How to Touch a Girl

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta

Last Updated: February 13, 2023

How do you break the touch barrier with a girl you like? It's difficult to know when to reach out, and when you're going too far. If you've found a girl you like and the attraction is mutual, you have to start by breaking the touch barrier, and then you can find sneaky ways to make physical contact more often. So how do you touch a girl without sending the wrong message? Read on to find out.

This article is based on an interview with our international dating coach and matchmaker, Laura Bilotta, founder of Single in the City. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 5:

Breaking the Touch Barrier

1
Make sure the girl welcomes your touches. Before you start planning a way to touch the girl, you must make sure your advances are welcome. If the girl likes you, then she'll stand closer to you, and will generally show that she enjoys your company. Keep in mind, if you make an advance they don't like, they may retreat, but still like you.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} Is she making eye contact? Is she smiling, laughing and having a good time? If so, you're on the right track. Here are a few other ways to see if she wants you to touch her:
- If she likes you, she might hold your gaze for a long time or pull away immediately, but this is not clear cut. Either of these signs could mean that she likes you, but sometimes, you could be wrong. So, before you make any spontaneous decisions, make sure to make it clear that the feeling is mutual. If you happen to glance at the girl and you see her staring back at you, then this means that she likes you, although she may quickly dart her head in a different direction. If she pulls away quickly, it could mean she is nervous but still likes you.
Tip: Assess her personality. Ask her if she would like to be touched with a phrase like "Can we hold hands?", or move slowly but clearly.
2
Give her a light and casual touch. Brush your arm up against hers, place your hand on the small of her back, or just pass her a pen or a notebook and let your hands linger near each other's.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} Does she jump back, like she's just placed her hand on a hot burner, or does she let your bodies linger together for a second and give you a smile? If she returns your affection, then she is welcoming your plan to break the touch barrier.
- Keep the first touch casual and friendly to see how she responds. There's no need for a romantic gesture yet.
3
Linger a little longer. If the casual approach worked, then try touching her for a little bit longer next time. Place your hand on the small of her back for a few seconds, not just to lead her through a door. Keep your hand over hers for an extra second or two when you hand her a stick of gum. If your knees or legs brush under the table, let them rest there for a little while longer before moving away.
- This will warm the girl up to more intimate and longer lasting touches, and it will give you a better sense of how much she likes the contact.

Part 2

Part 2 of 5:

Being Respectful

1
Look for opportunities to break the touch barrier in a respectful way when you are together. This will give you an excuse to touch her under the guise of just being a good person and looking out for her. Make sure she's the kind of girl who is okay with all this stuff and doesn't find you too old-fashioned, though. Be her knight in shining armor. Once you're on a date, or hanging out in a date-like setting where you're alone and liking each other, you should look for chances so you can touch her.
2
Hold her jacket out. If you're both about to leave and she needs to put on a jacket or coat, hold it out for her so that she can slip her arms into the sleeves. The knuckles of your fingers will probably gently brush up against her as you're doing this. If she responds positively and you notice that her hair is between her jacket and her back, carefully pull it out for her.
- You can also help her take her jacket off at the beginning of the night, whether you've invited her over your place or have stepped out to a restaurant.
3
Offer your hand. This is especially helpful when she might need to keep her balance, such as when she's getting into or out of a car, or when she's stepping over a puddle or any other uneven surface. Girls love this because it shows that you are thinking of her and not just yourself. This is more likely to be appropriate if she's dressed nicely or wearing heels.
- Again, make sure she's not the kind of girl who thinks it's demeaning of you to suggest that she needs to hold your hand to get stuff done.
4
Link arms. This will serve as an invitation for her to hook her arm around yours, especially if you're about to walk together. This is a classically romantic way to walk as a couple without being too touchy-feely. You should do this after you've already had a nice date and had a nice time with each other. After dinner or the movie or whatever you did on the date, stepping out for a stroll is a great way to show your affection for each other.
- If it's your first time trying this maneuver or making this kind of physical contact, then don't step out onto a crowded street where you're both likely to run in to people you know. Find a more intimate setting.
5
Do the "ladies first" trick. Open the door for her and allow her to go first through doors, corridors or small crowds. A nice, firm gesture would be to press with your hand just above her waist (you can set your hand anywhere on her back to guide her through the door, if you two are really comfortable around each other, you might be able to place it lower than the hip). Walk towards the door (or corridor), while saying "after you." Other spots to press would be the back of the arm, just above the elbow (especially recommended if she is wearing short sleeves), or very softly and cautiously on the shoulder.
- Though it's nice to let the girl go first, don't make a big production of touching her every time you do this, or she'll start to think you're only being a good person so you can touch her, which shouldn't be the case.
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Lead the way. If you're about to go through a large crowd, hold out your hand so you can walk through the crowd without losing each other. This not only shows that you care about her, but it also shows that you can take the lead. Once you're out of the crowd, you can continue holding her hand if she seems interested.
- Holding hands is a big step for a lot of girls. If she's not into that right away, don't be too discouraged. She might be waiting to be your girlfriend before you really hold hands, especially in public.

