What Can You Do When a Loved One with Bipolar Shuts You Out?

The dos and don’ts of supporting someone with bipolar disorder

Written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW | Edited by Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

It’s hard watching a loved one with bipolar disorder struggle, and it’s even harder when they slowly push you away. Bipolar disorder is a challenging mental illness that can affect a person’s mood and behavior. If you know someone who has bipolar disorder, there’s a good chance that they’ve tried to distance themselves at one point or another. But what does this mean, and how can you continue to support them from afar? In this article, we’ve compiled a list of proven ways to help someone with bipolar disorder so they don’t feel alone.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical therapist and adjunct professor, Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling Services. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

Show your loved one support by letting them know you’ll be there for them no matter what.
Be a listening ear for them to vent their frustrations, and avoid giving advice unless they ask for it.
Help them make it to therapy appointments on time, so they can work through manic or depressive episodes.

1

Check in on them.

Let them know you’re always available to chat. One of the best things you can do when someone with bipolar disorder pushes you away is to remind them that you love them regardless. A simple “How was your day?” or “Is there anything I can do?” text can make a world of a difference.
- They may push you away because they don’t want to burden you with their problems, and offering emotional support lets them know they haven’t lost a friend.^{[1]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- People with bipolar disorder also hyper-fixate on activities or tasks.^{[2]
  X
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  MedlinePlus
  Collection of medical information sourced from the US National Library of Medicine
  Go to source} A quick check-in can help them refocus and detach from the activity for a brief moment.

2

Respect their boundaries.

Be considerate if they ask for space. A person with bipolar disorder may distance themselves when they’re feeling overwhelmed. They can go through many emotions quickly, and setting boundaries can help them process them. If you want to show your support, respect their wants and needs.^{[3]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- This can be as simple as leaving them alone for a few hours or understanding how they like to communicate.
- Remember to set your own boundaries too.

3

Be patient.

Understand that navigating bipolar disorder takes time. There’s no “cure” for bipolar disorder, and getting better doesn’t happen overnight. The illness can be heavy for everyone, so try to stay calm when you can. Managing bipolar disorder is a lifelong process, but you can help ease your loved one’s worries with patient support.^{[4]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Manic and depressed moods can last for weeks or months, so take a deep breath do what you can to help.
- Because of bipolar disease, your love one is in a constant state of distress, discomfort, or frustration. Having patience with their mood swings and episodes can be enough to ease their anxieties and give them one less thing to worry about.

4

Give words of encouragement.

Acknowledge that you understand their behavior isn’t their fault. Someone with bipolar disorder may shut others out because they’re afraid they won’t be understood. Squash these fears with reassuring words to let them know that you love them no matter what. Try saying something like:^{[5]
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Go to source}
- “You’re not alone. I’m here for you.”
- “I understand that your illness is giving you these thoughts and feelings.”
- “I may not know exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to support you.”
- “You’re important to me. No matter what.”

5

Be consistent.

Remain a constant presence in their life regardless. Life with bipolar disorder is tough and can be taxing on both the individual and their loved ones. When things get difficult, it’s important to stay consistent in how you handle the situation. Treat them as you normally would and stick to your regular routine, no matter what.^{[6]
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National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
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- Keep in mind that your loved one may not have the power to control their manic or depressive episodes.
- Reality and fantasy can blur together when someone’s bipolar, and having a regular schedule gives them something to rely on.
- Think of your consistency as a rope and bipolar disorder as a hole. Your loved one may find themselves falling farther and farther, but your consistency can help tether them to what matters most.

6

Listen actively.

Take time to understand what they need. It can be difficult for someone with bipolar disorder to express their feelings, so it’s important to always listen. Practice active listening when you’re with them. This way, you’ll know exactly how to support and love them.^{[7]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- Providing a safe, comforting, and supportive environment your loved one can turn to for help is especially important when navigating bipolar disorder.
- When it’s your turn to speak, use supportive phrases like, “You’re not alone in this. I’m here for you,” and “That sounds terrible. You don’t have to go through this alone. How can I best support you and help?”^{[8]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}

7

Skip the advice.

Do your best to avoid “fixing” their problems. When someone with bipolar disorder confides in you, they’re not looking for advice; they’re looking for support. They may be confused, upset, or over stimulated, and giving unsolicited advice could trigger their symptoms more. So, only offer your opinion if they ask for it.^{[9]
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National Alliance on Mental Illness
Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness
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- Along with this, avoid being judgemental.^{[10]
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  Mind
  U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
  Go to source} Right now, they need support, not criticism.
- Avoid phrases like, “We all have mood swings sometimes,” “You’re acting crazy,” and “I’ve felt the same way.” These could be triggering for someone with a mental illness, as they can make them feel small rather than empowered.

8

Be empathetic.

Take time to understand their feelings. Whether you have a bipolar friend, partner, or family member, recognizing why they may be pushing you away is important. Know that they’re likely not ignoring you because of something you did but because they’re working through their own confusing thoughts.^{[11]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
Go to source}
- Focus on supporting what they’re feeling in the moment rather than challenging their reality.
- Research bipolar disorder in your free time to learn more about their behavior.^{[12]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Understand that their manic and depressive episodes are more intense than everyday anxiety or sadness.
- Keep in mind that bipolar is an umbrella term and that many different subtypes come with their own challenges.

9

Help them find treatment.

Offer to bring them to a therapist or counselor. If you notice your loved one struggling, mention that you’d be more than willing to help them find someone they can talk to. Navigating bipolar disorder can be hard, and they don’t have to be alone.^{[13]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- If your child has bipolar disorder, consider taking them to therapy sessions after school to make it a part of your routine.
- If your friend or partner is struggling, offer to pick them up on a specific day each week or month to bring them to therapy—making a fun day out of it.
- Help them sign up for online therapy through Better Help or Talk Space if in-person treatment is too stimulating.
- Avoid pushing any treatment on them. Instead, keep the option open, so it’s there when they're ready.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do if a bipolar partner pushes you away?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

First and foremost, make sure that aren't suicidal—if that's the case, it's important to take action and call 911 so they can go to a hospital. If the situation isn't dire, just make sure to give them space and let them know that you're there for them if they need you.