How to Talk to Parents So They'll Understand

Co-authored by Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD

Last Updated: October 17, 2022 Approved

Ever feel like it’s hard to get your parents to understand you? Even though they were your age once, you might feel that they simply can’t relate to you or your struggles. But, if you want to have a close relationship with them, you need to be able to speak to them effectively. You can help your parents understand you by being honest and open, picking the right time and place to talk, and working to build trust.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Coming Up with a Plan

1
Write your goals and plan ahead. Write down what you want to discuss and what you want to achieve. Plan ahead for what your parent’s concerns will be and put steps in place to prevent their worries. During this time, be as responsible as possible at home so your parents are more likely to listen to you.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you may want to go to a party this weekend but your parents don’t typically let you go out. Tell them they can have the other parents’ number, you'll be home by curfew, and you'll keep your phone on you at all times.
2
Choose the parent most likely to understand. Depending on the topic, one of your parents might be easier to talk to than the other. If you feel that that is the case, talk to the parent who you feel most comfortable with. Pull them aside when the other is not at home to have a discussion.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you want to get on birth control but your dad is totally against it, you might talk to your mom instead. She might be willing to help you get on the Pill without your father’s consent.
Advertisement
3
Write a letter or email if a discussion will be heated. Maybe you tried to talk to your parents about this issue in the past, but they refused to hear you out. Remember that sometimes in-person chats are not the best route. Consider emails, texts, or letters if your parents are not good listeners or if you are afraid to talk to them.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, perhaps you have been dealing with depression for a while, but your parents don’t “believe in mental illness.” Write them a letter talking about your experience and how it affects you. Include outside information from trustworthy sources as needed to help you explain your experience.
- Give them the letter late at night or right before you go to school so they have time to process it away from you.
4
Schedule a time to talk. If you would prefer to talk in person, plan the discussion in advance. Check in with your parents in the morning to see when would be a good time to chat. You can even text them during the day to set a time, as well.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Say "Dad, I want to talk to you about something. When would be a good time for us to talk?"
5
Choose a time when your parents are free. Otherwise, their mind will be elsewhere and they will either get irritated or not give you their undivided attention. Avoid having serious talks when it seems like they had a hard day at work or during their favorite show.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- If your issue is urgent, tell them immediately. For instance, if you are in trouble or are considering harming yourself, tell them as soon as possible.
6
Talk when you’re calm. When possible, have these discussions when you are calm. You will be better able to articulate your thoughts clearly.^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.} A little emotion can be helpful in serious discussion, but too much can make you seem immature.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Know when tears are inappropriate. If you need to tell your mom that you’re pregnant, crying is understandable. If you want to go to the beach with your friends, however, tears may be a bit overboard.
7
Rely on someone you trust for help or advice. Your parents may be more likely to trust a knowledgeable third party who can back up your point and provide additional information. Find another family member, mentor or teacher you trust who you can talk to. They may be able to coach you through your talk with your parents. Or perhaps they will be able to give you the advice that you are looking for in general.^{[8]
X
Research source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Having a Talk with Your Parents

