How to Stop Fighting with Your Family

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Last Updated: September 20, 2022 References

Having an argument with anyone can be upsetting. When it’s your family that you’re fighting with, it’s normal to feel confused about how to handle it. You may be ashamed to admit that your family fights. You may feel sad because the situation doesn’t seem to be improving. What you probably want most of all is to decrease the fighting and bring harmony and peace back into your household. Learn some basic guidelines on how to stop fighting with your family.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Coping with Sibling Rivalry

1
Be the bigger person. Try to rise above the disagreement and show your level of maturity. Consider how important the issue is that you are fighting about. If it’s a serious matter that is truly affecting one of you, then you should sit down and give each person the opportunity to express themselves.^{[1]
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- Say something to the effect of “We’re sister/brothers. We shouldn’t be fighting like cats and dogs. Let’s take a moment to talk about this. You go first.” Being willing to let the other person talk first can go a long way of showing that you want to resolve the problem.
- If the issue isn’t that big of a deal, however, let it slide without a big fuss. Siblings have little spats between them. It doesn’t mean you don’t love and care for one another.
2
Get some space. Sometimes, others get under your skin because one of you is already irritable or anxious. Be willing to recognize when you are tense and take a moment to collect yourself before trying to sort out an argument. It can actually help to recognize when you need a break ahead of time. This can prevent you from saying words you’ll later regret.^{[2]
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- Go somewhere by yourself for a short time to gather your thoughts and calm down. It can even help to leave your house or wherever you are and visit a friend.
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3
Try to compromise.^{[3]
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Research source} If something that you do annoys them, make an effort to stop. Help them out, and show them that you're genuinely making an effort to get along. It's normal and sometimes necessary to change some tiny aspect about yourself to get along with people—siblings are no different.
- Choose a time and place to talk when you have both cooled off. Think about how much you’re willing to bend to compromise. Be truthful in sharing your thoughts and opinions (without being offensive) and be willing to listen to the other person’s side of things.
- Once the two of you make an agreement, uphold your end of the bargain. It may also be a good idea to check in with your brother or sister regularly to see if they are satisfied with the progress you two are making.
4
Focus on a resolution. While it's tempting to try to lay blame and to make your voice heard, resolving the issue is what's most important. Think about what you'll enjoy from a healthy relationship with your sibling moving forward rather than trying to "win" an argument with them. Understand that you each need to bring something to the table and work together, so don't try to make the process about getting what you want.
- Apologize for what you've done to hurt your sibling. Say, "I'm sorry I hurt you," or "I didn't realize that not coming to your birthday would upset you, but I'm sorry that I missed your special night."
5
Avoid bringing up issues during times of celebration. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and family events are not times to discuss your issues with your sibling. Bringing up these issues will create a feeling of negativity that can ruin the event for everyone. Additionally, your other family members who aren't involved in the issue should not have to hear about the dispute or be involved in working it out. Instead, focus on celebrating the event with your family.
- If you feel that your issues with your sibling will interfere with your enjoyment of the event, schedule a time to talk to them about the issue so that you know that your grievances will be aired, even if it's at a later date. Write down what you want to discuss so that it isn't on your mind during the celebration.
- Remind yourself of the good memories that you are creating for yourself and your family. You don't want to look back on this event with negative feelings.
6
Avoid trying to make your parents choose a side. It’s common for siblings to want to pull mom and dad into a disagreement to determine who’s right and who’s wrong. This is unfair to your parents and your sibling(s). Unless the fight has turned potentially dangerous, try to exercise your conflict resolution skills without involving your parents.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Resolving a Fight with Parents

