How to Secretly Flirt with a Girl over Text and IRL

Written by Cher Gopman | Edited by Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: December 13, 2022 References

You’re crushing on a girl, and it’s time to make your move. With a little subtle flirting, you can find if she’s interested and hopefully score a date. Luckily, you don’t have to make it super obvious that you like her. We have all the best tips and tricks to secretly flirt with a girl—both in-person and over text.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, Cher Gopman, founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Include flirty emojis in texts or social media posts.

Emojis make your text exchange light and fun. Additionally, you can use them to easily express your emotions. Add an emoji or 2 into your messages to flirt with her.^{[1]
X
Research source} Here are some flirty texts you could send:
- “Wanna study together this weekend? 😉”
- “Your snap today 😍”
- “You always make me smile ❤️”
- “Thinking of you today 💕”
- “I got you this: 🌹”

2

Make eye contact and linger for a moment when you see her.

Eye contact lets her know you’re into her. ^{[2]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Hold her gaze for just 1 second, then look away. After a moment, shift your eyes back to her to see if she looks back at you, too.^{[3]
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- If she meets your eyes a second time, she’s probably into you, too.
- Only lock eyes for a second or 2 because she’ll get creeped out if you keep staring.
- Take it to the next level by scanning your eyes down her body so she knows you’re checking her out.^{[4]
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3

Compliment her—over text and in-person.

Tell her why you like her. Point out what you like about her sense of style, or compliment her best features, like her eyes.^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.} You could also bring up her accomplishments or milestones she’s achieved.^{[6]
X
Research source} Here are some examples of compliments you could give:
- “Your hair looks amazing today.”
- “Your solo performance was phenomenal.”
- “You’re so funny.”
- “This outfit is so cool.”
- “Your response in class today was so smart.”

4

Ask her open-ended questions to show you’re interested.

This works great both in-person and over text. Inquire about what’s going on in her life or about her interests. To keep the conversation going, ask follow-up questions. As you spend time getting to know her, she’ll realize that you’re into her.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Remember to sprinkle in your own answers, too. Here are some questions you could ask:
- “What’s your dream job?”
- “What are your hobbies?”
- “Where have you always wanted to visit?”
- “What album represents your life?”
- “How do you like to spend Friday nights?”
- “What’s your favorite memory?”

5

Listen to her to make a real connection.

Listening shows her you want to be involved in her life. Focus all of your attention on her when you’re talking or texting. Additionally, comment on what she says so she knows you were paying attention. Later, bring up details from past conversations to show her you really care about her.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- During the conversation, say things like, “Wow, that’s so crazy,” “It sounds like you’ve had a hard day,” “or “What happened next?”

6

Tease her playfully.

Light teasing is a subtle way to flirt. Your goal isn’t to be mean or to highlight any of her insecurities. Instead, try to make her smile by pretending to have a silly misunderstanding or by calling her a positive nickname.^{[9]
X
Research source} Here are some things you could try:
- Maybe she doesn’t have plans for the weekend. You could say, “Oh, you were waiting to make plans with me. I see.” She’ll probably laugh and say something like, “Nuh uh.”
- Let’s say she’s really good at playing guitar. You might say, “I didn’t realize I was talking to the next Taylor Swift. Should I get your autograph now?”

7

Make her laugh.

Use your humor to secretly flirt. Share your funniest stories with her, like the time you slipped in the cafeteria or the time you sang bad karaoke.^{[10]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.} Additionally, learn a few silly jokes you can slip into conversations or send via text.^{[11]
X
Research source} Here are some jokes to get you started:
- “Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl when it uses the restroom?” “Because the ‘p’ is silent.”
- “I have a good joke about construction.” “Unfortunately, it’s still in development.”
- “How do you make holy water?” “You boil the hell out of it.”

8

Lean in when she talks to you in-person.

Leaning toward someone indicates that you’re interested. Lean forward if you’re facing her, or lean to the side if she’s beside you. It’s subtle, but it sends a clear message that you want to get to know her better.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- While she’s talking, nod along so she knows you’re listening to her.
- Check out how she’s leaning. Is she leaning toward you? She probably likes you, too! However, she might not be as open to you right now if she’s leaning away from you.

9

Act more lively and expressive when talking to her.

You gesture more when you’re flirting with someone. Being lively and exciting draws people to you, so it could help you impress your crush. Here are some things you might try:^{[13]
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- Give her a big smile to show her you’re having a good time.
- Cock an eyebrow when you’re asking her a question.
- Give a big reaction when she reveals something about herself. For example, you might gasp when she reveals she has a similar interest to you.
- Move your hands a lot: lift them in the air in surprise, spread them out to emphasize, clasp them together to convey gratitude or hope.

10

Mirror her body posture, gestures, and expressions.

It’s human nature to copy someone you like. When you’re around her, observe her behaviors so you can mimic her. Keep it subtle, though, so it’s not too obvious that you’re copying her. This will help her notice you.^{[14]
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- For example, let’s say she’s got her legs crossed. Cross yours. Similarly, if she stretches, you stretch. If she laughs, you laugh with her.
- On the other hand, you could also just watch her to see if she’s copying YOUR movements. If she is, she could be into you.

11

Touch her lightly to physically flirt.

Touching is a great way to secretly flirt, but respect her boundaries. Start by lightly brushing against her to see how she reacts.^{[15]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.} If she seems comfortable, you might press your arm or leg against hers. Next, you could try lightly touching her arm or upper back.^{[16]
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- If she pulls away when you touch her, she’s probably uncomfortable and may not be interested. Give her some space so she can start to feel comfortable again.^{[17]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cher Gopman
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

12

Suggest hanging out together.

This is how you ask her out without being obvious. Pick an activity that you’ll both like, preferably a shared interest. Then, start a conversation with her over text or in-person. When you’re ready, try one of the following ways to secretly ask someone out:^{[18]
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- Ask her, “Any exciting plans this weekend?” After she responds, say, “Movies in the Park is playing a Harry Potter movie this Saturday. I know it’s your favorite movie. Do you wanna go?”
- Try asking, “In your opinion, which restaurant has the best pizza in town?” When she replies, say, “You’re so right. Since it’s your fave, wanna go this Friday?”
- Say something like, “The diner started serving holiday-themed pancakes that seem totally you.” When she says, “That sounds delicious,” you say, “Want to go try them together?”

13

Back off if she doesn’t seem interested.

Give her some space if she’s not flirting back or seems closed off. She may be uncomfortable if she’s looking away or crossing her arms in front of her body. Respect her boundaries by leaving her alone. Instead, flirt with someone else who might return your affections.^{[19]
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