How to Stop Hitting My Boyfriend

Co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: November 28, 2022 References

“I hit my boyfriend…again. Now what?” Intimate partner violence (IPV) is always wrong, and you’ve taken an important first step by admitting you have a problem. The next step—stopping your violence—requires a dedication to change and a willingness to accept help, but these are things you absolutely can do. Read this article for help in achieving your goal of never hitting your boyfriend again.

1

Forgive yourself and accept that you can change.

Letting go of your guilt and shame can help you move in the right direction. You should feel bad after you hit your boyfriend, but holding on to those feelings permanently will only hold you back.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} Instead, allow those feelings to motivate you to make amends and make improvements, then let go of them and focus on moving forward in a positive direction.^{[2]
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- You are not defined by this bad thing you’ve done. You can stop it from being part of your life moving forward.
- Please note: If you hit your boyfriend out of self-defense and only to protect yourself, you have no reason to feel guilt or shame in the first place.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Catherine Boswell, PhD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} Focus on your own wellbeing and staying safe. Consider contacting a crisis line like the National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/

2

Do some serious self-evaluation about why you use violence.

What triggers you, and what is your motivation for hitting him? Intimate Partner Violence doesn’t just happen for no reason. In fact, there are usually multiple reasons—which include both motivations for using it and triggers that unleash it. Take some time to yourself to consider your own IPV triggers and motivations.^{[4]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Common triggers for IPV include:
  - Alcohol or drug use.
  - Arguments over issues like money or childcare.
  - Your boyfriend’s refusal to talk or engage with you.
  - Stressors that have little to do with your boyfriend.
  - Violence (physical or non-physical) by your boyfriend.
- Common motivations for IPV include:
  - Releasing bottled-up, negative emotions (like anger).^{[5]
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    Expert Source
    
    Catherine Boswell, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.}
  - Exerting control over your boyfriend.
  - Expressing jealousy.
  - Proving you shouldn’t be messed around with (a “tough guise”).
  - Defending yourself against his IPV.

3

Treat substance abuse issues that contribute to your violence.

Alcohol or drug use are commonly involved in IPV episodes. Any substance that reduces your capacity for rational thought and self-control is a risk-enhancer for IPV. All your efforts to reduce your anger, manage your stress, and improve communication can be lost if you let substance abuse result in new violent episodes. It’s vital to seek professional treatment if you’re abusing alcohol or drugs.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}

4

Use anger management strategies to help control your rage.

Simple calming techniques can stop anger from turning into violence. People who engage in IPV often speak of feeling like “something just snapped” or that they “just lost it.” Fortunately, strategies like taking several deep breaths really can help to reduce anger before the switch is flipped and self-control is lost.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} Try out anger management techniques like the following:
- Breathe slowly and deeply from your diaphragm, so that you can feel each breath coming from deep down in your abdomen.
- Repeat a calming word like “relax” or “peace” to yourself.
- Visualize a calming memory, like helping your grandma bake cookies, or a calming image, like an isolated and pristine beach.
- Relax your muscles section-by-section, imagining your anger releasing along with your muscle tension.
- Engage in vigorous physical activity (like running or shadow boxing) to release pent-up anger.
- Make lifestyle changes to ensure you’re getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly.
- Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts.
- Attend an anger management program with a trained instructor.

5

Learn to walk away when you feel the urge to be violent.

By walking away, you can give your anger the chance to pass. Calming techniques can work wonders to reduce anger, but sometimes walking away is the best solution. Head to another room and close the door, go sit in your car, or take a walk around the neighborhood. Use your calming strategies while you’re alone until you feel ready to re-engage with your boyfriend.^{[8]
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- If your boyfriend is angry too and says something like, “Don’t walk away from me,” respond as plainly and calmly as you can: “I need a minute to cool down. I’ll come back when I can think and act calmly.”

6

Reduce unnecessary sources of stress in your life.

Is your boyfriend paying the price for other stressors you’re facing? Each source of stress is another bubble that makes it easier for you to boil over in anger at your boyfriend. By lowering the overall temperature in your life—that is, by identifying and reducing stressors—you can reduce the likelihood that you’ll lash out in frustration, anger, and violence.^{[9]
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- You might need to cut back on your work schedule, reduce your social commitments, stop trying to be the “world’s most involved parent,” ask for help from friends and family, or end a toxic friendship.