1
Keep your cool. If you are getting upset with a parent, take a time-out. Politely excuse yourself and walk into another room or outside for a breath of fresh air. Do some deep breathing exercises to stimulate your body’s natural stress relief response.
- Inhale through your nose for 4 counts. Hold it for 7 counts. Then, exhale the air through your mouth for 8 counts. Repeat this technique until you start to feel calm again.^{[5]
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2
Use “I” statements. Be respectful and use language that minimizes your chances of offending your parent(s) and getting into trouble. If you use statements that start with “you,” they can seem argumentative. “I” statements give you the chance to express how you feel and respectfully disagree with your mom and/or dad.
- Try this: “I feel mistrusted when you follow me in the car. I try my best to follow the rules, but it doesn’t help if you don’t try to trust me.” Or, “I’m feeling really pressured about having to go to your alma mater for college. Can I have more time to think this over?”
3
Practice active listening. One of the main reasons why you may fight with your parents is the neither of you feels heard. If, by this point, you have been allowed to express yourself, return the favor by listening to their points-of-view as well. Refrain from using any sarcasm when something is said that you don’t like or agree with. Follow these tips to listen effectively:^{[6]
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- Put away any distractions, such as turning off phones or TVs
- Turn to face your parent(s) and make occasional eye contact
- Reflect open body language by uncrossing your arms and legs and leaning toward the speaker
- Wait until the speaker is done before replying
- Make clarifications by asking questions to ensure that you got the correct message
4
Remember that they love you. If you’re a teen who finds yourself arguing with your parents, you may feel as if you are at war. No matter how difficult your relationship is with your parents and how rarely you see eye-to-eye, they love you and probably have your best interests at heart. Although it may feel as though you are on different sides, they just want the best for you.^{[7]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Outside Support

1
Recognize that all families have problems. While television sometimes portrays ideal families that don't have issues or issues that can be solved within 30 minutes, that is not a normal representation of life. Many normal families have issues involving stress, misunderstanding, frustration, hurt, anger, and disconnection. Having an argument with a family member is a normal part of life that is bound to happen even in the healthiest of families. Even though it's normal, you may still experience negative feelings such as sadness, hurt, anger, and frustration.
- Arguments may arise due to someone's poor treatment of a family member, because of a longstanding unresolved issue, or due to other family dynamics.
- Because you learn how to handle stress and conflict from your family, unhealthy behaviors can persist through generations. You all must work together to overcome conflicts and to change poor coping strategies.
- If your family has issues with mental illness, substance abuse, or other chronic issues, consider entering therapy to discuss how you can make changes for yourself. If your family members are willing, consider going to therapy together.
2
Find someone outside of the conflict to confide in. Leaning on an unbiased third party can help you cope with fighting in your family. Make sure the person you confide in will listen to you without taking sides or breaking your confidence. Vent to them when something goes wrong, and let them help you sort out your feelings.
- Talking to someone who is not involved in an argument can help you vent your frustrations. However, another advantage of confiding in a friend is the ability to get some perspective. That person may be able to spot when you are being unreasonable and advise you on how to make amends when you have taken an argument to far.^{[8]
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3
Perform regular self-care. When there is turmoil in your family, you must attend to your own mental and emotional needs to cope. You may not even notice how tense and stressed you feel after fighting with your family, but your mind and body are certainly experiencing the effects. Stress can cause you to make rash decisions and even become physically ill. Counteract this stress by treating your mind and body good.^{[9]
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- Do something that relaxes and soothes you. This can include going for a run, taking a warm bubble bath, playing with your dog, watching a movie with friends, or getting a mani-pedi.
4
Consider going to family therapy. Someone with professional training might be able to find the source of the problem and help you and your family solve these issues. Going into therapy together can help you all communicate and work together to come up with solutions to your issues. Family therapy is usually mediated by a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who will have specialized training in family dynamics as well as awareness of how different cultural, spiritual, and religious beliefs affect how people approach family conflicts.^{[10]
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- Family therapy is usually done over a brief period of time and focuses on helping your family communicate better. It can also help identify and resolve disruptions to your family cohesiveness.
5
Have patience. Learning better ways to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions without hurting your loved ones is a skill that takes time to develop. Try not to be upset when things don’t change overnight. In the meantime, look for small indicators that you and your family are learning to resolve conflict in a more healthy manner.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you stop family arguments?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Put yourself first. Avoid trying to communicate if you're overwhelmed by a lot of emotions, especially anger or anxiety. Instead, wait until you're calm.
Question

I want to know why my brother fights with me and the whole family. He always gets his way.

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

The best way to find out what is causing your brother to fight with everyone is to see a family therapist. Without a full understanding of the entire situation, it is impossible to say why one person is fighting with the rest of the family. A qualified therapist can help you all understand what is happening and work to fix it.
Question

My cousin and I live together, and she is and I am 12. She is a brat and gets on my nerves, but I get in trouble. What can I do to fix this madness?

Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

Talk to your parents or guardians about how you feel and ask for advice on how you can cope with your feelings toward your cousin. Since you two are living together, your relationship may be like a sibling relationship. It's normal for siblings to feel annoyed, angry, and frustrated with each other.