Part 3

Part 3 of 5:

Finding Excuses to Touch Her

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Brush something off of her face or hair. It's not uncommon to see a loose eyelash on someone's face. If you see one, tell her, "Hold still. You have hair on your face. Let me get it off." Pull it off her face very gently. Don't apply too much pressure, especially if she's wearing make-up. Do the same thing if you see something in her hair like a piece of lint or a ball of dust.
- Obviously, don't stare at her face all night until you finally see an eyelash there. But if you do see one, great.
- You can also lie. Say that she has something in her hair, even if she doesn't actually have anything there, and break the touch barrier this way.
- Don't brush any food off her face. Saying "Wait, you have a little chunk of bacon on your chin" is just not hot.
2
Compliment her jewelry or nail polish.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} Does she have a different ring, a new haircut or a different nail color? Acknowledge it verbally ("That's a pretty ring" or "Did you get a new nail color?"). Hold out your hand, palm up, and ask if you can look closer. Inspect whatever is different, and ask a question or make a positive comment. If she has a nice earring, hold it up in your hand and say how pretty it is. But you should only try this move if you've already touched her -- reaching for the face is pretty intimate.
- While you're doing all of this, get a feel for how she responds to having her hand in yours. After she has responded to your comment or question, briefly rub her hand with your thumb gently and let it go. Smile and quickly move on, but be careful not to appear creepy.
3
Keep her warm. If it's chilly outside and you notice that she's cold or shivering, offer her your coat. Put it around her. Depending on how comfortable she feels around you, you might take your hands and brush them briskly on her upper arms to generate a little heat. If you notice that her hands are cold, tell her to give you her hands and put them together (palm to palm). Put your hands around hers and rub them softly, but quickly to warm her hands up.
- If you're feeling daring, bring her hands up to your mouth and blow a little warm air on them. However, make sure your breath doesn't stink.
4
Be playful. If you're teasing each other, it's okay to give each other gentle shoves, pats on the arm, or playful touches on the shoulder. If you're flirting with each other, then it's natural for you to touch each other, as long as you're both doing the touching. She may even end up touching you more than you touch her. If you're both in a fun-loving and flirtatious mood, then it's okay to touch her this way.
- Being playful is perfect if you're both doing it. But if you notice that you're the one touching her and she doesn't reciprocate, back off.
5
Make a bolder move. If she responded positively to all of the above, make your next move (or risk forever being trapped in the friend zone. Ouch.). That could be putting your arm around her shoulder or waist, or holding her hand. The back of the neck and the small of the back are two sensitive areas too.
6
Notice when she's not interested. If she isn't responding positively to these actions, simply back away. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested. She could just be in a bad mood or feeling tired.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} However, if you've tried this more than once and get the same response, she likely isn't interested in being touched by you.

