How to Stop Hating Someone

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: August 24, 2022 References

Whether you hate someone who hurt you or does things that bother you, it can be tough to let go of your feelings. If you find yourself dwelling on them, try to relax, breathe, and clear your mind. It's okay not to like someone, but do your best to be cordial despite your differences. Talking to the person could be helpful, as long as you believe you could have a calm, amicable conversation. You don't have to be best friends with them, but try to resolve your conflict and get along with them at work, school, or other settings.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Dealing with Your Emotions

1
Distract yourself. If you start dwelling on the person you hate, keep busy. Do an activity to distract yourself, if you can't get the person or your negative feelings out of your head. Get some work done, listen to music, exercise, doodle or draw, write or journal, or read a book, newspaper, or magazine.^{[1]
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2
Breathe slowly and deeply when you feel angry. Try relaxing and clearing your thoughts when you notice yourself getting angry or dwelling on the person. Inhale slowly as you count to 4, hold for a 4 count, then count to 4 as you exhale. Keep taking slow, deep breaths for at least 90 seconds, or until your mind has switched gears.^{[2]
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- Focus on relaxing imagery as you breathe, like a beach or comfortable place from your childhood. Visualize your negative emotions passing away with each breath.
- When someone hurts you, it’s tough to get them out of your head. Taking a break to clear your mind can help you keep your cool and break a negative thought pattern.
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3
Write a letter to express your feelings, but don’t send it. Writing can help you release your emotions and order your thoughts. Describe what the person did or what bothers you. Tearing up or burning the letter could help you symbolically let go of your hate.^{[3]
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- Sending the letter could escalate the situation, so keep it private.
- Destroying the letter will help make sure that someone else doesn't stumble upon it by accident.
4
Vent to people you trust. Talking to a close friend or family member will help you blow off steam. Getting a fresh perspective can also give you a better understanding of the situation. Talk to someone you trust in private, and make sure they’ll keep your conversation to themselves.^{[4]
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- Try to vent to someone who's removed from the situation. For example, if you're frustrated with a coworker, tell your sister who works elsewhere instead of another coworker. This avoids creating drama.
- Don’t vent about someone you hate at the place where you interact with them, like school or work. It might get back to the person, or you might end up getting labelled as a gossip or unprofessional.
5
Ask an authority figure for help with problem situations. If this person makes a habit of antagonizing you, it is best to seek qualified advice. You deserve a safe environment without someone harassing you. If they are repeatedly, intentionally upsetting you, then it's probably good to get someone to help. Talk to an authority figure. Explain the facts of how this person treated you, what you've tried to do to fix things, and how this is affecting you. Be tactful, clear, and as factual as possible. Then ask for help dealing with it.
- Bad example: "Mark is an elitist pig, and I won't put up with it anymore! It's like he's trying to humiliate me on purpose! He's always criticizing me in front of everyone! I need you to do something about him!"
- Good example: "I'm trying to get along with Mark, and it's just not working. Often, when I show him my work, he loudly lists off criticisms, often in public. It leaves me feeling humiliated, and I dread going to work because of it. I've never seen him do this to anyone else. I've asked him to give me critique in private, but he refuses. I don't know how to handle this. I could really use some advice."
6
Consider talking to a therapist. If you have been seriously mistreated by someone, consider seeking some help. If someone deeply wronged or abused you, work with a therapist to sort through your emotions. Seeing a professional is also best if you’re constantly angry or if your feelings of hate interfere with your daily life.^{[5]
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- Ask your primary doctor or trusted friends and family for a referral to a mental health professional. You can also look for one online or check your insurer’s listing.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Interacting with Someone You Hate

1
Limit your interactions with the person. Usually, spending as little time as possible with the person is the best option. Limiting contact is especially wise if you’ve had a recent confrontation with them.^{[6]
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- You might find the person is easier to tolerate in small doses.
- Don’t completely ignore them if you have to work with them on a project. If you have to work with them, keep your conversation professional.
2
Manage your reactions. If you have to interact with the person you hate, show them respect and keep your emotions in check. You can’t control them or the things they do that upset you, but you can control your own behavior.^{[7]
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- For instance, if you hate them because they constantly criticize everyone around them, do your best to ignore it. Try brushing off their comments by saying, “Well, to each their own. Anyway, let’s get to work and finish up this project.”
3
Show them respect if you have to interact. When you have to talk to them, focus on your work, be cordial, and stay professional. Don't make sarcastic remarks, insult them, or bring up your conflict. If they say something negative or annoying, ignore them and change the subject back to your work.^{[8]
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- For example, if you're paired with them on a project and they say something offensive, don't respond. Say, "Our deadline is coming up fast, so we should stay focused on finishing this." It might be tempting to engage them or correct an ignorant opinion, but it's not worth your time.
4
Set boundaries clearly and explicitly. If the person is creepy or clingy, they may try to touch you or arrange to spend lots of time with you, even if you don't want to. Clearly, politely, and firmly state your boundaries.
- "Please don't touch me."
- "No, thanks. I have plans."
- "I'm not interested. Try asking someone else."
- "I asked you not to touch me. I need you to knock it off."
5
Spend time with them, if you want to understand them better. It might seem counter-intuitive, but gradually spending more time with the person you hate could help you understand why they behave the way they do. Try getting to know them better by working on a project or doing an activity together.^{[9]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- Spending time with someone you hate could be helpful if there’s something about them that irks you. You might find they do the thing you hate because they’re compensating for an insecurity or just don’t know any better. However, if they hurt you or if you morally object to their behavior, just try to avoid them.
- Spending time with them may be especially helpful if their behavior is similar to yours, or if the issue is really about you and not about them.
6
Learn to roll your eyes and let it go. There's a lot of power in thinking "there they go again" and just moving on. Emotionally disengaging can help you deal with a rude or irritating person without getting invested in their mess. Mentally acknowledge that their behavior is inappropriate, and that they have a tendency to do this. Then move on.
- Try responding to transgressions with ambivalence. When they act rudely, say "okay," "thanks for sharing," or "that's interesting" and change the subject.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Resolving Your Conflict with Them

