How to Set Boundaries with a Bipolar Person

Co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: March 23, 2023 References

If you're a partner or friend of a person with bipolar, you know that it's a challenging medical condition. Their moods can swing unpredictably from high energy to depression, so it can be hard to navigate a relationship with them. Fortunately, with support and treatment, their moods can stabilize. Even so, setting up healthy boundaries and enforcing them will help you protect your own mental health.

1

Educate yourself about common bipolar symptoms.

Bipolar disorder is a biological condition known for mood swings.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} With bipolar I, a person may experience a depressive episode with fatigue, low energy, depression, and increased sleep. This can alternate with manic episodes where they have high energy, euphoria, and psychosis including grandiose or paranoid delusions, hallucinations, or irrational thoughts/speech. Bipolar is usually treated with psychotherapy and medication like mood stabilizers, antidepressants, or antipsychotics.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 January 2019.}
- If your partner or friend has bipolar II disorder, it means that they haven't had a manic episode and that their depressive episodes might last longer.

2

Create boundaries around how the person affects you.

If you feel upset, embarrassed, or uncomfortable it means you need healthy boundaries. Your bipolar partner or friend shouldn't make you feel anxious, low on energy, or depressed. If they do, pay attention to what triggers these uncomfortable feelings so you can tailor your boundaries to protect yourself.^{[3]
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- For instance, you might feel tense or sad if your partner is going through a depressive episode and has been ignoring you. You might feel worried or frightened if they're going through a manic episode and you're scared that they'll do something dangerous.

3

Set clear relationship boundaries.

Boundaries are rules or guidelines, not ultimatums. You may have been hesitant in the past to make boundaries, but think of them as ways to communicate your needs in the relationship. They're proactive things you can do, which can feel like quite a change if you're used to always reacting to the other person's mood. Here are a few examples of relationship boundaries:^{[4]
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- "My partner is not allowed to have access to the credit card when they're experiencing a compulsive, manic episode."
- "I will not tolerate verbal or physical abuse. I will also protect our kids from any form of abuse and will take them to a safe space if we don't feel safe."
- "We will set up a separate bedroom so my partner can use it during a manic phase and I can get a good night's sleep."^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.}
- "We will develop a regular routine based around exercise, therapy, regular sleep, and healthy eating in order to add some stability to our relationship."
- "I will reach out for professional help if I think that my partner is in a dangerous manic or manic-depressive state and might hurt themselves."^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 January 2019.}

4

Create specific emotional boundaries.

Come up with personal guidelines to protect your self-respect, space, and energy. You might feel like you're always putting the needs of the person with bipolar before your own. This isn't healthy for you and it's not good for your relationship. Consider setting up emotional or mental boundaries like:^{[7]
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- "I have the right to ask for alone time so I can process my feelings and get some space, especially when they're manic and want my full attention."
- "To protect my feelings, I will not tolerate yelling, ridiculing, or name-calling."
- "I will talk to my therapist if my partner's depressive mood makes me feel hopeless or makes it hard for me to function."
- "We'll check in with each other about how we're feeling at least once a week—even if they're in a depressive state and don't feel like talking."

5

Communicate your boundaries to the person.

Inform them of your feelings so they know why you have the boundaries. It's completely normal to feel nervous about discussing your boundaries, but you don't have to argue or over-explain. Simply tell them what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior and tell them why these boundaries are important to you.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.}
- Try to be respectful as you share your boundaries but make it clear that the boundaries are there to protect you.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
  Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director
  Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.}
- For instance, you might say, "I need you to answer your phone when you're experiencing a manic episode. It's important that I know you're safe, so I won't worry about you constantly."

6

Be calm and strong when you talk about your boundaries.

Wait until your partner or friend is relatively well to share your boundaries. This way, they won't feel defensive or under attack while they're having an episode. Try to keep your tone considerate and gracious so they're more likely to listen to what you're saying.^{[10]
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- For instance, instead of saying, "You always make me feel terrible when you yell and storm off, so you need to let me know when you need space," say, "I feel really upset if you storm off, so I need you to just tell me when you need some space."
- If they start pushing back against the boundaries, firmly repeat them and why you have them in place. Don't back down or they'll ignore your needs.
- If either of you starts to get emotional or argumentative, take a break. Then, wait to have the conversation until you're calm.

7

Enforce your boundaries if they don’t respect them.

