family members around. If you have a history of breakups and if your friends all seem to drift away eventually, it could be a sign that you're not very thoughtful and generous with other people.^{[4]
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- If more than one friend or significant other has told you that you're selfish before, there may be something to the accusation.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Looking at Your Motives

1
Gauge how considerate you are. Ask yourself how important other people's feelings and comfort are to you. Do you want to make sure other people are happy and that they have what they need? Or do you not really care how other people feel, as long as you have what you want?^{[5]
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- Running late constantly, not picking up after yourself, borrowing people's things without giving them back, and changing your plans without letting others know are a few examples of inconsiderate behavior.
- For instance, if it's common practice for everyone to be late to dinner or events because they are waiting on you, you may not be very considerate of others' time.
2
Question your true intentions. Do you really want to help people, or just look good in front of others? Ask yourself how you feel when you do a good deed. Are you thinking about how your action will help somebody else, or are you thinking about how others will see you afterwards? The second mindset is a clear indicator of selfishness.^{[6]
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- Another way to gauge this is to think about whether you announce your good deeds to others, either in person or on social media. If you have to make sure others know how generous or good-hearted you are, you're probably not really being altruistic.
- For example, if you constantly tell your friend, "I cleared my entire schedule for you" to make them feel guilty, you may not have good intentions.
3
Check whether you put your own needs and wants ahead of others'. If you're constantly focused on what you want, you might be selfish. On the other hand, if you're genuinely concerned with how others feel and what they need, you're probably not acting in a selfish way.^{[7]
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- For instance, if you expect other people to help you when you're in a pinch, but you don't ever feel like bothering to do the same for anyone else, you probably do act selfish sometimes.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Identifying Real Selfishness

1
Remember that you aren't selfish because someone else says so. There are lots of reasons one person might accuse another of being selfish. Ironically, sometimes selfish people are the first to say “You're being selfish!” when they don't get their way. People might also accuse you of selfishness when they're upset or angry that you can't accommodate them.
- For instance, suppose a family member calls you selfish because you can't get time off work to come home for their birthday. You're not actually being selfish for wanting to keep your job – they're just not being reasonable.
2
Think about why you were called selfish. If someone told you that you're acting selfish, ask them why. If you can't ask them, think about their motives for saying that, as well as which of your actions they might have been talking about. Try to understand what they were thinking and feeling when they made the accusation.^{[8]
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- For instance, if a longtime friend says you're selfish, they might be trying to help you fix a problem they've noticed in your behavior. If your abusive ex says you're selfish, though, they're probably just trying to manipulate your feelings.
3
Know the difference between self-care and selfishness. It's not selfish to take care of your own needs. In fact, ignoring or neglecting your needs will make it harder for you to help anyone else. Don't listen to anyone who says you have to make a martyr of yourself to be unselfish.^{[9]
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- Of course, if you spend all your time on self-care and neglect your responsibilities to others, you might want to rethink things.
- Examples of healthy, reasonable self-care might include getting enough rest, making time to exercise, spending time with people you care about, and going to religious services.
4
Don't feel bad about standing up for yourself. It's not selfish to set personal boundaries or to let others know what you need. Your needs and feelings are as important as anyone else's. As long as you are considerate and polite, there's nothing wrong with being assertive – in fact, it's a positive trait.^{[10]
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- For instance, if you have a food allergy and your friends want to go out to eat, it's not selfish to ask if you can go to a restaurant that will accommodate your diet.