7

Apologize to your boyfriend and lay out your plan for change.

A genuine apology includes a plan of action to prevent future violence. More than just a quick "I'm sorry," this is a full apology that happens when you’re both calm and you have clearly thought through what you want to say. Keep the “3 Rs” of a good apology—regret, responsibility, and remedy—in mind during your planning and presentation. Speak from the heart and make it clear that you’re being fully honest.^{[10]
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- Let him know that you realize your use of violence is wrong and not justifiable in any way, and that you are truly dedicated to making sure it doesn’t happen again. For example:
  - “John, I apologize for slapping you last night. I know I said it wouldn’t happen anymore and I’m so sorry that I hit you again. I really do want it to stop and am going to start counseling. I hope that you can forgive me but also accept that you have every right to leave.”
- Especially since this isn’t a one-time episode, your boyfriend may not accept your apology and choose to end the relationship. Respect this choice, even if you wish it wasn’t so, and focus on your plan for self-improvement for your next relationship.

8

Ask your boyfriend to share how he feels when you hit him.

It’s up to him if he wants to share, but listen carefully if he does. The point here isn’t to punish yourself by having to hear exactly what kind of pain you put him through. Rather, the goal is to better understand the impact of your violence on him, on the relationship, and even on you. This is also a way to demonstrate your dedication to be a better listener moving forward.^{[11]
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- Here’s one way you might be able to encourage him to share: “I’m going to try to explain how I feel when I start hitting you. Then, if you’re okay with sharing, I’d really like to hear how you feel when this happens.”
- You might discover that he feels scared, angry, confused, ashamed, disrespected, or a combination of emotions all at once.

9

Work with your boyfriend on communicating openly and often.

IPV often happens at least partly due to a lack of communication. If your boyfriend refuses to talk about something with you—maybe something important like finances or suspicions of infidelity—you might turn to violence because you, on your own part, don’t have strong communication skills. To help build up your communication skills, consider setting aside time each day to talk openly, honestly, and calmly about whatever is on each of your minds.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
Go to source}
- Women who use IPV against male partners frequently cite poor communication as a trigger, and “making him have to respond to me” (or something similar) as a motive. This can occur in any type of intimate partner relationship, though.^{[13]
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10

Attend therapy with a licensed and experienced professional.

It’s a sign of strength to seek out help in changing your ways. While you definitely can succeed in no longer hitting your boyfriend, there’s no shame in admitting that you need help achieving this goal. The support of your boyfriend, as well as friends, family, and mentors, is very helpful, but often what you really need is the guidance of a professional therapist. Attend sessions with an open mind, a determination to change, and a genuine belief that you can succeed. Therapy can help in areas like the following:^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- Dealing with past trauma, which might include your own experience as a victim of IPV.
- Working to control your anger if you’re struggling to make this change on your own.
- Improving your coping skills so you can handle stressors and disappointments better.
- Improving your problem-solving skills so smaller issues don’t balloon into big ones.
- Increasing communication and trust in your relationship, perhaps by attending couples therapy sessions with your boyfriend.

11

Never believe that you deserve violence in return.

Don’t let yourself get caught up in an endless cycle of violence. Hitting your boyfriend does not give him the right to hit you back, beyond any necessary actions he needs to take to protect himself. The same is true for you if you’re also a victim of IPV. If you're in a relationship that has two-way IPV happening, you both either have to dedicate yourselves to change or the relationship needs to end. Otherwise, the cycle of violence will only get worse over time.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
Go to source}
- If your boyfriend chooses to break up with you or even contacts the authorities after you hit him, that’s absolutely his right and you should accept the consequences of your actions. But he has no right to inflict violence on you because you “deserve” it for your own actions. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I make amends for my mistake?

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

Catherine Boswell, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

It is essential to forgive yourself. Be accountable for your mistake and learn from it.
Question

What is the meaning of rage?

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

Catherine Boswell, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

A rage is an intense form of anger. At times it is a significant and protective behavior. But mostly, it is more harmful than helpful.