How Often Should I Text Her? Common Mistakes to Avoid

Helping you answer the universal question: Should I text her, or wait for her to text me?

Written by Kristina Mirgorodskaya | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 23, 2023

Reasons to Text Her

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How often should I text her?

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When should I text her?

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Keeping Her Interested

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Mistakes to Avoid

So, you met a girl you like, and you’ve got her number—congrats! But whether you matched on a dating app, met through mutual friends, have already gone on a few dates, or none of the above, figuring out when to text her can leave you scratching your head. While the internet certainly has its fair share of texting “rules,” there are no specific guidelines you absolutely have to follow when it comes to messaging her (although there are a few she might appreciate you sticking to). Keep reading to help you decide whether or not to send that text right now.

This article is based on an interview with our dating coach, Kristina Mirgorodskaya. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

If you’ve just matched on a dating app, text her to break the ice and let her know you’re interested.
Or, send her a message asking her out again if you’ve already gone on a date together.
Try to text her 2 to 3 times per week if you’re casually dating.

Section 1 of 5:

Reasons to Text Her

1
You met on a dating app. With dating apps, texting “rules” are a little looser—while it’s generally a good idea to save the getting-to-know-you part of dating for in person hangs, on a dating app, you might use texting as your first date, so to speak. If you’re worried about texting a match from Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, or any other app, don’t be—your potential date probably wants to text a bit before meeting up.
- In general, you might want to text for 1 to 2 days before asking her to meet up in person.
- Send her a flirty-yet-casual opener, like “Hey, it’s Josh! So glad I could grab your number. What are you up to this week?”
2
You know her a little already. Is she a mutual friend that you met at a party? Or, maybe she’s your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister that you’ve known for a couple of years. If you two have a connection already (meaning she’s not a stranger you got a number from at the bar), feel free to message her whenever.
- If it’s your first time texting a girl you like, say something like, “Hey, it’s Jason! So glad I finally got your number.”
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3
You had a great first date. You may have heard about the 3-day rule, or the guideline that a guy is supposed to wait 3 days after a date to text a girl. Well, rest assured that this rule is not a rule anymore! If you had an awesome time hanging out with her, feel free to text her the very next day and tell her how much fun you had.^{[1]
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- Instead of a simple “Hey,” try referencing something fun that happened on the date. For instance, if you both ate a little too much last night, you might say, “I can’t believe I’m still full this morning, but I guess eating 2 plates of pasta will do that to you.”
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You’re making plans to see her again. Texting is a great way to set up second or third dates. If you want to text her because you want to see her again, there’s no time like the present! Have an activity in mind, then ask if she’s available.^{[2]
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- “Hey, I was thinking of seeing that new Marvel movie on Saturday. Want to join me?”
- “Are you free this weekend? I’d love to take you out to dinner on Friday.”

Section 2 of 5:

How often should I text her?

Text her 2 to 3 times per week if you’re casually dating. Texting someone too much can be a thing, especially if you two haven’t been dating long. If the relationship is fresh (or it’s not quite a relationship yet), keep things casual by texting her a couple times per week. This shows that you’re interested, but it won’t overwhelm her, either.
- It might sound strange to limit your messages, but texting too much can actually be detrimental for budding relationships.

Section 3 of 5:

When should I text her?

Text her during the day so she doesn't think you just want a hookup. The timing of your text message matters, too. If you send her a message at 3 AM, it’s likely that she’ll assume you’re only looking for a booty call. If you want to build a real relationship with this girl, save your texts until the morning so she knows you’re legit.^{[3]
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Section 4 of 5:

Keeping Her Interested

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Keep your messages light and playful. A text message is not the place to be sincere and serious. Instead, think about being flirtatious and fun with every message you send. Not only will this build the chemistry between you two, but it will show off your sense of humor as well.
- “If I were to take you on a date, where would you want to go?”
- “Pineapple on pizza: yes or no?”
2
Talk about a common interest or inside joke. Instead of leading with “Hi,” or “What’s up?” (which aren’t stellar conversation starters), ask her about a common interest you two share or remind her of something funny that happened. This will strengthen the bond between you two and let her know that you’re a great conversationalist.
- “I saw that Tame Impala was touring! We should totally get tickets when they come to town.”
- “Just remembered how bad I fumbled the name of that wine when ordering last week. I need to brush up on my French.”
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Save deeper conversations for when you’re in person. When you just start seeing someone, there’s a lot you don’t know about them. It’s totally fine to ask about their favorite food or TV show over text, but save other convos (like their hopes and dreams) for when you’re face to face. Having deep conversations in person brings you two closer together while also showing how genuine you are. Try some lighthearted conversation starters like:
- “Cats or dogs?”
- “Is a hot dog a sandwich?”
- “What’s the best country you’ve ever traveled to?”

Section 5 of 5:

Mistakes to Avoid

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Text her again if she doesn’t respond. Have you ever opened a text, then got completely distracted and forgot to reply? If she doesn’t respond right away, wait a full day and then try again. It’s likely she just got busy with other stuff and forgot.
- If her not responding becomes a pattern, though, it might be a hint that she’s not interested. Don’t take it personally, and just move on to someone else.
2
Send one message at a time instead of double texting. In general, your messages to each other should be about a 1:1 ratio. Double texting on occasion is okay, but sending her too many messages in a row can be off-putting.^{[4]
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Match her texting energy. Does she send you 5 rapid-fire texts in a row, or are they all about an hour apart? Does she send you paragraph-length messages, or are they short, one-word answers? Whatever her style is, try to match it with your own messages. That way, you won’t feel like you’re putting in too much or too little effort with her.
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Focus on meeting up in person. Whenever you two are texting, keep your main goal in mind. You want to suggest fun activities and see when she’s free so that you two can go out again. Texting is okay, but it’s tough to build a healthy relationship when you’re only communicating via a screen.
- How often you two see each other is totally up to you two, but in general, try to aim for about once a week.