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This article was written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Your shoulders tense, your breath comes faster, and your jaw clenches tightly. Everything in your line of sight goes red. You know what being angry feels like, but you may not know how to relieve your anger when it happens. Controlling your anger comes down to learning how to cool off in heat the moment and improving your communication habits so you can address the underlying causes behind your emotions. It may also help to pick up new strategies to keep your anger under lock and key over the long term.
This article is based off an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Dr. Chloe Carmichael. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Practicing Relaxation
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1Breathe deeply. As soon as you notice the signs of anger, take several deep breaths in and out. Draw the breath slowly into your nose, and then gradually release the breath from your mouth. It may help to count: 4 counts in, hold for 7 counts, and 8 counts out.[1]
- As you breathe, imagine that each new breath brings a sense of calm, while each exhalation carries away the anger and tension.
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2Ease tension with progressive muscle relaxation. It can help to work your way through your body and notice where you're holding tension. Progressive muscle relaxation is an effective technique for bringing awareness to tension and relieving it.[2]
- Take a seat in a comfortable chair. Starting at your ankles, contract the muscles for a few seconds, noticing how the tension feels. Then, relax the muscles in your ankles and notice how that feels. Move up to the next group of muscles until you've covered your entire body.
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3Practice visualization. Visualization is another way to relax when you're feeling angry. You can practice visualization by listening to a guided imagery video or by simply calling to mind a relaxing situation or location.[3]
- For example, you might imagine lying out on a sunny beach. Use all your senses to envision the environment: the ocean waves crash in your ears and tropical birds chirp in the background, the sun is warm on your skin and the wind is slightly cool. Stay with this image until you start to feel calmer.
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4Try yoga nidra. Yoga nidra is a mindful practice in which you follow a set of verbal instructions to become increasingly aware of your inner world. Yoga nidra can help alleviate anger, anxiety, and depression. Look online to find classes near you or videos and apps with free, guided yoga nidra sessions.[4]
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5Express your anger in a safe and controlled way. Acknowledge your angry feelings without dismissing them.[5] Expressing anger can involve talking through the situation that made you angry with another person (covered in the next method), or it might involve physical activity. Try throwing a basketball against a brick wall or taking a few swings at a punching bag to release anger.[6]
- You might also see if there are “anger rooms” in your area. Such rooms offer safe spaces for you to let out anger by throwing or breaking something.
- If you feel like your anger puts you in danger of causing physical harm to yourself or others, call 911.[7]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Changing the Way You Communicate
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1Take a timeout. If you're in a situation in which expressing anger may be inappropriate—like at school or work—try taking a timeout. Use this time to collect yourself and reel in your anger before you say something you later regret.[8]
- You might use your timeout to count silently to 100, breathe deeply, walk around the block, or watch a funny video on YouTube.
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2Remind yourself to stay calm. It's a good thing to pause before speaking and remind yourself to stay cool. You can do this by silently talking to yourself with compassion. You might say something over and over again like, “Just relax” or, “Stay calm.”[9]
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3Avoid rigid or absolute language. Sometimes, the language you use only worsens the emotion you're feeling. Drop words like “always,” “never,” “should,” or “must” from your vocabulary to prevent yourself from getting any angrier.[10]
- If you tend to use a lot of absolute language, you could be making yourself even more angry than you already are.
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4Use “I” statements. Assertively speak up for yourself using an “I” statement. They typically start with “I feel.” This might sound like, “I feel overwhelmed when you give me more work before I've completed other projects. Can we come up with a better process for this?” without attacking others.[11]
- “I” statements are a great way to communicate your feelings and needs without making others defensive.
- You can start a conversation with someone who made you angry by saying something like, “I found myself getting pretty upset about what happened yesterday, and I wanted to just explain why to see if we can agree on something different moving forward in this type of situation.”[12]
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5Write it down. There are times when you may not be able to reel in your anger enough to get your message across in a productive way. In such cases, writing can be an effective outlet. Grab a pen and paper and write down in a letter what you'd like to say.[13]
- After you've re-read the offensive letter, tear it up and trash it. Then, write a new one using calm, solution-focused phrases to resolve the issue with the other person.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Keeping Stress and Anger at Bay
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1Find out what's making you angry. Emotions convey a message about how you feel regarding the world, a situation, other people, and yourself. Track and write down things that in your life that make you angry. If you find a pattern or often get angry at the same type of situation, it might indicate that things need to be changed.[14]
- For instance, if traffic and waiting in line make you angry, you might want to work on becoming more patient.
