How to Stop Being a Doormat

Co-authored by Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC

Last Updated: December 23, 2022 References Approved

Do you have a tendency to give in to everyone? Do you feel like you're being treated like a doormat, and people just walk all over you because you're kind and generous. Learn to speak up for yourself, and say "no" more often. Focus on building your confidence by setting limits and addressing your own needs. Understand that you don't have to be a constant people pleaser in order for others to like and respect you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Speaking Up For Yourself

1
Evaluate if you are being respected. Do you feel disrespected or used by someone? Maybe they have been asking you for many favors without giving back in return? Understand that you deserve respect of your time, money, and efforts. Be realistic that one person can only do so much.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Figure out if the person who's using you is proving mutual respect and kindness in return.
- If the situation feels one-sided, in which you're doing all the work, then understand that kind and respectful people wouldn't do that to you. For example, let's say a friend of yours always asks to borrow your stuff, and they never return it. Maybe they just come up with excuses, time and time again, when you ask for your stuff back.
- Some people are opportunists and will manipulate a situation to their advantage.
2
Focus on your needs. Set your expectations for yourself higher. Believe that your needs are equal to anyone else's. You may feel like you want to please other people, but if your actions are consuming all your time, money, and resources then it's only hurting you.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[4]
X
Research source}
- You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to be loved, cared for, and appreciated.
- Explain to others that you have certain limits in your time, money, and resources. Be strong that those who respect you won't try to guilt-trip you. For example, tell someone, "I'm sorry but you asked to borrow my phone multiple times, and I'd rather not give it this time. Please respect that."
- Refocus on your own unique qualities and worth. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}
Advertisement
3
Learn to say "no" without feeling guilty. Good people won't make you feel guilty about saying "no" on occasion. If you provide a clear reason, then they are more likely to understand and back off from bothering you further. The more you communicate your needs, the more you'll be able to boost your own confidence and self-esteem.^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[7]
X
Research source}
- For example, let's say one of your siblings wants to go to a concert this weekend, but has a bunch of chores to do before that. Your sibling asks you to help out. Consider responding, "No, sorry I can't help out." Even if they say you've got time or aren't as busy, tell them, "Sorry, I'd like to be able to relax too, and I completed my chores."
- Say "no" when it's clear that someone else is trying to get out of doing something they don't want to do.
- While it's important to be helpful to those who genuinely need help, avoid being sucked into activities, work, or chores that you dislike.
4
Be kind but direct. In speaking up for yourself, it's important to be clear, concise, and friendly. Understand that you don't have to do everything someone asks in order to be their friend. Be clear and concise about what you can and can't do for someone.
- Be kind in the way that you decline to help. Be calm and friendly. It's important to be nice without having to agree to whatever they say.
- Consider offering alternatives for them to consider. They may have not thought of other ways to get what they need.
- Be clear that you have limits to what you can and want to do. For example, let's say you and your friends are planning a party, and every time they assign you to bring refreshments. Consider saying, "I did that last time, and the time before that. I'd like to bring some desserts instead."

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Gaining Confidence in Your Relationships

