How to Love Unconditionally

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: April 21, 2022 References Approved

Love is hard to define. From poets to psychologists to everyday people, the endless effort to explain what love is and means beyond “you know it when you feel it” has led to innumerable results. Making things even trickier is the concept of unconditional love, which some say is the only true kind of love, while others call it impossible. To believe in unconditional love, and to actually love unconditionally, requires a great deal of thought, action, and faith. Only you can decide if and how you can (or should) love unconditionally, but the following article will hopefully assist you on that path.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Defining Unconditional Love

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Consider the types of love that exist. The ancient Greeks did so, and defined four variations, as identified in How to Define Love. Of the four, the term agape most closely equates to unconditional love. Agape love is a choice, a decision made to love regardless of circumstances or disappointments.
- Thus, unconditional love means loving another in their essence, as they are, no matter what they do or fail to do.^{[1]
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  Research source} People with children usually seem to understand this notion best of all.
- It is also learned and practiced. You must choose to love unconditionally.^{[2]
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- Parents might counter that they had no choice but to love their children from the moment they laid eyes on them, but that initial flush of attachment is, perhaps imperceptibly, replaced by an ongoing decision to love the child regardless of circumstances.
2
Realize that unconditional love is not being “blinded” by love. A person who has newly fallen in love with another is often in this state, where they don't see the other person’s full reality, faults and all.^{[3]
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- Such a state of love is (or at least should be) temporary, and needs to be replaced by a longer-term, “eyes wide open” type of love if the love is to last.
- To love someone without conditions you need to be aware of the conditions, good and bad.
- "Unconditional Love is not the case of being blinded by love but rather the resolution that nothing is more important than love." - Talidari
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3
Consider whether romantic love can be unconditional. Some say no, because romantic love must function conditionally, as a partnership based on feelings, actions, and expectations. In this view, you can never love your spouse in the same unconditional manner as your child.^{[4]
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- However, love is not the same thing as a relationship. Relationships are conditional, a “working partnership.” An unconditional relationship is a recipe for one-sided domination.^{[5]
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- Thus, a relationship can end because the partnership does not function properly, and yet unconditional love toward the other person can remain. Sometimes ending a relationship can be the way to love unconditionally.
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Think of unconditional love as an action more than a feeling. We usually consider love to be a feeling, but feelings are a response to something we “get” from someone or something. Therefore, feelings are conditional.
- Unconditional love is the choice to strive for the well-being of another. The feeling you derive from acting with love is your reward, the return you “get” from your own action.
- To love unconditionally is to act with love under all conditions.
- If you have to do something, or be a certain way, in order to receive love, that love is conditional. If it is given to you freely and without reservation, it is unconditional.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Giving Unconditional Love

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Love yourself unconditionally. Unconditional love starts at home, with oneself. You know your own flaws and shortcomings better than anyone else, and better than you can ever know anyone else’s. Being able to love yourself despite this unsurpassable awareness of your own faults puts you in the position to be able to offer the same to others.
- You must be able to recognize, accept, and forgive your own imperfections in order to do the same for someone else.^{[6]
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  Research source} If you cannot deem yourself worthy of being loved unconditionally, you’ll never truly be able to deem yourself worthy of offering it.^{[7]
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2
Make the loving choice. Always ask yourself, “What is the most loving thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment?”. Love isn't one size fits all; what might be a loving act toward one person could be harmful to another person, in that it doesn't help them get closer to becoming a truly happy human being.
- Unconditional love is a new decision you need to make in every situation, not a hard and fast rule you can apply to everyone all the time.
- For instance, if you have two friends dealing with the loss of a loved one, being the shoulder to cry on and engaging in long talks may be the loving choice for one, while granting some distance and silence may be so for the other.
- If you aren't sure what is the best way to help someone, you can ask them "How can I help you with this right now?"
3
Forgive those you love. Even if someone doesn't apologize, it's inherently loving to both them and yourself to let go of your anger and resentment toward them. Keep in mind Piero Ferrucci's advice that forgiving "is not something we do, but something we are."^{[8]
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- In religious terms, you’ll hear the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Loving someone unconditionally does not mean liking every action they take or choice they make; it means not letting such things interfere with your desire for the best for that person in all things.^{[9]
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- If someone you love says something hurtful in anger, the loving choice is usually to let them know those words hurt you, but also to forgive their indiscretion. Help them to grow and yet know that they are loved.
- But don't mistake being willing to forgive for letting people walk all over you. Extricating yourself from an environment in which you are repeatedly mistreated or taken advantage of can be a loving choice for both yourself and the other person.
4
Don’t expect to shield someone you love from all discomfort and pain. Part of loving someone is fostering their growth as a person, and pain and discomfort are an inescapable part of growth in this life. Unconditional love means doing what you can to make the other person happy and comfortable, but also helping them grow through their inevitable experiences of discomfort.
- Don’t lie to “protect” the feelings of someone you love; support them in dealing with their feelings in the face of pain.
- For example, lying about a dire financial situation to spare pain is likely to foster more pain and distrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, supportive, and eager to work together to find solutions.
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Love more by “caring” less. Wait, isn’t caring what love is all about? Yes, you want to “care” for a person in the sense that you strive for their well-being and happiness. You don’t want to “care” in the sense that your love is predicated on specific outcomes, which by definition is conditional.^{[10]
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- So, not “I don’t care what you decide [because your well-being is irrelevant to me];” but instead “I don’t care what you decide [because I just love you regardless of your choices and actions].”
- You don’t love in return for actions that make you happy; you derive happiness from the act of loving unconditionally.
6
Accept yourself and those you love as is. You are far from perfect, and yet you are perfectly capable of offering love; they are likewise imperfect, but worthy of being offered love.
- Unconditional love is about acceptance—about not expecting others to make you happy through their choices and how they live. You can’t control others, only yourself.
- Your brother may be notorious for his bad choices, but that should have no bearing upon your love for him. Don't love because of how someone lives, but simply because they live.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I love myself unconditionally?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

One way to cultivate self-love is by making emotionally healthy decisions, like avoiding toxic people and environments.