How to Forgive Yourself for Being Toxic

Written by Tracey Rogers, MA | Edited by Dan Hickey

Last Updated: October 27, 2022 References

Forgiving someone for toxic behavior isn’t easy, especially when that someone is you. We’re often a lot harder on ourselves than we are on others and this makes it hard to forgive ourselves for past wrongs. Thankfully, self-forgiveness is a skill that can be practiced and improved. We’ve put together a psychology-backed guide to forgiving yourself for being toxic, making amends, and moving on with your life. Read on to begin your journey toward self-forgiveness.

This article is based on an interview with our certified life coach and professional astrologer, Tracey Rogers. Check out the full interview here.

1

Acknowledge and accept what happened.

Recognizing what you’ve done is the first step to self-forgiveness. Be very specific about what you want to forgive and admit that you did something wrong (blaming someone else for your actions prevents self-forgiveness). If you have multiple incidents or a long history of toxic behavior, pick one behavior (like gaslighting) or one incident (“the time I spread a rumor about Greg”) to start with.^{[1]
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- It’s not fun to ruminate on instances of your toxic behavior. If you’re overwhelmed, remember that you’re human and your circumstances at the time caused you to lash out.
- It can feel embarrassing or vulnerable to admit to mistakes, but remember that they’re part of learning and growing.^{[2]
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2

Give yourself time to process everything.

Guilt is an important human emotion just like happiness or anger. Feeling guilty means you’re able to be empathetic and understand how your behavior impacts others. Accept your guilt without judging yourself for it. When you let it flow naturally, it will likely pass in a few hours or days.^{[3]
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- It’s important to feel your guilt in order to let it go. If you try to avoid or suppress it, it will only linger and fester longer.
- Try not to dwell on your guilt. An endless loop of negative emotions like guilt is linked to decreased emotional health and psychological well-being.

3

Separate what you did from who you are.

What happened is not an accurate reflection of your character. When you mess up, negative self-talk can internalize your mistake and make you feel like you’re a bad person for it. Remember that isn’t true!^{[4]
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4

Release your negative emotions.

Getting rid of negative feelings makes forgiveness possible. Negative emotions (like guilt or anger) and limiting beliefs (“I’m a horrible person”) are registered in your nervous system—you’re wired to keep beating yourself up about what happened. Identify the exact feelings and thoughts holding you back and let them go.^{[6]
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- Expressing the pain or guilt you feel about what you did by journaling or venting to a friend.
- Writing a “spew letter” (a letter to yourself detailing all of your negative thoughts about your toxic behavior). Read it out loud to yourself, sit with it for a while, and then throw it out.^{[7]
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- Moving or exercising your body in a way that feels good to clear your mind—try yoga, dancing, cardio, or anything that brings you joy.

5

Make a conscious decision to let the past go.

It’s easier to move forward when you let go of experiences holding you back. You can’t change what you did—you can only retain what you learned and move on. Remember that you can only do what you think is right in the moment and that if you knew how much damage you’d cause or guilt you’d feel, you wouldn’t have done it.^{[8]
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Research source} It’s empowering to know you have the choice to feel pain forever or move on from it for good.^{[9]
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- Focus on living in the moment. When bad memories creep in, tell yourself, “It’s OK that that happened, but now I’m focusing on my happiness.”
- You may need to make this decision more than once if your guilt creeps back in. Keep choosing to move forward and treat yourself with kindness.

6

Ask for forgiveness.

A sincere apology confronts the situation directly. Many times, asking for forgiveness leads to resolution for both you and the person you’ve hurt. It’s uncomfortable to fess up to your actions, but your willingness to come forward and make amends will help you forgive yourself for whatever happened.^{[10]
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- Explain yourself and your actions without getting defensive and tell the person you’re genuinely sorry. End by asking them to forgive you.^{[11]
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- Give the other person a chance to respond and communicate their feelings without interrupting or trying to correct them.
- Remember, the other person does not have to accept your apology. You can’t control how they feel or react to you, but you can feel proud that you did the right thing and apologized.

