How to Talk to Your Spouse About Having Children

Last Updated: February 20, 2023

The decision to have children is huge and it is not always easy to bring up in a relationship. Direct, honest, and respectful communication is the best option, but even if you both want to start a family, you will need to discuss readiness factors. If it turns out that your partner does not want kids now or in the future, then you may need to consider other options, such as not having children or seeking marriage counseling.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Partner

1
Think about your own reasons for wanting to have kids. Before you strike up a conversation you’re your spouse about having kids, take some time to examine your own reasons for wanting to have kids. Write them out in as much detail as possible to help you prepare for a conversation with your spouse.
- Consider whether your motivation is internal or external. Do you want to have kids because you think your friends and family expect you to do so? Or do you have an internal desire to have kids? How can you tell that your desire is rooted in yourself?^{[1]
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2
Find a good time to talk. Don’t approach your spouse at the end of a stressful day or when he or she is distracted. Instead, plan your conversation for a time when you and your spouse are relaxed and can devote your full attention to the matter.
- For example, you might plan to talk on Saturday morning after you have had breakfast. Make sure that you sit down face to face and put away all distractions (cell phones, laptops, etc.) when you have your conversation.
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3
Say how you feel. Be honest and tell your partner why you want to have kids. Use the notes that you made to help you explain point-by-point why having children is important to you and why you want to do it now. State your case in a calm, clear voice and be as detailed as possible about your reasons.
4
Ask your partner what concerns they have. If your partner is not ready to have children, then it is important for you to hear about the concerns that they have about the process. Ask your partner to share their concerns with you and to be as honest as possible.
5
Listen with an open mind. Even if your partner is 100% against having children, it is important for you to listen to your partner with an open mind and to show that you respect their desires. Make sure that you maintain eye contact, nod to show that you are listening, and ask questions if your partner says anything that you do not understand.
- If your partner is in favor of having kids, then you will need to talk about your readiness and determine if there is anything that you need to do before you get started.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Discussing Your Readiness to Have Kids

1
Think about your health. Having children requires you and your spouse to be in good physical condition. Take some time to consider how healthy you are and what you can do to improve on your health before trying to become pregnant.
- For example, if you smoke or your partner smokes, then take steps to quit smoking. If you or your partner are overweight, then take steps to lose weight. Try to pinpoint your health challenges and identify ways that you can improve your health.
2
Examine the strength of your relationship. Before you expand your family, you and your partner should take time to work out any challenges in your relationship. Having children can put a strain on both of you and if you have issues, then it is in your future child’s best interest to try to find a solutions to these issues.
- For example, if you tend to argue now and then about minor things, then work on improving your communication with your partner. If your issues are larger than small arguments now and then, you may want to consider marriage counseling to help you resolve problems before trying to have a child.
3
Evaluate your finances. Raising a child is expensive, so it is important to consider your ability to provide things like a crib, clothing, food, and toys. If you are struggling with your finances, then you may want to take some time to improve your situation and save a bit of money before you start trying for a baby.
4
Compare your ideas about how to raise a child. Raising a child also requires lots of teamwork between you and your spouse, so you should be on the same page regarding how you will raise your child. Talk about the values that you and your spouse share and how you can overcome disagreements about values.
- For example, do you and your spouse share the same ideas about how to discipline your child? Can you agree on what moral values to instill in your child? Do either of you have a strong religious preference?
5
Consider the length of your relationship. Longer relationships tend to have more stability and this is important for your future child. Consider how long you and your spouse have been together and if your relationship is stable enough for a child. It is a good idea to wait until you have been together for at least one year before deciding to have a child together.^{[2]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward with Your Partner

1
Try to be patient if your spouse wants to wait. Even after you share your feelings with your spouse, there is a possibility that they may still not feel ready to have kids. In this case, it is important to be respectful of your spouse’s wishes and try not to pressure them.
- Pressuring your spouse about having kids is unlikely to make them think differently about the choice. In fact, it may even cause serious problems for your relationship.
2
Remember that having children may challenge your relationship. Children cannot fix a relationship, but some people think that having children will do just that. If you are considering children as a way to fix the relationship between you and your partner, then you should not have children.^{[3]
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- Try to work on your relationship with your partner before you make the decision to have kids.
3
Consider what your life would be like without children. Many people opt to live without children and lead happy, rewarding lives. Consider whether you and your spouse could be happy without adding children to your relationship.
- One way to determine if a life without children will cause you regret is to imagine your future self and consider whether or not you will regret not having children.^{[4]
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- Try to think about how you might spend your time and money if you never have kids. What would you do with the spare time, money, and energy that you would have spent on children?
4
See a therapist for help. If you and your partner cannot come to an agreement about having kids and it is causing problems in your marriage, then consider seeking treatment from a marriage counselor. You may also consider seeing a counselor on your own for help dealing with your feelings about desiring children when your spouse does not.