1
Take steps to find a resolution. This can mean different things for different people and situations. Sometimes, it might mean getting along. Other times, it might mean making peace with the way they are. And sometimes it just means moving on.
2
Get to the root of why you hate this person. If someone hurt you in a specific way, figuring out why you hate them might not be too complicated. However, if it’s not so obvious, think about what the person does that bothers you so much. You may want to talk with a trusted friend or family member to help you sort through your feelings.^{[10]
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Research source} Figuring this out can help resolve the conflict, and your stress.^{[11]
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Harvard Business Review
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- They remind you of someone who hurt you in the past.
- They have a trait that you don't like in yourself (e.g. being too sensitive, clingy, or irresponsible).
- They do something that you think is morally wrong (such as being cruel or hypocritical).
- They have something you want: success, freedom, talent, self acceptance, et cetera.
- You're afraid that they'll replace you or outshine you.
3
Try to develop empathy for them. Think of reasons why the person behaves the way they do or why they did something to hurt you. Think about how they might be acting out of fear, insecurity, or pain. Seeing them as a human being with a story can help you empathize with them and take steps toward forgiveness.^{[12]
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- For example, they might have been harshly criticized when they were young, so now they criticize others and boast about their accomplishments, to help them more secure.
- While someone’s past doesn’t excuse their behavior, seeing the bigger picture can help you put their actions in context. You still might not like them or their actions, but understanding them better can help you get along with them.
4
Focus on getting along, instead of forcing yourself to like them. Don’t expect to stop hating someone overnight, and don't bottle up your emotions. Even if you agree to disagree with them, you still might not like them. It's okay not to like someone, but you should be able to get along with them at work or school (or at another setting) despite your differences.^{[13]
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5
Discuss specific issues with them, if you can do so calmly. Be calm, clear, and reasonable if you can’t avoid someone and want to resolve your conflict with them. Use "I" phrasing to describe what's bothering you and how you feel about it, without making accusations or judgments. Allow them to respond without interrupting them, and mention ways you could both improve the situation.^{[14]
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- For instance, tell them, “I feel insecure and disrespected when you dismiss and poke fun at my opinions. We don’t have to be best friends, but I’d like to find a way to be cordial and respectful with each other.”
- Disengage if it goes bad. Say "I don't want to argue, so I'm going to leave" and walk away.
6
Ask someone to mediate. Having your boss, teacher, or another neutral authority figure mediate could keep the discussion from turning into an argument.^{[15]
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Harvard Business Review
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7
Apologize if you have acted inappropriately. While some conflicts are completely one-sided, many times, both parties have acted in non-ideal ways. An apology can help reduce conflict, and encourage a smoother relationship. Here are some example apologies:
- "I'm sorry that I called you out in front of everyone. Yes, your behavior bothered me, and I had reason to be upset. But it wasn't appropriate for me to embarrass you like that. I should have taken you aside instead of saying it in front of the entire room."
- "I'm sorry that I called you a heartless jerk. I was upset with you, but that's no excuse for name calling. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry."
- "I'm sorry that I've been so judgmental about your quirks. I realize that this is a flaw of mine, and I'm working on it. Please don't take any of my past behavior to heart. It's not about you. It's about me."
8
Don't try to be best friends with them. Just do your best to get along, and don't put any big expectations on yourself or on them. Tell them, "Look, I know we've had our issues, and we both know we'll never be best friends. We have to work together, so let's agree to disagree and just be cordial with one another."^{[16]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

If the people you hate are in the long ago past, what do you do?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

The advantage here is that you don't have to interact with the other person. So in this case you are the one keeping the hatred alive. Try some of the exercises mentioned in this article --especially the Forgiveness Meditation. You will only be healing yourself by letting go of some of these feelings!