How to Show a Girl That You Like Her Without Being Obvious

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: September 11, 2022 References

The sting of rejection. Sparing her the discomfort of having to turn you down. Scaring her off with a move that is way too bold. All of these are good reasons to be subtle when you want to let a girl know that you like her. Thankfully, you can give her the clue without stepping out of bounds. By knowing how to flirt, speaking through actions instead of words, and knowing when to back off, you can put the idea out there without making things uncomfortable for either of you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Flirting Subtly

1
Open with something casual. Don’t overthink it and try to be too deep or clever. Just show her that find her interesting enough to talk to. Start the same sort of conversation that you would with anybody else. Use whatever situation that you find yourself in to pick a starting point, For instance, you could:^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Request a small favor, like: “Hey, could you show me your laptop? I’m looking for a new one,” or “What just happened onscreen? I looked away for one second and missed it.”
- Ask her about something relevant. For example: “What did you think of that band that just played?” or “I like those patches on your bag. Where’d you get them?”
- Make a simple comment about whatever, like: “I don’t know about you, but I think I’m freezing in here,” or “That had to be the most ridiculous fight I’ve ever seen.”
2
Listen actively. Being a good listener is important in relationships. Active listening can help you to grasp more of what someone is saying while also making the person feel like you are listening closely.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Try to practice active listening whenever she is talking. Some things you can do include:^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Making eye contact and facing her. Don’t look at your phone or glance around the room when she is talking.
- Nodding and making neutral statements, such as “yes,” “uh-huh,” “I see,” and “go on.”
- Asking probing questions to keep her talking and show interest, such as “What happened next?” “How did you feel?” and “What are you going to do now?”
- Clarifying what she says when necessary, such as by saying, "It seems like you are saying ____. Is that right?" Or, "What do you mean when you say ____?"
Advertisement
3
Follow her lead. Once the conversation gets rolling, let her steer it. Respond to what she says. Follow up with questions to learn more about her. Show her that you are genuinely interested in her.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- When she tells a story, ask her what happened next. Or, back up and ask for a little more backstory to this or that plot point.
- When she shares an opinion, ask her what led her to form that opinion.
- Share your own stories and opinions, but be sure to tie them back to what she last said. For example, if she was talking about how she’s scared of the ocean, don’t brag about that time you successfully fought off a great white shark! Instead, use that story to show that you understand her fright.
4
Be honest.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Don’t try to pretend to be to the person that you think she wants. Don’t adopt your friends’ tactics, either, if they go against your own personality. Remember: just because one tactic works for one person doesn’t mean it will work for you. Instead, impress her with who you really are.^{[6]
X
Research source} Don’t make her feel tricked later on.
- Don’t fake interest in stuff that you couldn’t care less about. For instance, don’t pretend to love football just because you’re at a Super Bowl party.
- If you aren’t ready to share this or that part of yourself just yet, leave it unmentioned. For example, if you feel embarrassed about writing poetry, don’t tell her that you think poetry is stupid.
5
Create an air of intimacy. Don’t take “intimacy” to mean “romance.” Instead, simply try to forge a connection that she can’t replicate with someone else. Make her feel special by building a private language between the two of you. Use elements from your surroundings and your conversation. For example:^{[7]
X
Research source}
6
Christen her with a new nickname.^{[8]
X
Research source} Start calling her “Hermione” every so often if she shares a whole lot of facts and useful tidbits. Try “Furiosa” if she loves cars, shaves her head, or drives aggressively. Call her “Slick” if she trips. But make sure she finds it funny, and quit it if she doesn’t.
7
Create inside jokes. Poke fun at your surroundings, other people, or even yourselves.^{[9]
X
Research source} For example, say you both met someone whose name sounds like an action hero’s name. In the future, whenever the two of you have a flat tire or get lost, cry, “Jack Gunner, please save us!”
8
“Confide” in her. Make an act of sharing a “secret” with her, even though it’s not something that you really hide. Again, say you’re at a Super Bowl party but hate football. Make a show of hushing your voice and whispering your confession. Make her feel as though the two of you share something special, even though you both know it’s a joke.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing Her Through Actions