1
Start with a statement that’s to the point. Start with a statement that explains the issue you want to address and will help you segway into discussing your feelings. Be brief and to the point when introducing the topic.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Calmly open the chat with a statement like, "I feel that it's unfair that I couldn't go to the party Friday night."
2
Be honest about how you feel. Talk about what has been bothering you and why. It’s really important that you be truthful with your parents during this process, no matter how difficult it might seem.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Say something like “I got a speeding ticket because I was about to be late for my curfew. I’m sorry. I know this will cost a lot of money, but I already talked to my supervisor and she’s going to give me extra shifts on the weekends. I understand if I need to be punished, though.”
3
Use “I” statements. When having a serious talk with your family, avoid saying “you always” or “you never.” Instead, focus on you and your feelings, and stick to the facts. Avoid blaming other people or becoming defensive. In order for them to understand you, they need to hear things from your perspective.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- Say “When I have to stay home on Saturday nights instead of hanging out with Marissa, I feel sad and like I’m missing out on time with my friends.”
4
Talk about their concerns. If you can understand the ‘why,’ then you can address what needs to change. Parents often have legitimate reasons for making certain decisions, so try to understand where they are coming from. Listen to their reasoning without interruption.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
- For instance, perhaps your parents don’t want you going out with your significant other because they are fearful that you’ll make a bad decision. Spend time with your SO along with your parents until they feel more comfortable with you two going out alone.
5
Keep a calm tone. During this conversation, keep your voice down. Avoid yelling, cursing or whining at all costs. Take a few deep breaths to calm down when you feel stressed. Remember that the more mature you are, the more likely they’ll be able to understand you.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.}
6
Come up with some solutions. Brainstorm some potential fixes with your parents, and be willing to compromise if they are not fully on your side. Even if you can’t get your way, you may be able to come to a partial understanding.
- For example, if you want to get a tattoo and your parents can’t understand why, then suggest that if you still want the same tattoo in six months you can talk reopen the conversation again.
- Or if you want to go to a college that’s not local, suggest taking a tour with your family.
7
Give them some time. Even if your parents do not understand you immediately, don’t worry! People often need some time to process things before they can completely get them. If you are hoping your parents will change their mind about something, give them some time. Until then, respect their decision.
- For instance, if your mom told you you can’t get a tattoo, don’t sneak and get one. Wait until she approves it or until you have the money and are no longer living with her to do so.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Relationship

1
Earn their trust. Tell them you understand how important trust is. If you have broken their trust in the past, earn it moving forward. Ask them what you can do to earn their trust back. Start by being honest, dependable and trustworthy. Remember that your actions speak louder than words, so you will have to do what you say you will do consistently to earn their trust back.
- Always be where you say you’ll be and do as you said you would do. Go above and beyond to show your parents that you are responsible.
2
Talk about good things, too. Relationships are built on more than just difficult conversations with your parents. Spend some time checking in with them often about your life. Talk to them about the good grade you got on your chemistry final or a cool movie you saw with friends. Talking to them about the little things will make discussing big things easier.^{[14]
X
Research source}
3
Find ways to compromise. Unless your parents are unreasonable, most people are willing to find a happy medium. If you want your curfew to be extended by two hours, see if your parents will extend it by one hour for now. Ask if you can do extra chores at home in exchange for other privileges you want.
4
Do your part at home. In order to be perceived as more mature, do all of your chores at home. Complete your homework without having to be asked and keep your room neat. Take out the trash, do the dishes, or cook dinner even on the nights when it’s not your turn. Your parents likely do a lot around home - give them a break sometimes.
5
Follow up. Your parents might have seen your side of things immediately, or perhaps they did not. If not, follow up with them to see how they’re feeling. Check in after a few weeks to see where their head is at and if they’ve had a change of heart.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- Say something like “Hey Dad, have you thought any more about me going on the Senior Trip since we last talked? The money is due in a couple of weeks.”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you talk to your parents without arguing?

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Sirvart Mesrobian is a Clinical Psychologist based in West Los Angeles and Glendale, California. Specializing in individual, family, and couples treatment for young adults and adults. Dr. Mesrobian provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, motivational interviewing, trauma-focused treatments, and other services. She earned a Master's in Psychology and a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.

Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

First, take a deep breath and be patient. Listen to their point of view without interruption and validate their perspective. Then, offer your perspective in a calm and respectful tone. If they disagree, recognize it does not invalidate your point of view, but allows you both to have an opinion of your own.
Question

I'm scared to ask my mom if we can just live alone without my stepdad. What should I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It would be helpful to find a private time to bring up the subject to your mom directly. Make sure to let her know why you feel the way you do by using "I: statements. If this is too difficult to do in person, then consider writing her a letter.
Question

What if there is no change after talking to them or they get angry?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

You may need to drop the subject and resume at a later time when your parents are less emotional and when you have more factual information to back-up your case. Sometimes, you may just have to go along with their rules as well.

Warnings

Avoid whining.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 167 Not Helpful 59
You should try to improve your relationship with your parents. Talking about different things help!

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 132 Not Helpful 81