How to Trust Your Boyfriend

Overcome your doubts and build a solid, trusting relationship with your boyfriend

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 7, 2023 References Approved

Most of us know that trust is a key element in developing a strong, long-lasting relationship. While it’s completely normal to have some doubts every now and then, not trusting your partner at all can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and relationship issues. That’s why we’ve compiled a comprehensive article so you can learn how to trust your boyfriend and strengthen your relationship overall.

1

Focus on the present, not the past.

Give your boyfriend a clean slate if he’s messed up before. Nobody’s perfect, and your boyfriend may have done things in the past that made him look untrustworthy. If you’ve decided to forgive him and move on, try not to bring those things up, and do your best to focus on what’s happening now instead.^{[1]
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- This can be hard to do, especially if your boyfriend messed up big time (like cheating on you). However, it’s the best way to move forward and improve your relationship.

2

Give him opportunities to be trustworthy.

Let him prove to you that he can be trusted. When you make plans together, trust him when he promises that he’ll be there on time. When you ask him where he’s going, trust him when he tells you that he’s hanging out with a good buddy. It can be tough, but let your boyfriend do the work to prove that he can be trusted.^{[2]
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3

Encourage him to go out with his friends.

Each of you needs to have a life outside of your relationship. It might sound impossible right now, but the more you spend time apart, the easier it will get. If he’s going out with friends, tell him to have fun and to text you when he’s on his way back. This is a good way to work your way up to trusting him more and more.^{[3]
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- Try not to guilt-trip him or make him feel bad for going out, either. You’re both allowed to have friends outside of your relationship.

4

Try not to check in with him too often.

When he’s out, don’t text or call him a ton. He’s probably too busy to check his phone because he’s having fun with friends. Do your best to distract yourself and put your mind on other things. You can text him a few times just to see where he’s at, but don’t overdo it!^{[4]
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- Think about how much fun you have with friends and how little you look at your phone when you’re out. The same is true for your boyfriend.

5

Avoid going through his phone or computer.

Unfortunately, this is likely to cause more trust issues. While it can be tempting to snoop through his socials or peruse his text messages for information, it can cause a rift in your relationship. Going through his things is a violation of your boyfriend’s privacy, and it could cause him to distrust you.^{[5]
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- Going through your BF’s devices to convince yourself he’s trustworthy only harms you, because you’re letting your anxious thoughts take over. Instead, challenge those thoughts and remind yourself that you don’t have any evidence to support your worries.

6

Tell the truth.

When you tell the truth, you’re more likely to assume he is, too. Don’t lie to your boyfriend, and be open and honest with him no matter what. If you set a good example, he’s very likely to follow your lead.^{[6]
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- Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If he can trust you, then you’re halfway there.

7

Be vulnerable with your boyfriend.

Open yourself up to him to feel closer to him. Trust doesn’t come easy, and it might take some time for you to trust him fully. You can speed up this process by being vulnerable and allowing him to get to know the real you. As you two get closer to each other, you’ll probably learn to trust him more.^{[7]
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- Try telling him something that you’ve never told anyone else, or share an embarrassing moment that makes you cringe.

8

Acknowledge your feelings.

Do a deep dive into the reason why you might not trust your boyfriend. Sometimes, we lack trust because of something that happened in a past relationship. Other times, we don’t trust our partners because they’ve given us a reason to doubt them. Sit down with yourself and try to figure out the root cause of your trust issues, then acknowledge any feelings you have.^{[8]
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9

Challenge your negative thoughts.

Catch your unhelpful thoughts and ask yourself if they’re true. When we’ve been distrusting people for so long, it’s easy to think badly about them, even when we don’t mean to. You can stop those thoughts in their tracks by acknowledging them and then challenging them.^{[9]
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- For instance, maybe you think something like, “My boyfriend is probably out talking to other girls right now.” You might think to yourself, “What evidence do I have that this is true?”
- Or, maybe you think, “I wonder if he’s messaging guys on Instagram.” You might ask yourself, “Is this a valid thought? Why do I feel this way?”

10

Spend quality time together.

Connect with your boyfriend by spending time doing things you both love. Quality time is different from just spending time together—you can spend time together watching TV, but it isn’t bringing you closer together. Make it a point to go out on dates and do fun things together that make you feel more connected. Over time, it will strengthen your bond and make you trust each other even more.^{[10]
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- You could try having a picnic in the park, going for a long walk around the neighborhood, trying a new restaurant, or taking a hobby class together.

11

Talk to a mental health professional if you need to.

Working on trust issues can be tough to do on your own. If you’re having trouble figuring out how you can trust your partner, make an appointment with a therapist to work through your emotions. You can talk about what’s happened in the past, why you might have trust issues, and what you can do in the future to improve your relationship.^{[11]
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- If you and your boyfriend are really serious, you might also want to consider seeing a couple’s counselor together.

12

Assume he has good intentions.

Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt to see him in a positive light. Remember that he’s the man you’re in love with, and he probably loves you just as much. Try not to assume he’s out there trying to break your heart, since that can cause a lot of unneeded stress on your end.^{[12]
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- Think back on all the ways your boyfriend has been trustworthy in the past. Try to use these memories as a reminder any time you start assuming that he’s being untrustworthy.

13

State your boundaries clearly.

Let your boyfriend know what he can and can’t do in your relationship. If you set up these guidelines ahead of time, your boyfriend is much less likely to cross any lines without knowing. Sit down with him and have an open, honest conversation about what you’re comfortable with.^{[13]
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- For example, maybe you aren’t comfortable with him meeting up with his ex. You might say something like, “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t meet up with Alex one-on-one. I understand if you see your ex in a group of friends, though.”
- Or, maybe you’d like to know who he’s hanging out with ahead of time. You could say, “Would you mind letting me know who you’re meeting up with? It would just make me feel better.”

Expert Q&A
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Question

Why is it so difficult to trust my boyfriend?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

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It's possible that something from your past is informing your ability to trust now. If that's the case, being open about what you're feeling with your boyfriend and talking to a therapist will really help! However, if your boyfriend is doing something to trigger your suspicion, that's a different matter entirely and you should address that with him.
Question

How do you fix trust issues?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

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There is not a quick "fix" for a trust violation. It will take a lot of dialogue, honesty, and demonstration of changed behaviors. Don't fall into a quick and easy fix.
Question

What do you do when you can't trust your boyfriend?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

This is a serious problem and can interfere with the ongoing relationship. It is important for the other person to acknowledge that they have violated your trust. Listen carefully to what they say and what they propose to win your trust back. Make sure your source is good if you accuse them of a violation.