7

Try to make things right.

If there’s anything you can do to make up for what you’ve done, do it. Atonement—a reparation for an offense or injury—helps you forgive yourself and shows the people you’ve hurt that you’re genuinely sorry. This is infinitely better than isolating and punishing yourself (that doesn’t help you or anybody else). Put your regret into action and do things to minimize or erase the damage you’ve done to your relationships or reputation:^{[12]
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- For example, if you spread rumors about someone, you might atone by reaching out to the people you gossiped to and telling them you weren’t being honest.
- If you can’t do something to help the person you hurt, try doing something for someone else in need. Helping others in any way helps you find peace and repair your self-esteem.

8

Show yourself compassion.

If someone else were in your position, would you forgive them? Most likely! People tend to be harder on themselves than they are on others. Treat yourself the same way you would treat someone you care about (including forgiving yourself) and remind yourself you’re doing the best you can.^{[13]
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Research source} Practice self-compassion by:
- Journaling about your feelings, mistakes, and challenges.
- Practicing self-care and doing things that make you feel happy and rejuvenated.
- Giving yourself positive self-talk when you’re feeling negative emotions.^{[14]
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9

Reflect on what you’ve learned.

Your mistakes tell you what to do—and not to do—in the future. If you regret your toxic behavior, try to use your experience to gain wisdom and awareness to avoid acting similarly in the future. Instead of avoiding your mistakes and living in shame, try these strategies to make the most of them:^{[15]
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- Practice mindfulness to feel and process your emotions in real time. Having self-awareness can guide you toward productive behavior and reactions.
- Ask yourself, “What would I do differently? What advice would I give someone in this situation? What habits should I explore to act differently next time?”
- Recognize that some things are in your power to change, and some are not.

10

Make the decision to change.

Deciding you want to be a better person is the first step to becoming one. Oftentimes, change can feel really overwhelming and the toughest decision that anyone ever makes is the decision to invest and commit to themselves. It takes a lot to make that kind of commitment because it means you have to recognize that there are some things about you that need to change in order to be the best version of yourself.
- Perform a self-inventory to assess what needs to change. Challenge the narratives, perspectives, and thoughts of yourself and your life that you've been harboring.
- Practice dream liberation. Ask yourself, “What would liberate me from feeling stagnant and what does that dream look like for me in the future?”

11

Implement positive changes in your life.

Wanting to change is just an idea until you put it into action. If you forgive yourself but never make adjustments to prevent your toxic behavior from surfacing again, you won’t feel satisfied. By changing your behavior, you’re showing yourself and others that you feel genuine regret and want to be better.^{[16]
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- List specific ways to make your wants a reality, like reciting positive affirmations every day, practicing new anger management techniques, or exploring new stress coping mechanisms.
- Check in with the people you value the most to make sure you’re showing up for them as the best version of yourself.
- You’ll have good days and bad days as you work on yourself. Instead of shaming yourself when you mess up, acknowledge where you fell short and set an intention to keep changing.

12

Talk to a therapist if you're struggling.

A mental health professional can help you forgive yourself and move on. If your feelings of guilt and shame over your behavior are overwhelming and you can’t make yourself feel better with your current support systems (like friends, family, or self-care), a therapist or counselor can offer guidance. It reflects well on you to admit you need help than to pretend you’ve got it all together.^{[17]
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- Your feelings interfere with your work or relationships.
- Your mental health affects your physical health.
- You turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like overeating or substance abuse.

Community Q&A

Question

How would I be able to make amends with someone whom I have hurt? I try, yet every time I seem to make things worse for this person.

SERENITYJ KHAN

Community Answer

If you can't seem to help, then try to stay away and maybe they will forgive you. You could even say that you are just sorry for your past mistakes.