How to Set Boundaries for Being Friends with an Ex

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 30, 2022 References

Ending a relationship with someone you care about can be tough, so wanting to be friends with them is totally natural. A lot of people will tell you that staying friends with an ex is impossible, but with a little preparation and honesty, you can do it! Keep reading to learn how you can set clear boundaries and maintain a platonic relationship with your ex-partner.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

1

Take some time for yourself first.

Jumping into a friendship straight away probably won’t work. If you just broke up with your ex, you probably still have a lot of feelings surrounding them (both positive and negative). Try going no-contact for a while, and give yourself a bit of time to heal.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Even if you were the one who broke up with them, giving yourself some time will benefit you both in the long-run.^{[2]
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- There’s no set timeline for how long you should take a break from your ex, but in general, a few weeks or a few months is probably fine.
- If you still have feelings for your ex, trying to maintain a friendship probably isn’t a good idea. Wait until you’ve fully moved on before you try a platonic relationship.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}
- Make sure that you're only seeking out a friendship, not trying to win your ex back.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}

2

Forgive your ex if you’re mad at them.

You can’t be friends with someone if you’re holding a grudge. If your ex did something to make you angry, look into your heart and see if you can forgive them. Not everything is forgivable, so if you decide you can’t do that, then you may be better off staying exes instead of trying to be friends.^{[5]
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- It’s much easier to stay friends with your ex when things ended amicably. If there are no hard feelings from either party, you’re very likely to have a fun friendship ahead of you!

3

Avoid any flirting.

Even if it seems harmless, it can really mess up your friendship.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} When you and your ex are together, keep things strictly platonic, and treat them like you would a good friend. Don’t touch them on the arm, don’t say anything suggestive, and definitely don’t give them any compliments on their physical appearance.^{[7]
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- You might think that you’d never flirt with your ex again, but you’d be surprised! It’s really easy to fall back into old habits, especially if the breakup was pretty recent.

4

Don’t try a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Hooking up with your ex is almost never a good idea. If you want to stay friends with your ex, don’t hook up with them, even if you think you can keep the rest of the relationship platonic.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} It might sound tempting, but avoid making out or having sex with your ex unless you get back together as a couple.^{[9]
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- Friends with benefits relationships can work, but usually only with people you’ve never had feelings for. There’s a good chance that having sex with your ex will bring up old emotions for one or both of you, which can muddy the waters.

5

Hang out in a group.

Segue into hanging out again by going out with friends. It can be a little intimidating to meet with your ex one-on-one, especially for the first time. When you first start hanging again, invite your ex to go out with you and your pals. Or, if you have mutual friends, you can all meet up for one big group hang to try things out.^{[10]
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- A lot of people recommend never hanging out with your ex one-on-one again—this is a great way to keep boundaries clear, since you’ll never be put in a tempting or uncomfortable situation.

6

Bond over your common interests.

This is the main benefit of staying friends with your ex! If you aren’t sure what to do when you two hang out, try the fun activities you used to do together as a couple (as long as they aren’t romantic). Maybe you can nerd out together about a movie or TV show, or maybe you can go hiking in a group because you both really love nature.^{[11]
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- Think back to what drew you two together in the first place. Rekindling that bond can lead to a fun, fulfilling friendship that might even be stronger than your past relationship.

7

Make new memories.

Try not to dwell on what you two did in the past. Referencing your relationship once or twice is okay, but if you talk about it every time you see each other, boundaries can get a little muddy. Try not to reminisce about all the fun stuff you two used to do, and instead focus on having fun together now with your new friendship.^{[12]
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- You should also try not to dwell on the bad memories, either. Those may lead to resentment, and it can be tough to stay friends with someone that you’re angry at.

8

Explain your friendship to any new partners.

When you start dating again, new partners might feel a little weird about your friendship. Sit down with your partner and explain to them that you’re still friends with your ex, but you don’t have any feelings for them.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} You might mention how you’ve been able to keep things strictly platonic since your breakup, and you would never do anything to make your partner feel uncomfortable. Then, listen to any concerns they have, and try to make them feel a little more at-ease about the whole relationship.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}
- You might say something like, “Jessie and I used to date, but we broke up years ago. We figured out that we were better off as friends, and we’ve just been good buds ever since. I want to make sure you feel comfortable with our relationship, so let me know if I ever do anything out-of-bounds.”

9

Be mindful of your current partner’s feelings.

If your partner isn’t comfortable, you may have to reevaluate.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} Not everyone is okay with their significant other being friends with their ex, and that’s okay. They may have some ground rules they set (like no hanging out alone, no texting late at night), or they might ask you to stop seeing your ex all together. It’s important to listen to your partner’s feelings and explain that you’re just friends, and that you don’t have any feelings for each other anymore.^{[17]
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- Try something like, “I know it seems weird, but Marissa and I really are just friends. We only dated for a little while, and we were friends before. But if I ever do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, we can talk about it and figure out new boundaries.”
Expert Answer

Q

Is it a bad idea to be friends with your ex?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

EXPERT ADVICE

Answer from Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC:

Not necessarily, as long as there's plenty of communication. Follow the steps in this article to make sure that your ex understands what your boundaries are. Also, check in regularly with your current partner to make sure that your friendship with your ex isn't weighing on your current relationship.

10

Encourage your ex to get a new partner.

You might have to see your ex start dating someone else, and that’s okay. If you want to be friends with your ex, encourage them to get back out there, and be nice to any new partner of theirs that you meet. If you start feeling jealous or weird about your ex dating again, it might be best to take a step back from the relationship so you don’t get mixed up in your feelings again.^{[18]
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- If you do meet your ex’s new partner, it’s really important that you do your best to make them feel comfortable. It can be intimidating to meet your new partner’s ex, especially when they’re still friends.
- On the flip side, if you’re the one dating and your ex isn’t, you might not want to broadcast that fact. Moving on too quickly can lead to hurt feelings, which doesn’t foster a very loving friendship.

11

Say no to things you aren’t comfortable with.

If your ex is crossing your boundaries, you’re allowed to tell them no.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} Maybe they want to hang out one-on-one, or maybe they want to do a date-like activity. If anything starts feeling weird or you just aren’t comfortable talking with them, tell them that you need to take a step back.^{[20]
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- Say something like, “Since we aren’t dating anymore, I’m just not super comfortable with that. I hope you understand.”

12

End the friendship if it’s just not working.

Sometimes exes just can’t be friends, and that’s okay. If you start having feelings for your ex or they’re crossing any of your boundaries, you don’t have to keep this relationship going.^{[21]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} Let your ex know that you’re taking a break from the friendship for your own sake, and then consider going no-contact again for a while.^{[22]
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- You could say something like, “I’m not really sure being friends was the best idea for us. I’m getting a little confused about our relationship, and I think I’m gonna take a step back for now.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you set boundaries after a break-up?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

Be as direct as possible! Say something like, "I'm open to staying friends, but I'm going to cut this off if you try to push our relationship out of the friendzone."