How to Move on from a Narcissistic Relationship

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: March 21, 2022 References

A narcissistic relationship can be a bumpy road, and when the relationship ends, you may find yourself at a crossroads. Maybe you find yourself wanting to run back to your ex, while at the same time you want to start moving on. Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist can be tough, but we’re here for you. By setting boundaries and focusing on yourself, you can move on from a narcissistic relationship and on the road of recovery.

1

Go no contact.

If the relationship was abusive, it may be best to stop all communication with them. Going no contact means blocking your ex from all ways of contacting you. That means social media, texting, calling, and seeing them in-person. Avoiding them will help you heal from the relationship without them manipulating you.^{[1]
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- The no contact rule typically lasts 30 days, but it may be best to stick to the no contact rule indefinitely when moving on from a narcissistic relationship.^{[2]
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- It’s difficult for a narcissist to feel empathy and reciprocate feelings, so they turn to manipulation to form the relationship they want.
- Not communicating with a narcissist will break this manipulation and help you connect with your feelings as an individual.

2

Set boundaries for yourself.

Heal by creating distance between you and your narcissistic ex. Boundaries will not only help you protect yourself from their selfish behavior, but they will encourage you to grow. You are worthy of respect and deserve kindness, so set boundaries that’ll help you bloom. Stick to the no contact rule and avoid answering their calls, or try your best not to talk about them.^{[3]
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- Build boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse rather than building them to keep people out. For example, keep some personal information like your fears to yourself when meeting new people, but don’t be afraid to express your interests.
- Vocalize your boundaries by telling your ex, “You can’t treat me this way,” or, “I don’t have to listen to your abuse.”
- Prioritize self-care when establishing your boundaries by focusing on your needs first.

3

Reflect on the relationship.

Move on by making peace with the past. You’re most likely angry with your ex and how they manipulated you. It’s normal—healthy even—to feel hatred toward the relationship, but your anger won’t help you move forward. Take time to reflect on the goods and bads of the relationship, focusing on what you learned. The goal is to eventually make peace with what happened.^{[4]
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- Anger can help you see the wrongs in the relationship, but it won’t help you heal emotionally.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let your ex off the hook. They hurt you, and you don’t need to forget it. What you do need is to forgive yourself.

4

Write down your reasons for moving on.

Remove self-doubt by reminding yourself why the relationship’s over. Make a list of all the reasons why you want to keep moving forward without your ex.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.} Being clear on why you want to move on can help motivate you when things get tough. ^{[6]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Your reasons can be specific to the relationship or about personal growth. For example, you can write, “I want to move on because they made me feel bad about my cooking,” or, “I want to move on because I deserve love and respect.”
- Save the list on your phone or keep it in your favorite notebook.
- Refer back to the list when you start having self-doubts or your ex tries to contact you.

5

Take a break from dating.

A narcissistic relationship can make you second guess your ability to have healthy relationships. When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel like an accessory or unimportant.^{[7]
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Research source} It’s important to reconnect with your self worth before jumping back into the playing field because you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship without a healthy relationship with yourself.^{[8]
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- Try not to rush the need to start dating again. Protect yourself by making sure you’re ready to be in a new relationship.^{[9]
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  Lena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- Being ready to date again will look different for everyone. Perhaps your narcissistic ex isn’t on your mind anymore, you feel confident, or you meet someone special.
- Remember, recovery isn’t linear. Go at your own pace and do what you think is right.

6

Let yourself grieve.

Breakups can be hard even when they end a toxic relationship. You may feel lost, confused, angry, and frustrated when leaving a narcissist, and it’s okay to grieve what you’ve lost. Be kind with yourself, healing takes time.^{[11]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}^{[12]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- All of your feelings are valid, so let them come and go.
- Think of each emotion as a new wave in the healing process. Waves crash and fall, but they eventually leave with the tide.
- Your ex most likely won’t share your grief. They might miss the praise and admiration, but they’ll find it easy to move on. Don’t take this personally as this is not a reflection of your worth, but a reflection of their egotistical behavior.

7

Know that it’s okay to still have feelings.

No matter how badly your ex treated you, you may still love them, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel lonely and confused after a breakup, and it’s even more common to feel lost after breaking up with a narcissist. You may still want them back just to fill the emptiness in your heart, but know that this is part of the healing process.^{[13]
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- Every feeling you’re feeling is valid, even if it contradicts what you think you should be feeling.
- Acknowledge your emotions, feel them, and let them go.
- Try filling that emptiness with something else like a craft, new pet, or time with friends.

8

Reconnect with yourself.

Do things you love to help you move on. Focus on your dreams and your future because your narcissistic ex isn’t around to control you anymore. Is there a hobby your ex made you give up? Did you give up your dream of getting a masters because they thought it was best? Rekindling these joys can help you find yourself again.^{[14]
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- Chase the dreams your ex made you forget.
- Explore the hobbies your ex thought were silly.
- Do whatever makes you happy!

9

Love yourself a little more.

The key to moving on is falling back in love with yourself. You deserve to be in a loving relationship, so why not make that first comeback loving yourself? Unravel the critiques and negative thoughts your narcissistic ex instilled in you. Treat yourself to something special like a new outfit, your favorite dessert, or a day at the spa. Take the time to care for yourself in a way they never did.^{[15]
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- Self-forgiveness is an important part of loving yourself.
- Forgive yourself for all your self-doubts, and push aside lingering negative thoughts.

10

Remember who you are.

You’re so much more than a person who was in a relationship. Your ex may make you think you’re nothing without them, but they’re wrong. Make a list of all of your hobbies, strengths, and relationships. What are you to your family and friends? What are things you love to do? What are you to yourself? Reminding yourself of these things can help you reconnect with your identity.^{[16]
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- Think about how you describe yourself to others. Are you a painter? A student?
- Ask yourself what you mean to people you care about. Are you a sibling? A best friend?
- Consider how you view yourself by asking yourself, “Who am I?” and, “What do I like?”

11

Reach out to loved ones for support.

Moving on isn’t something you have to do alone. Your ex may have hurt some of your relationships with friends and family members, and now is the time to reach out. Ask for some guidance, or simply ask for a hug.^{[17]
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Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- No matter what your ex may have told you, you’re not alone.
- Apologize to those your ex may have hurt. Taking the time to talk to your friends and family members about the abuse can help mend your relationship with them.^{[18]
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- It can be difficult to trust after a narcissistic relationship. Fear might make you want to push loved ones away, but know not everyone is going to hurt you.^{[19]
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12

Seek professional help.

Therapists and counselors are here to help you through this difficult time. They can guide you on your path of healing, and help you work through any negative thoughts or behaviors. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can put a toll on your mental wellbeing, and you don’t need to go through the process of moving on alone.^{[20]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If you’re a victim of narcissistic domestic violence abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800)799-7233.^{[21]
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  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
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- If you need help on your healing journey, contact The Center For Hope at (716)955-9658.^{[22]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Do rebounds help you get over someone?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Nope! It's really hard to fully invest yourself in a new relationship when you haven't given yourself the time to grieve and heal from your break-up. This can start a dangerous pattern where you date back to back to back, with all of these relationships creating heartbreak that you don't properly process or heal from.