How to Stop Arguing With Your Boyfriend

Last Updated: October 10, 2022 References Approved

Conflict is to be part of nearly every relationship, but sometimes it can push things into a state where there seems to be less love and more pain. Changing how we deal with disagreements can make a big difference. Learning to be more open, accepting, and understanding towards yourself and your boyfriend takes time, but is an important step towards improving your connection.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Changing How You Approach Arguments

1
Use "I" statements to express your feelings. This allows you to explain your thoughts without blaming your boyfriend. It minimizes the risk of them feeling defensive, which helps you keep the lines of communication open and flowing.
- You could say, "I feel like I'm always the 1 who initiates our texts," rather than, "You never text me first."
2
Let your boyfriend have his say, uninterrupted. Invite him to give his side of things, and listen to him as he speaks. Resist the urge to interrupt him, even if what he says bothers you. If you need clarification, ask questions in a neutral tone.

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3
Maintain receptive body language. Non-verbal communication is very important. Sit or stand with your shoulders and knees facing your boyfriend to let him know you're listening to him. Avoid arm-crossing, toe-tapping, and eye-rolling.^{[1]
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- Touch your boyfriend. Maintaining contact will help keep you grounded in each other despite your differences of opinion. Sometimes it's even best to stop talking for a bit and simply hold each other.^{[2]
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4
Listen for the underlying emotional content of what he says. We all have emotional needs, and perhaps his are not being met. He may not say this outright, or even consciously realize it himself. Consider how you can better meet these needs in your relationship.
- Emotional needs include: security, love, fun, friendship, physical intimacy, control over one's environment, inclusion, self-esteem, status, a sense of achievement, meaning and purpose.^{[3]
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5
Confirm what your boyfriend has said. Repeating in your own words what you've heard from him helps both of you be sure that you understand his perspective.
6
Make sure your partner lets you have your say as well. Speak as openly, calmly, and specifically as you can about what's bothering you. If your boyfriend interrupts, gently remind him that you let him speak freely for as long as he needed, and now it's your turn.
7
Decide on what you can both do to reach a positive outcome. This will almost certainly involve compromise on both parts, but try to find enjoyment in giving something for the benefit of your relationship.
8
Confirm your agreement. Make sure each of you understands your part of the plan going forward, how you can non-argumentatively remind each other of your agreement, and what the consequences are if you do not uphold your end of things. Set a date for when you can re-evaluate how well things are going.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Examining Argument Patterns

1
Decide what you most commonly fight over. These may be minor things, like cleanliness, or major issues, like jealousy, infidelity, or commitment.
- Be aware, though, that arguments are often about something below the surface, such as resentment and disappointment. The things we argue about can be simply an excuse to vent our deeper frustrations.^{[5]
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2
Identify other factors that may contribute to your fights. These include alcohol, physical or emotional fatigue, and stress from work or school. Dealing with these may significantly improve things.
3
Consider your involvement in the problem. While you may feel that your boyfriend is to blame for everything, step back and ask whether you've contributed to your arguments. In some cases, admitting that you did something wrong to your partner may dramatically reduce the intensity of the argument.^{[6]
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- It's important to admit when you are wrong. Additionally, be open to accepting that you can have differing perspectives about something. Many arguments continue because people refuse to see things from the other person's viewpoint.
4
Find solutions that you can live with. You may or may not know how you would like the problem to be resolved. Take time to think about what your ideal outcome is, and then ask yourself what other possible outcomes you could accept.^{[7]
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Research source} This will help put the argument in the larger context of your needs and the relationship as a whole.
- If it helps, write down the things you want to say to your boyfriend.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Preparing for a "Good" Argument

1
Tell your boyfriend that you want to talk. It may help him to know in advance, rather than to spring the subject on him unawares. This gives him a little time to think about his own position, too.^{[8]
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Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
2
Set a goal for the argument, along with your boyfriend. You and your partner should both be on the same page about what the goal is. It's a good idea to write out your goal, then document any compromises that the two of you reach.
- For example, you might set a goal to resolve a disagreement about how much time to spend together on weekends. You could write out a schedule showing when you'll hang out versus when you'll each have time to do other activities.
3
Plan to do something fun together after the talk. A new or favorite activity will help remind both of you why you're in the relationship to begin with.^{[9]
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Set a time limit. Allowing 20-30 minutes for the conversation should be adequate. This ensures that the talk (or argument) won't go on indefinitely.^{[10]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Dealing with Blow-Outs

1
Accept that you cannot change what is going on in the other person. Some arguments continue in spite of your best efforts. If your boyfriend is saying hurtful things, misinterpreting you, acting arrogant, or judgmental, his ego has been hurt and he is behaving this way out of self-protection. Although you may think that by saying or doing the right thing you can bring him around, he's actually not in a state where he's truly receptive to your words and actions.^{[11]
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2
Walk away. While you cannot change what's happening with the other person, you can take care of yourself. Realizing this helps avoid damaging confrontations. It's okay to walk away from your boyfriend; remember, though, that this is not a punishment to him. Stay receptive and loving, and when he decides to open up, be there to listen.^{[12]
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- Sometimes a 30-minute break can help both of you calm down. Take a walk, call a friend, or do something else entirely for a good half an hour before returning to your boyfriend.^{[13]
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Stop talking. If you can't walk away for whatever reason, disengage from the argument by keeping silent. Listen to your inner feelings instead of fanning the flames with more words.^{[14]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

Do men enjoy fighting?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

No, they don't. Neither gender enjoys fighting. However, some men use arguments as a way to express their feelings that they've bottled up. In some cases, they may express unsaid feelings that they've been harboring.
Question

My boyfriend is always horny, and at times he gets mad when I don't want to have sex. How do I get him to understand that sex shouldn't be that important if you respect the other person's need for a break?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

He may be using sex to deal with negative thoughts and emotions that he wants to escape. He may need to learn how to deal with his issues in another way. Talk to him and help him identify other ways he can cope with negative feelings.

Warnings

If this is an abusive relationship, break up right away, and tell somebody about it. You should never feel emotionally or physically unsafe at any point.

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