Show the person that you're committed to your wellbeing. If they don't respect your requests, be assertive and speak up again. You might say, "I need you to know that your sarcasm hurts." Then, you can withdraw or suspend privileges. For instance, say, "Let's take a break until we can both respect each other's needs."^{[11]
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- Let them know why you're enforcing boundaries. For example, if you struggle with them being unpredictable during a manic phase and they expect you to drop everything to hang out, tell them, "I need more notice, so that doesn't really work for me."
- Think of your boundaries as constructive opportunities. Every time you stand up for yourself, you tell the other person what is acceptable behavior.
- If your relationship continues to worsen and you don't feel comfortable or safe around the person, make it clear that things have to change before you see them again. You could say, "You haven't attempted to respect my wishes and I'm scared when I'm around you. You're no longer welcome here."

8

Acknowledge their efforts to respect your boundaries.

Everyone responds better to praise than criticism. If you can tell that they're trying to change their behavior, let them know that you appreciate it. You might say something like, "I know it's hard for you to be around other people when you're feeling down, but I want to say thank you for telling me when you need space."^{[12]
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- Reassuring the person lets them know that they're improving and that you notice their hard work.
- It's really easy for resentment to build up in bipolar relationships. By giving regular praise you'll train yourself to focus on the positive and the other person will feel valued.

9

Keep the lines of communication open.

Share your concerns and listen to theirs on a regular basis. If you two are in the habit of openly communicating, it will be a lot easier to talk about your relationship. For instance, you should be able to ask how they're feeling whether they're well or experiencing an episode. Then, give them your full attention when they share how they're doing. If challenges come up, you'll both be more comfortable addressing them.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If it's been a while since you two really talked, you might say, "Hey, we haven't really gotten to sit down and talk lately. I really want to know how you're doing."

10

Keep your expectations realistic.

It's up to the person with bipolar disorder to seek help for themselves. As a partner or friend, this can be really challenging to come to terms with. However, there's only so much you can do to help them manage their mental health. They may not even want to acknowledge that they have bipolar disorder. What you can do is offer them a level of support when they need it.^{[14]
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- You'll have an easier time interacting with the person if you don't try to fix them. Remember, bipolar disorder is a medical condition with challenging symptoms, but you can still have a rich and meaningful relationship.

11

Don’t take their bipolar symptoms personally.

They may say something hurtful when they're going through an episode. You may have noticed that they don't act like themselves when they're manic or experiencing a depressive phase. It's not uncommon for someone with bipolar disorder to say something hurtful. If this happens to you, remind yourself that it's the disorder causing the person to say it although this doesn't mean they're not responsible for their actions. You are still entitled to respect or an apology for instance.^{[15]
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- If they frequently lash out or say mean things during an episode, try to put some space between the two of you. When they're relatively well, you can let them know how their behavior made you feel.
- Dealing with these challenging behaviors can be tough. It can really help your mental health to talk with a therapist about how you're doing. If this isn't possible, even talking with close friends or family can offer you some much-needed support.

12

Seek the help of a couples counselor to better your relationship.

A licensed therapist can help you work through your relationship issues.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} If you feel like it's hard to communicate your needs to your partner, try to get them to go to couples counseling with you. Sometimes, having a third party mediate when you're sharing emotions can make it easier to work through tough issues. They can also help both of you manage stress, which can alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder.^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- A counselor can help you both start to understand what the other person is feeling and can help you both develop communication tools.
- For example, a counselor can teach both of you relaxation techniques like meditation, breathing exercises, and visualization exercises.

13

Talk with a therapist if you're struggling with your mental health.

Supporting someone with bipolar disorder can be hard at times. If you're feeling like it's taking a toll on your daily life or you'd like help working through your relationship, talk to your psychiatrist or psychologist.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 29 December 2020.} They can also help you construct healthy boundaries.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
- Check out community support groups in your area or online. These can put you in touch with other people who are experiencing similar challenges.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you tell if someone is bipolar?

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

Catherine Boswell, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Some primary symptoms of bipolar disorder are mood instability and fluctuating levels of activity and energy. Like all psychological diagnoses, it is on a spectrum that ranges from minor mood instability to major problems that can interrupt one’s ability to manage relationships, at home and professionally. The mood swings can go from very down and apathetic (depressed) to feelings of mania - very “up” energetic, elated, “wired.” Some people cycle more rapidly, from feelings of fatigue and depression to feelings of intense physical and psychic energy.