Divorcing your narcissistic ex can feel like the start of a new chapter in your life. However, there may come a time (or lots of times) when you still have to talk to your ex about your kids, finances, or assets. Fortunately, by keeping a few tips and tricks in mind, you can talk to your ex husband about whatever you need to. We’ve listed all the tips you’ll need to know to have productive, constructive conversations with your ex that don’t end in a fight.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Limit contact with your ex.

  1. Only contact him when it’s absolutely necessary. In a perfect world, you’d be able to cut your narcissistic ex out of your life completely—but even after a divorce, that might not be possible. Try to talk to him as infrequently as you can, and only chat with him about important stuff, like your kids (if you have them) and any loose ends you need to tie up.[1]
    • If you are able to cut your ex out of your life, try implementing the no-contact rule. Block him everywhere (including social media) and don’t reach out to let him know he’s out of your life for good.
  2. Advertisement
6

Talk to him gently but firmly.

  1. Keep your tone neutral but strong to keep the conversation focused. Narcissists will often interpret a negative tone as a threat, which could make him lash out. When you talk to your ex, keep your tone of voice solid, and don’t back down if he makes threats against you.[6]
    • For instance, instead of saying, “I hate when you talk to me like that,” try, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice.”
    • Instead of saying, “You’re acting like a child,” try, “Let’s both try to talk this through like mature adults.”
7

State your boundaries clearly.

  1. Boundaries will let him know what he can and can’t do to you. If you don’t state your boundaries, your ex might think it’s okay to walk all over you. Tell him that you’re not going to stand for any abuse, and feel free to leave the situation if he gets out of line.[7]
    • For instance, if he starts yelling, you could say, “I’m not going to listen to you if you raise your voice at me. Please lower your voice.”
    • If he insults you, you might say, “I won’t have a conversation with you if you’re going to be nasty. I want to be civil with you, so please treat me with respect.”
  2. Advertisement
8

Focus on the present, not the past.

10

Don’t apologize to him.

  1. Narcissists will often guilt you into thinking you are less than them.[10] If your ex tries to do this with you, don’t let him—refuse to say you’re sorry for whatever criticism he throws your way, and keep your own self-worth at the forefront of your mind.[11]
    • Apologizing to him can lead to you softening your boundaries or doing things you don’t actually want to do.
    • Your ex might try to make you feel powerless. The best thing you can do is remind yourself that you do have the power, and he’s not in control of you.[12]
11

Remember that his behavior is not your fault.

  1. You’re divorced now, and whatever he does is on him. It’s easy to take the blame for a narcissist’s behavior, especially because they’re so good at shaming other people.[13] Keep reminding yourself that you two are done now, and you don’t have to live with him or be in a relationship with him ever again.
    • When you’re having a tough interaction with him, keep thinking about how you get to leave and go home without him. If you can keep that in the forefront of your mind, it might just give you the strength to push through.
  2. Advertisement
13

See a therapist if you need to.

  1. Toxic relationships can be hard to deal with, even after the fact. If you’re having a tough time interacting with your ex husband or coming to terms with his narcissism, make an appointment with a mental health professional. They can help you work through past trauma and come up with ways you can interact with your ex in a positive, constructive manner.[15]
  2. Advertisement
  1. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
  2. https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-language-of-narcissists#2
  3. Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019
  4. Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
  5. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  6. Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
  7. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
  8. Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.

About This Article

Jay Reid, LPCC
Written by:
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
This article was written by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. This article has been viewed 10,223 times.
How helpful is this?
Co-authors: 4
Updated: May 21, 2022
Views: 10,223
Categories: Argument Skills
Advertisement