How to Reconnect with Your Spouse After Infidelity

Written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW | Edited by Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: July 29, 2022 References

Finding out your partner is having an affair can leave you gutted. It’s common to feel angry, sad, and insecure for a while after it happens. An affair can stress your relationship, but we're here to help. You can still have a long, happy marriage after infidelity. Keep reading for a comprehensive guide to reconnecting with your spouse after infidelity.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychotherapist, Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Check out the full interview here.

1

Apologize if you had the affair.

Take responsibility for your actions and ask for forgiveness. Healing won’t happen automatically, but it will come in time. It may take several apologies, and that’s okay. You might say:
- “I really messed up, and I’m so sorry. You’re the most important thing in my life.”
- “I wish I could take back what I did, but I know I can’t. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”

2

Honestly discuss what happened.

Share all of the details about what happened and why. In most cases, the betrayed partner needs to be able to ask questions and get honest responses, even if it’s hard to talk about the affair. Additionally, both partners need to figure out why the partner who cheated needed to go outside the relationship to get their needs met. As your repair your marriage, you can work on meeting these needs.^{[1]
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- For instance, the partner who cheated may feel like they need more attention, or they might have enjoyed the excitement they had with their affair partner.
- When an affair happens, the responsibility is always on the partner who cheated, even if they felt like their partner wasn’t meeting their needs.
- Set aside time to talk about the affair so it’s not all you talk about. That way, the betrayal doesn’t become the focus of your relationship.

3

Set boundaries so the affair doesn’t continue.

Establishing relationship ground rules can give you peace of mind. Both of you need to know the affair is over and won’t happen again. Talk to your partner about what you each want for your relationship going forward.^{[2]
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Research source} After an affair, you might set these boundaries:
- Cutting off all contact with the affair partner.
- Blocking the affair partner on social media.
- Sharing passwords.
- Going to couple’s counseling.

4

Communicate every day.

Communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Speak to each other in a loving, caring way to help you rebuild your connection. Focus on understanding your partner so you can grow closer to each other. Make sure you talk about good things as well as your problems. When you discuss issues, use “I” statements” to express yourself without creating feelings of blame.
- You’d say, “I feel like you don’t prioritize date night,” versus “You don’t make time for date nights.”
- If you’re having trouble communicating, try doing something while you have a conversation. You might go for a drive or go for a walk together. It’ll be easier to have a deep conversation.

5

Show each other affection daily.

Physical touch helps you connect with your spouse. Give each other hugs and kisses to show affection. Additionally, make a habit of touching your spouse when you’re near them, such as a casual pat on the back. When you’re home together, snuggle on the couch or hold hands while you watch television.^{[3]
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- It’s okay to work your way back up to physical affection if this is something that’s uncomfortable for you right now. You might start with just holding hands or sitting close to each other.
- Ease back into physical intimacy with sensual touching. Reconnecting physically may take time, but you can enjoy the process. Try giving each other massages to reignite your passions for each other.^{[4]
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6

Surprise each other with nice things.

Acts of kindness can help you mend your relationship. Give your spouse a small token of your affection, like a box of candy or flowers. You might also do special favors for them or surprise them with lunch. Just try to make them feel special.^{[5]
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- You could each make a list of things you’ve always wanted, like a romantic date on the beach or a bouquet of flowers sent to your workplace. Exchange lists to give you inspiration for surprising each other.

7

Express gratitude for each other.

Appreciate the blessings your partner brings to your life. Focusing on the good will help you both heal and reconnect. Tell your partner how you feel about them every day. When they do something nice for you, acknowledge what they did and say “thank you.”^{[6]
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Research source} Say things like:
- “You’re worth working for. I want you.”
- “Thank you for all you do around here.”
- “I’m so blessed to have you in my life.”
- “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
- “Thank you for loving me.”

8

Recreate a favorite memory.

Ignite your nostalgia by reliving a romantic date from your past. Think about a time when things felt perfect, then surprise your partner with a special date. Remembering good times can help you reconnect with each other and rekindle the love that brought you together.^{[7]
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Research source} You could try:
- Recreating your first date.
- Going to the place you first said, “I love you.”
- Taking them dancing like you did when you were dating.
- Going on a romantic walk on the beach like you did on your honeymoon.
- Taking them to the place you proposed and telling them you’re recommitting to them.

9

Have fun together.

Go on regular dates so you can create new memories. Enjoying your time together will bring you closer and will remind you why you fell in love. If you have kids, include them in some of your fun. However, schedule some time alone so you can reconnect as a couple.^{[8]
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- You might enjoy a romantic candlelight dinner on the beach, take a salsa dancing class, enjoy a wine tasting, play games at an arcade, go bowling, go to a roller skating rink, or enjoy a picnic in the park.
- If you can’t get a babysitter, plan date nights at home. You could have a candlelight dessert or glass of wine after they go to bed. Or, you could have a romantic coffee date before they get up.

10

Open up about your thoughts and feelings.

Be vulnerable with each other to reestablish your connection. Opening up about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences will help you connect emotionally. Tell each other everything so you’re each others’ confidant. Share what happens during your day, and talk about your hopes and fears for the future.^{[9]
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- Dive deep by asking each other questions. You could ask, “What’s your biggest fear?” “How would you describe your dream life?” or “What’s your favorite memory from your childhood?”

11

Learn to trust each other again.

Honesty and openness will show your partner they can trust you. Start by being reliable when you say you’re going to do something. Additionally, communicate openly and honestly, including answering your partner’s questions. For now, tell your partner what you’re doing and where you’re going all the time.
- Consider giving your partner your passwords for your phone and social media so they can check it if they feel doubts. While this isn’t good for the long-term, it might be necessary when you’re first starting to rebuild trust.

12

Go to couple’s counseling.

A counselor can give you the tools to reconnect and save your marriage. Your counselor will give you a safe space to talk about what happened, and they’ll guide you through the conversation. Additionally, they’ll help you cope with feelings of grief, sadness, and betrayal.
- You can find counselors via a Google search or recommendations from friends. It’s a good idea to interview 3 or 4 counselors to make sure you feel totally comfortable with the one you choose.

13

Treat your reconnection as a new beginning.

Leave the past behind you and focus on the future. It might not seem like it right now, but it’s possible to have a better relationship after infidelity. The affair showed you what’s important—each other. Your love can come back even stronger than before.
- As part of your new beginning, go on dates and get to know each other again. This is a new chapter in your relationship.

14

Give yourself time to heal.

Your relationship can come back stronger, but it takes time. The betrayed partner will likely experience anger, grief, and sadness as they work through their pain. Be present in the relationship and focus on loving each other. In time, you’ll be able to reconnect.
- Feelings may come and go in cycles, so the betrayed partner might experience an emotional rollercoaster. There may even be times that sadness or anger bubbles up after your relationship feels normal again. This is very common, so be patient.