How to Stop Competing With Your Sister in Law

Last Updated: February 8, 2019 Approved

Competition between sister in laws can be common in some families, which can drive a wedge between not only the women, but the entire family. Whether its your husband’s sister or your brother’s wife, nipping this competitive behavior in the bud will helpful if you want to have a better time at family gatherings.

Steps

1
Don’t enter the competition. Does it really matter that she’s thinner or has more money? Who is keeping score--you? In the end the person who seems to want to compete is actually the individual with the low self esteem. The reason she is competing with you is to help her feel better about herself. If you defuse the competition and avoid even getting into the ring with her, you can free yourself from the arduous task of trying to out-do each other.
- Let her take the floor. She obviously needs the strokes, so instead of trying to out-do what she is saying, just let her to. Allow her to talk freely about whatever it is will make her feel superior, all the while you tune out and let your mind wander.
- Smile and nod but don't react. Don't engage her with additional questions or conversation. Just smile and nod when she begins to talk incessantly about her new car or expensive ring. Eventually she’ll run out of ideas and shut down.
- Re-direct the focus during a “competitive” conversation. If she starts to get overly aggressive or competitive, change the subject to another topic such as an upcoming family wedding or a benign subject in the news.
2
Draw the line when it comes to the family. She may want to one-up you every step of the way (which is fine), however when it comes to your husband and children, draw the line and call her out immediately.
- Consider keeping your children’s personal lives to yourself. If she seems to use the kids as leverage, don’t share anything personal about your kids. Allow your sister in law to talk about her’s but don’t share accomplishments or struggles your children may be experiencing (which may give her more fuel for comparison).
- Avoid bragging about your husband’s achievements. Another point of contention may be your husband. Whether it’s her brother or her brother-in-law she may be comparing her spouse to yours so remove any possibility from the equation.
- Tell her that you refuse to compare your children to hers and that she must stop immediately. Be clear about how you feel. If you feel as though she continues to cross the line you must call her out on the behavior and let her know you do not appreciate her behavior.
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3
Be astute to how she is working your mother-in-law. Could she be trying to sabotage your image to your mother-in-law or painting you in a negative light? Whether your mother in law is her mom or you are both in the daughter in law position, make sure she isn’t trying to ruin your relationship in an effort to look good in her eyes.
- Never talk about your sister-in-law in a derogatory fashion to your mother-in-law (even if she is possibly talking about you). Your mother-in-law can see what’s going on if your sister-in-law is trash talking you to her so resist the urge to bad mouth her and instead take the high road.
- Pay attention to misunderstandings your sister-in-law may have conjured up. If you notice that your mother in law is treating you differently lately or acting odd, you may need to do some investigating to see if your sister in law either started a rumor or speculated about you to your mother in law. You may want to confide in a trusted family alley (just don’t let on what is your true intention)
- Consult with your husband if your sister-in-law appears to be trying to sabotage your relationship. Especially if your sister in law is your husband’s sister, ask him to do a little detective work and find out if she’s been gossiping about you behind your back to your mother in law. However, only involve your husband if you cannot handle the situation alone and/or if problems have gotten so out of control you cannot handle them alone.
4
Limit interaction with your sister-in-law. You may not be able to completely avoid her (due to family holidays or interaction) but you can spend more time with other family members during gatherings.
- Focus on the people who enhance your life. Instead of being bogged down by negatively stemming from your sister in law, turn your attention to forge a positive relationship with other family members.
- Be cordial but don’t get overly personal with your sister-in-law. Never be overly rude but hold back on being extremely warm or open with your sister-in-law. Consider the relationship to be more on a “business” instead of personal level. Be professional but not personal.

Community Q&A

Question

I think my sister-in-law is trying to split me up from my husband. What should I do?

Community Answer

Take a step back and analyze her actions. Look for things, like is she starting fights over things that are pointless? Is she telling your husband you are saying or doing things you never did? Maybe she just doesn't like you. Figure it out then take action.
Question

What if she got other family members to be hateful towards you

Community Answer

Do not worry about what other people have to say. If they are going to believe her over you, then you should not care.
Question

What can I do if my sister in law tries to over parent my decision on how to raise my kids and doesn't care about other peoples feelings?

Community Answer

You should tell her to trust your decision. You are a responsible person and can take care of your own kids. Tell her to be more aware of you and your abilities and ask her to give you suggestions and not orders.

Warnings

Take a pause if you feel as though your sister in law’s competitive behavior is causing problems in your family relationships. Take your husband aside and have a frank discussion if you feel as though her behavior has gone from simple competition to harmful sabotage.

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