- Anger is a normal emotion, and it’s often a sign that someone has crossed one of your boundaries.[15]
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2Take regular breaks to manage frustration. Schedule mini-breaks when you're engaging in a complex or stressful task. Use your break to take your mind off the frustrating task for a while. Call up a friend, play a game on your phone, or chat with a friendly coworker.[16]
- If you're working on a frustrating task nonstop without rest, your temper may quickly flare. Regular breaks can help relieve anger before it happens.
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3Say “no” to excessive obligations. Anger can sometimes pop up as a result of resentment: you get upset with others because they keep giving you more responsibilities. The only way to put a stop to the endless demand for your time and energy is by speaking up. Tell people when you simply can't take on more work or delegate tasks to someone who can take them on.[17]
- Let's say your spouse asks you to “get the kids out of the house” when you've already got an overflowing workload plus household chores. Instead of bubbling with anger beneath the surface, you might say, “Sweetie, I'm already bogged down with stuff here. Can you do it? Or call a babysitter?”
- If something upsets you and makes you feel a little angry, it’s a good idea to address it before it becomes a bigger issue. Pushing anger down can make it build up and result in an outburst.[18]
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4
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5Avoid stimulants. Stimulants found in food and beverages, like caffeine, can increase your feelings of frustration, impatience, impulsiveness, and anger. It's best to minimize or avoid stimulants as much as possible.[20]
- For instance, drinking coffee releases adrenaline and norepinephrine in your brain which activates your fight-or-flight response and can lead directly to anger.
- Other types of stimulants include nicotine and amphetamines.
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6Learn mindfulness. Set aside a few minutes each day for your mindfulness practice. Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Briefly check in with your body, noticing any tension or the places where it makes contact with your seat. Take several deep, calming breaths. Focus completely on your breath. If your mind wanders, return your focus to your breath.[21]
- Consistent practice should help you become more aware of your emotions and teach you how to cope with anger effectively.
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7Show compassion for your anger. Call to mind a recent episode that made you angry. Then, re-experience what happened so that you feel the anger again—safely, not to the point of explosive anger.[22]
- Notice the sensation of anger in your body. How does it feel? Where is it concentrated?
- Now, bring compassion to the feeling. Remember, anger is completely normal and human. When you think about it this way, what happens?
- Now, say goodbye to the feeling of anger. Slowly, refocus on your breath. Then, reflect on the experience. What did you learn about the experience of anger?
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you get rid of anger and hate?
Chloe Carmichael, PhDChloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
Licensed Clinical PsychologistWrite a letter that you don't plan on sending. You might say every ugly, reprehensible word you couldn't say to the person's face. But, don't deliver this letter. Instead, re-read what you wrote over and over again. Doing so can help you diffuse the emotion relating to the experience. it will also help you pinpoint what caused your anger.
Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.
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QuestionHow can I control my anger when I feel out of control?Chloe Carmichael, PhDChloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
Licensed Clinical PsychologistTry keeping a journal and writing in it whenever you start to get mad. This will help you pinpoint what triggers your anger so you can avoid it in the future. Remember that bottling up your anger will only lead to worse problems down the line. Instead, find healthy outlets for your anger, like going for a run or listening to music.Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.
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Warnings
- It can be tempting to relieve anger with unhealthy behaviors, such as using alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings. These activities may actually worsen your anger and lead to an addiction.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- If you ever get so angry you think you might hurt yourself or someone else, call emergency services for help.[24]⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-health-benefits-demonstration/
- ↑ https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/stress-management-doing-progressive-muscle-relaxation
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/287588088_Yoga_nidra_and_Benson%27s_meditative_relaxation_and_anxiety_level_anger_and_depression_emotions
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/30/health/anger-room-stress-relief/index.html
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ https://open.buffer.com/science-taking-breaks-at-work/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no/
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ https://www.medicaldaily.com/caffeine-coffee-could-be-messing-your-mood-studies-link-caffeine-anxiety-depression-358480
- ↑ https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-of-anger/
- ↑ https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-of-anger/
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
- ↑ Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 July 2020.
About This Article
Article SummaryX
When you need to relieve anger, take a timeout from whatever you’re doing as soon as possible so you can come back with a calmer perspective. While you’re on a timeout, try breathing deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth to calm you down. You can also visualize yourself in a relaxing place like a sunny beach and imagine the sound of the waves to distract you from your anger. Another great way to relieve anger is to do some exercise, like swimming, walking, or yoga, which helps you let out your emotions. If you find yourself getting angry often, try to take regular breaks from stressful tasks so you can prevent your anger building up. For more tips from our co-author, including how to learn mindfulness to help reduce the effects of your anger, read on!
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Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
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