Part 4

Part 4 of 5:

Touching Her During Physical Activity

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Dance. Any kind of partner dancing, such as salsa, tango or swing can be a good way to break the touch barrier. Keep in mind, however, that just because she seems to be having a good time dancing with you doesn't necessarily mean she likes you off the dance floor. It's certainly a start though.
2
Go ice skating. Ice skating is a great activity for casual physical contact. You can hold her hand to help keep her from falling if she isn't quite getting the hang of it, or to help each other skate backwards. In the cold environment, you may also have the opportunity to help her keep warm with a hug or encircling her with your jacket.
3
Play tennis. Have her as your doubles partner. There will be plenty of opportunities to high-five and playfully touch her after a good shot. At the end, you can also touch her back or shoulders and say it was a great game. Just remember that she'll be conscious of sweating a little bit and may not want to be touched so much during or after the game.
4
Try any activity where the equipment requires you to hold her from behind. For example, riding tandem on a motorcycle, sitting on an inner tube or sled going down a snow hill, parachute jumping in tandem, etc. Go mini-golfing together if you know how to hold a golf club. There are plenty of sporting opportunities for this closeness to be imposed on both of you!

Part 5

Part 5 of 5:

Knowing What Not to Do

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Don't give an unwanted massage. Don't approach a girl and give her a shoulder massage for no reason. If she tells you she's sore, rubs her own shoulders, or even asks for a massage, then that's one thing. But if you just come up to her in the middle of the day or try to give her a massage the second you're alone together, that will quickly send the wrong message.
- If she tenses up instead of relaxing as soon as you give her a massage, then you've already gone too far.
2
Don't grab her. Avoid grabbing any part of her arm with your hand and pulling her to come somewhere with you. At best, this can be interpreted as annoying. At worst, it can come off as an aggressive attempt to yank her around.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.} Generally, any kind of pulling or tugging might be interpreted as immature or pushy.
- There's a difference between playfully pulling each other in the direction you want to go and actually grabbing the girl in a way that feels violent and inappropriate.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What shouldn't I do when I touch a girl?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

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Avoid being rough with her or touching her if she doesn't seem interested since it could make her feel uncomfortable.
Question

How do I know if a girl wants me to touch her?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

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Watch her body language to see if she's interested in you. If she's sitting close to you, staring into your eyes, or even touching you lightly, she may want you to touch her.
Question

What’s the best way to touch your girlfriend romantically?

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That depends a lot on what’s comfortable for both of you. She might enjoy gentle caresses on her face and neck, or she might enjoy back rubs or having your arms around her waist. Experiment with different touches and ask what she likes or dislikes.

Warnings

Don't go anywhere near her private areas, because this will creep her out.

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Some women are uncomfortable with being touched until you enter into a relationship. If you are at all interested in seeing her again, take it easy and move slow or you will scare her off.

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Different cultures have different degrees of receptiveness to physical contact. In Korea, holding hands and hugging are usually for people in relationships, and kissing her in public is likely to make the girl feel uncomfortable, as well as others. However, doing the same thing in Latin America is taken for granted. In Bulgaria, giving a girl a goodbye hug is just as normal as shaking hands in other places. Know the cultural context and respond accordingly.

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Don't overdo it! Some girls will find over-the-top chivalry annoying and perhaps even rude!

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If she "brushes" off the area you just touched, that may be a sign that she thinks you are dirty or are being too rough. For example, if you playfully touch her arm, then right afterwards she scratches, rubs or otherwise "wipes off" that area, watch out. She either thinks you are dirty or she isn't interested. Maybe try it again later if you think it is just a coincidence, but if this girl does it repeatedly, back off for a little while.

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Note that some people are very affectionate with their friends. A girl might be all about cuddling with you and think she's just being friendly, while you feel like you're getting mixed signals.

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Shortly after initiating some form of physical contact, if she says that she has to go soon or needs to use the bathroom, then she may not have appreciated the gesture or found it uncomfortable. In some cases, she might be shy after having physical contact with you, so you have to be really sure before continuing into more intense physical contact.

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Try not to be too intense or persistent if she's giving dismissive vibes.

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Do not touch her affectionately if you are in her friend zone. For example, holding her hand is fine, while touching her face is more intimate and should be reserved for a girl you are in a relationship with.

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While you might think you're playing it safe and being respectful by not touching her unless she touches you first, you might end up in the friend zone, which is hard to escape. For many people, a big distinction between "friendship" and "relationship" is the way they touch each other. There are more platonic ways to touch someone. Learn to read body language and if you see a signal in her body language or expression telling you to back off, then respect her boundaries and her feelings by refraining from making further contact.

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