How to Make Friends when You Are Not Social

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Last Updated: February 10, 2023 References

Just because you’re not a social butterfly doesn’t mean you don’t need love, affection, and companionship like everyone else. Whether you realize it or not, you have the ability to form and maintain lasting friendships—it may just take a little more effort if you’re naturally shy. Before you write yourself off as a loner, take a chance on yourself and explore ways to begin venturing outside of your social comfort zone. You have nothing to lose by doing so, but you do have the opportunity to gain lifelong friends who love you for who you are, even if that means bringing them back in with you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Creating Opportunities to Meet New People

1
Surround yourself with like-minded individuals. Join a club, try out for a sports team, or hang out at places where there are likely to be others who share your passions or interests. Not only will this introduce you to lots of new people, it will also eliminate the difficulty of coming up with things to talk about, since your similarities are the very reason you’re there.^{[1]
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Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.}^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If reading is your thing, you might consider starting a book club that convenes every couple of weeks. Invite your close friends to be the first members, then have them reach out to their friends to begin bringing new people into the fold.
2
Talk to strangers. Practice opening yourself up to others by striking up conversation with various people you encounter throughout the day. It could be a classmate, a bank teller, your yoga instructor, or the guy ringing you up at the grocery store. A simple, “How’s it going?” could be the seed that blossoms into a lifelong friendship.^{[3]
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- Keep an eye out for things that you and the other person have in common, such as a favorite band, TV show, or brand of sneaker. Topics like these can be good icebreakers.^{[4]
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- Get rid of any notions you may have of separating your "social life" from your "professional” or “academic” life. Even if you’re not the most social being, you should make it your goal to be sociable in all areas of your life.
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3
Get in the habit of saying “yes.” Every new situation you find yourself in is a chance to meet new people. The next time someone invites you to a party where you don't know anybody, or asks you to take part in a social outing that you would ordinarily avoid, make it a point to say yes. You never know who you might end up connecting with there.^{[5]
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- Putting yourself in unfamiliar situations can be scary. Just keep in mind that most people will want to like you the first time they meet you. And, if you don't know them to begin with, you really have nothing to lose.
- You don’t always have to say “yes” to everything. If the idea of doing something makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to respectfully decline.^{[6]
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Tip: If you have reservations about a certain event or activity, agree to go, but have a backup plan ready in case it gets a little overwhelming or you’re not having fun. For instance, you might drive separately and tell the people you came with that you’re tired.^{[7]
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4
Find new friends online. These days, technology makes it possible to stay socially engaged without ever leaving your home. If you’re just not ready to put yourself out there yet, look for an online community where you can practice your social skills in a low-pressure setting. Social media apps that allow you to express your thoughts and glimpses of your private life, like Twitter and Instagram, can be a perfect platform for this.
- Join communities related to your particular hobbies, interests, and lifestyle. Don’t just sit back and lurk—be an active participant by leaving comments, sharing posts, joining in discussions, and encouraging your followers to interact with your page or profile.
- After getting to know someone online, you might eventually even arrange to meet up in real life and take your friendship to the next level.^{[8]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Improving Your Chances of Making a New Friend

1
Use open body language to make yourself more approachable. When it comes to hitting it off with another person, what you do is just as important as what you say. Stand tall and hold your head high to project confidence in social settings where you feel uncertainty start to creep in. During conversation, face the person you’re talking to squarely, maintain eye contact, and nod or offer verbal affirmation occasionally so they’ll know you’re listening.^{[9]
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- Smile! Smiling not only makes you more attractive and less intimidating to others, it also makes you feel better.^{[10]
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- As much as possible, avoid crossing your arms, frowning, scowling, standing off by yourself, or disappearing into your phone. This sort of “closed” body language could send the message that you don't want to be bothered.
2
Focus on the other person. The desire to impress, entertain, or seem interesting is the source of a lot of social anxiety. Calm your nerves and come off better in the process by keeping most of the attention on the person you’re meeting or interacting with. Ask them questions about themselves, pay them compliments, and listen eagerly when they speak.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} This is both validating to them and a good way to take yourself off the hook.^{[12]
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- Demonstrating selflessness in conversation is also a signal that you would be a selfless friend, which is the kind everyone wants.
Tip: Learn people's names the first time you meet them and use them frequently afterwards. Saying someone’s name is an intimate gesture, and will make them feel closer to you right off the bat.
3
Take the initiative to get to know someone better. You don’t always have to wait for someone to come up and talk to you or sit around hoping that your new acquaintances will ask you to hang out. You may not realize it, but you also have the power to set things in motion, socially-speaking. If you want something to happen, don’t be afraid to propose it yourself.
- Come up with ideas for things to do that you think your potential friends might enjoy. Movies, dinner dates, bowling, bar-hopping, and game nights all make great first-hangout activities.^{[13]
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- Being reluctant to reach out or make plans could give someone who doesn’t know you very well the impression that you’re not interested in being their friend. Friendship is a two-way street. If you'd like to spend time with a person, pick up the phone and give them a call.
4
Resist the urge to judge others prematurely. If part of the reason you don’t have many friends is because you’re waiting around for the “perfect” people to enter your life, you may be waiting a long time. Take the time to get to know someone before you form a rigid opinion of them, and don’t be so quick to condemn them for whatever character flaws show through from time to time.^{[14]
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Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} Remember—nobody’s perfect.^{[15]
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- Your friends don't have to be exactly like you. In fact, the strongest, most enduring friendships often with spring up between people with contrasting personalities or tastes.^{[16]
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- Sometimes your friends choose you, rather than the other way around. Be receptive to friendships that seem to take off on their own.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Overcoming Fear and Doubt