1
Understand their motives. In relationships with friends, family, or partners, you need to understand their perspective on things. They may be oblivious to what they're doing to you, or they may know all the tricks to get what they want.
- See if they are asking for help from a place of genuine need, or selfish desire.
- Be willing to ask them what's their reason for asking you to do something. Say something like, "Is there a reason you keep asking me to do this for you?"
- Figure out why did they chose you in particular? Do they see and appreciate what you do, and continue to do for others? Or do they say that you're just always someone who says 'yes'?
2
Assess how you feel when people take advantage of you. When you better understand your partner, friend, or family member's motives, how does this make you feel? Do you feel used and disrespected?
- Think about what they're asking is something that you genuinely want to do.
- If you are doing something for others out of fear of rejection, being judged, or disrespected in some way, this may be an unhealthy relationship for you. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're doing things out of fear.
3
Set limits. Make sure that your partner or close friend doesn't walk all over you. If they are constantly asking you do things for them, or making excuses why they can't help you, you need to discuss with them about setting limits.
- Realize that some people are just manipulative and selfish. They just looking for ways to get what they want, without having to change or giving anything in return.
- Avoid depending on people who you know you can't trust or don't stay true to their word.
- Talk openly and honestly with them about limits to their behavior. Be calm and assertive. Don't shy away from conflict. Consider asking them, "What do you think might be your own responsibilities might be in this situation?"
- Be confident that the more you set limits, then the better off you will be. It may be tough at first, but will get easier the more of you do it.
4
Focus making it a win-win situation. Sometimes the best way to resolve a situation is to find a win-win for both parties. Instead of just going along and agree to help your friend or partner without asking anything in return, learn to ask for something back, or a way that both of you can benefit.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Most people will understand that asking for something in return is normal, and possibly expected.
- For example, let's say that your friend wants to borrow some of your clothes for a party this weekend, you could ask to borrow something of hers in return, or say for another favor like help with some chores or a ride to the party.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Setting Boundaries at Work

1
Learn to be assertive. At work, you may be asked to do anything and everything. Be willing to give back and get the work done. But when it interferes with your break time, lunch, or after-work hours, be assertive about your limits as an employee. ^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Help to define your role to others at your work. Ask them to respect your time, particularly when it's off-work hours.
- Speak directly, clearly, and concisely. Understand that if you act more confidently when you say, "No, sorry I can't help with that right now," then your wishes are more likely to be respected.
2
Realize that you don't need to be friends with everyone. While it's important that you get along with supervisor, that doesn't mean you need to demean yourself for them. This is even more true for co-workers. Sometimes people just won't like you, and it's okay. ^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You don't need to be liked by everyone, but you need be treated with respect and consideration.
- Understand the difference between having a mutually respectful relationship with your co-workers, and one where you're being used by them. If you continually agree to do others' work without anything in return, you will likely feel used.
- Focus your time and interactions with other people who treat you with respect.
3
Ask for help as part of a team effort. If you feel like everyone is asking for your help and time, find ways to redirect the focus. Show them how work is a team effort. You give. They give. Everyone gives in order to make the work run smoothly and fairly.
- Don't feel overwhelmed by what others are asking of you. Instead find ways to understand what your role is, and how others can contribute to the overall goals of the company.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help, particularly if everyone else is asking for some from you. Think about talking with your boss or other co-workers you trust to find solutions that work for everyone. For example, say something like, "I wanted to see about getting some help with this project. Are there any things that you might be able to help with?"

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get someone to treat you better?

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Hyungbum Kang is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of experience, Hyungbum specializes in using an integrated therapeutic approach to treat ADHD, Anger Management, Depression, and other mental health and social work struggles. He received a Bachelor’s degree in English and Master’s degrees in Sociology and Social Work. Hyungbum earned an MBA from Hawaii Pacific University (HPU) and is working on his Doctor of Psychology from HPU. He is a member of the American Psychological Association, the International Honor Society in Psychology, the National Association of Social Workers, and the California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals.

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

Tell the person how you would like to be treated. Then, set reasonable goals to let that person know what you need from them in the future.
Question

How do I make a close friend respect me as a person?

Celeste

Community Answer

If your friend is a true friend, he or she should automatically respect you without you having to "make" them. If there's a lack of respect, talk to your friend about it, as they may not realize the effects of their behavior. End the friendship if the issue persists.
Question

I have a best friend who constantly guilt-trips me into going places with him. In the meantime I'm doing other things but I don't know how to tell that to him so he doesn't feel like I don't like him. What can I do?

Community Answer

Just be direct with him and say "Sorry i really want to go but I can't because I have (whatever it is you have goin on)." That lets him know that you still like him but just have other plans. Also, let him know that the guilt trip makes you feel bad.

Warnings

If the person is physically or emotionally hurting you with their needs and demands, take a step back and look at possible warning signs for abuse.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0