1
Include her in your plans.^{[10]
X
Research source} Show her that you think a good time is always a better time when she is part of it. Invite her along whenever you plan to go out. Make her feel part of the group if you are going with other friends, or make her feel special by suggesting that the two of you hang out one-on-one.
- You can also try to relate the conversation back to her from time to time. For example, you might say something like, "Hey Ted, did you know that Karen is into that new video game you got too? She's already on level 5!"
2
Give her time to plan if needed. If you’re going to an event (like a concert or movie) that requires tickets or travel or permission from her parents, give her plenty of notice. Don’t wait until the last minute. Show her that you’re thinking about her needs. For example: “Hey, me and my friends are thinking about going to see the Rock’s new movie up at that theater in Brockport next Friday. You interested?”
3
Buy her a ticket anyway. If you only made your plans at the last minute, consider surprising her with a ticket. Only do this if you can afford it, or if you know someone else who can use the ticket as a Plan B if she can’t go. Then offer it to her casually: “Hey, I was online last night buying tickets. The show was selling out fast, but it was too late to call you, so I just bought you one in case you want it. No biggie if you don’t.”
4
Look her in the eyes.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Don’t stare off at something else when the two of you are talking. Demonstrate your interest in her by giving her your direct attention. Make strong eye-contact when you are together.^{[12]
X
Research source} At the same time, don’t just stare at her without blinking, which might make her uncomfortable. Instead:
- Look her in the eye when she is speaking to show her that she has your attention.
- When it’s your turn to speak, shift your gaze to something else. Gather your thoughts before you respond.
- When you’re ready to speak, look her in the eye again.
- By doing this she will feel that you are drawn back to her face again and again. This is much more flattering than being stared at.
5
Make physical contact. Create a deeper sense of intimacy between the two of you by touching her. Remember, though: be respectful about it.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} Start by simply standing closer to her, so that you could easily touch without having to reach. If she seems fine with you standing in her personal space, make light, casual touches as you talk. For example:^{[14]
X
Research source}!
- If you’re in a crowded space, lean into her when people brush by, then joke about it: “Dang, I’m starting to wish I brought my mints!”
- Touch her elbow, hand, or shoulder whenever something new occurs to you: “Oh! Hey! I forgot to tell you . . .”
- Nudge her sides or her elbow with your own to underscore a point or tease her: “I bet that one shot of Ewan McGregor’s butt was your favorite part of the movie, eh?”
6
Embrace her. Once the two of you are used to making playful physical contact, step it up! Add hugs or even light kisses to the mix. Even though this might seem like crossing the line between “subtle” and “obvious,” don’t back down. As long as she's receptive, show her that you care with more direct signs of affection.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- When she’s upset, draw her into a one-armed hug around her shoulders. Give her a polite peck on the top of her head.
- If you haven’t seen each other in a while, throw your arms open for a hug. Greet her with, “There she is!” Or, just put on an act as if you haven’t seen each other in forever and do the same thing, even if it’s only been ten minutes.
- If she has made a point of dressing up (or even if she hasn’t), take her hand. Bow, give her a gentlemanly kiss on the top of her hand, and tell her how smashing she looks.
- Quit saying goodbye at night’s end and just give her a hug instead.
7
Support her interests. Attend events that she is participating in, such as sports games, plays, concerts, recitals, etc. Forward her links to posts, stories, and memes that you think she would like. “Like” her comments, links, and posts on social media. Don’t go overboard on this last one, though. Avoid making her think that you’re just liking everything for the sake of it.^{[16]
X
Research source}
8
Follow her recommendations. When she tells you that you should check out this or that band, show, book, or whatever, give it a chance. Show her that you value her opinion. At the same time, use this opportunity to learn more about what she likes so you have that much more to talk about.^{[17]
X
Research source} However, don’t take this to mean that you have to like whatever she likes. Speak from the gut, be your own person, and share your honest opinions.^{[18]
X
Research source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Backing Off from Coming on Too Strongly

1
Show her an appropriate amount of attention. Remember: even though you may want her to become your girlfriend, you aren’t there yet. For now, show her the same amount of attention that you would to any other girl or friend. Value quality over quantity when it comes to hanging out.^{[19]
X
Research source}
2
Go easy on the gifts. Only give her presents when it is appropriate, like her birthday and holidays. Make the most of these occasions by using inside jokes and knowledge to find her a gift that she will really love and appreciate. Don’t go overboard and smother her with flowers every Friday and chocolates every Monday.^{[20]
X
Research source}
3
Don’t show up out of nowhere. Always arrange to hang out ahead of time. Don’t make her feel backed into a corner by just showing up on her doorstep.^{[21]
X
Research source} Only surprise her by showing up unannounced if you’re part of a larger audience, like at a concert or play that she is performing in.
4
Keep active elsewhere. Make it clear that she has to fit herself into your schedule. Don’t tip your hand by putting your friends, family, and other interests on the backburner. If you already have plans with someone else, stick to it.^{[22]
X
Research source}
5
Match the length of her messages. Note how much she wrote whenever she texts, messages, or emails you. When you write back, limit yourself to the same length, or even shorter. Resist the urge to outdo her and write a novel. Instead, keep it to a simple back-and-forth so she doesn’t feel overburdened by keeping up with you.^{[23]
X
Research source}
- Also take note of how often she messages you. Stick to the same level of frequency.
- Text, call, or email her at random to show her that she is on your mind.^{[24]
  X
  Research source} But don’t do it so much that you come across as obsessed or needy.
6
Be patient when waiting for replies. Remember that she has other stuff going on in her life. Take a breath and relax. Give her time to text or call you back, even if it takes a few hours, or even a couple days. Show her that you respect the fact that other things require her attention.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- Don’t badger her by following up with a second call or message just to see if she got your first one.
- If she never gets back to you before you bump into each other again, let it go unmentioned.
- Remember, calling her out on not calling you back will only hurt your chances in the end.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I hint to a girl that I like her without talking to her?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Try to maintain eye contact with her if she looks over at you and then smile. If she starts talking to you, lean in closer so she knows that you're interested.
Question

How do you take advantage of the situation when her friends have told you that she likes you?

Community Answer

It seems that her friends have taken the guesswork out of it for you, which is great for you. You’ve got the green light, so go for it if you like her too. Make her feel special by being interested in who she is and spending time with her. Ask her on a date if you’re ready to make it more official.
Question

How do you get the courage to tell her that you like her?

Community Answer

Work your way up to it by just starting a regular conversation. Gain confidence by making her laugh and enjoy herself while talking with you.