1
Let go of your insecurities. Before you can make friends, you first have to let yourself believe that you’re the kind of person other people would want to be friends with. If you’re constantly criticizing yourself or worrying that you’re not enough, that may be the vibe you end up giving off inadvertently. Other people could mistake this self-consciousness for unfriendliness.^{[17]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- To push back against your insecurities, it can help to take inventory of your best qualities. Perhaps you pride yourself on being dependable, or you’ve been told you give good advice. No matter who you are, you have something to offer when it comes to your relationships.^{[18]
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- Shy people tend to avoid social interaction because they anticipate a negative outcome. Try to break the habit of playing out scenarios in your head before they actually happen—just take things as they come.
2
Radiate positivity. Being positive, like being negative, is a choice, which is why it’s so important to be sure that you’re making the right one.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} Chipper, upbeat, optimistic personalities are irresistible. Shifting your outlook will take time and conscious effort, but once you do, you’ll discover that the people around you are drawn to you naturally, like flowers to sunshine.^{[20]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- For every negative thought you have about yourself, try to counter it with a positive one. If you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so awkward,” for example, learn to laugh at your slip-ups and view them as endearing quirks.^{[21]
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- Displaying a positive attitude is especially important when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Be careful not to come across like you’re complaining while talking about yourself. Highlight the good parts of your life rather than the things that get you down.
Tip: Keeping your spirits high also makes you more resilient. As a result, you’ll be less prone to talking yourself out of things and have an easier time bouncing back from disappointment when it does occur.
3
Pretend that you’re more social than you are. There’s some wisdom in that old saying “fake it ‘til you make it.” Rather than resigning yourself to the belief that you’re just not outgoing enough to make friends, start acting as though you are. Even if you don't believe it at first, the more you tell yourself that you’re interesting and likable, the easier it will be for you to approach others.^{[22]
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- Don’t overthink things. Social exchanges aren’t tests that you’re being graded on. If you’re debating whether or not to go up and say hi to someone for the first time or add your two cents to a conversation that’s piqued your interest, the answer is yes.
- By the same token, don’t beat yourself up if you put your foot in your mouth. Treat life as a sketch, not a finished masterpiece.^{[23]
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4
Be your genuine self. When you’re desperate to make friends, you may be tempted to play a role or change yourself in order to please others. Understand, however, that it’s not worth the trouble. At best, you’ll be luring people in under false pretenses. At worst, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice by not being true to who you are. As long as you’re secure in yourself, you won’t have anything to worry about.
- The strongest friendships are based on openness and honesty. If someone is truly your friend, they’ll like you for you.
- By attempting to pass yourself off as something you’re not, you also run the risk of making the wrong kinds of friends, people who don’t actually share your values or your way of seeing the world.

Community Q&A

Question

What if I am the shy kid in my class? How do I make friends if no one will talk to me and I'm not good at saying the first word?

Alleycatrox

Community Answer

This just means you need to work on good communication skills. It's okay to not be able to say the first word, but something as simple as a "Hello" or "How's your day" can change everything. Start small and see where the conversation goes.
Question

What if I made a bad first impression?

Community Answer

Hopefully the person will give you a second chance. Show your sense of humor with a little self-deprecation. For example, if an awkward silence ensues after your failed joke, say something like, "It sounded funny in my head!" or "Wow, that wasn't funny at all." Such a remark shows the person or group that you read their responses and know that your joke fell flat. If you offended someone or hurt their feelings, just apologize.
Question

What if my friends would rather play video games than hang out with me?

Community Answer

Maybe you could suggest doing another activity together outside of the house, like going to a movie or the park. If they still refuse, maybe you should try to make new friends who share more of your interests.

Warnings

Don't gossip about your friends. A little harmless joking or venting session is okay every now and then, but constantly saying negative things behind other peoples' backs will only reflect poorly on you. If you do it do much, your friends may be hesitant to trust you in the future.

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