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This article was written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 22,360 times.
You care about your girlfriend, but you can’t stop worrying that she may be cheating. Maybe things are different in your relationship, or perhaps you’ve noticed her fawning over someone new. Doubting your girlfriend can make you feel sad, hurt, and angry, but we’re here to help. We can help you figure out the chances of your girlfriend cheating on you. Fortunately, you can find out if she’s cheating and talk to her about it without hurting your relationship or spying on her.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychotherapist, Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Signs Your Girlfriend May Be Cheating
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1She’s suddenly secretive with her phone and computer. She may be texting a new love interest. She may be hiding texts, photos, or emails from her new partner.[2] [3] It’s normal and healthy for your girlfriend to talk to her friends without telling you everything she says. However, you might be concerned if she’s on her devices a lot and being evasive about what she’s doing.[4]
- For example, she might be flipping her phone face down, angling her phone away from you, or putting new passcodes on all her devices.
- This also includes dodging questions about what she’s doing on her devices. Just keep in mind that your girlfriend shouldn’t have to tell you everything she does on her phone or online.
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2She’s getting texts at weird hours. Most people don’t get late-night texts from work or casual friends. If your girlfriend is suddenly getting texts at all hours, it could be cause for concern. She may be cheating on you, but there could also be an innocent explanation.[5]
- It’s best to talk to your girlfriend to find out if there’s a good reason for the late-night texts, such as a new job promotion that requires more responsibility.
- Start a conversation by saying, “Wow, a text at midnight? It must be really important. Is everything okay?”
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3She’s posting a lot on a new friend’s social media posts. It’s totally normal for your girlfriend to interact with her friends on social media. At the same time, her sudden interest in a new friend’s profile could be a cause for concern. Liking and commenting on all of someone’s pictures might be a sign she’s into them. However, it could be no big deal if she’s like that with everyone.[6]
- It’s perfectly okay for your girlfriend to like and comment on people’s photos. It's only a reason to worry if she's suddenly really focused on one specific person.
- Start a conversation by saying, “Brent seems cool. Where did you meet him?” or “Is Brent one of your friends from school?”
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4She’s improved her appearance. This includes things like dressing better, spending more time on grooming, or adopting healthy habits. It’s normal for her to want to look her best, but spending more time on her appearance could also be a sign of cheating. She may want to look her best for someone special.[7] To find out what’s going on, talk to her about it and listen to what she says. You could say:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been going to the gym lately. Are you working on any fitness goals?”
- “You’ve looked amazing every day this week. Any reason you’re dressing up?”
- “You’ve been on quite the health kick lately. Wanna go running together this weekend?”
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5She’s unavailable for long periods of time. It’s possible she’s just working long hours, so try not to assume the worst. At the same time, she might be turning down plans and ignoring your calls because she’s with someone else. It’s best to talk to her so you can find out if she’s busy or possibly cheating.[8]
- Start your conversation by saying, “I really miss having fun with you. Can we talk about how busy your schedule has been?”
- You could also say, “I know you’ve been busy lately, but it’s hard to go hours without hearing from you. Is there a reason you can’t text me more often?”
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6She’s suddenly being less intimate with you. It’s normal for couples to go through dry spells sometimes. However, a sudden decline in intimacy could also be a sign something is wrong. In some cases, that could even include cheating.[9]
- It’s worth considering other reasons you’re being intimate less often.
- For instance, she might be working more or could be coping with a medical condition, like depression.
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7She’s accusing you of cheating, even though you’re innocent. People who are cheating often accuse their partners of infidelity. Unfortunately, her suspicions could be a sign of a guilty conscience. While this alone isn’t solid evidence, you should probably talk to her about it.[10]
- You might say, “I’ve been totally faithful to you, but your accusations worry me. Is there something you’re not telling me?”
- You could also say, “I’ve never cheated on you, and I never will. Can we talk about why you feel suspicious?”
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Section 3 of 4:
Why would your girlfriend cheat on you?
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1She might want more support and attention from you. You’re probably putting a lot of time and effort into your relationship. It’s possible your girlfriend just wants more right now. Some people cheat because the new person is filling an emotional need.[11]
- For instance, she might feel like you don't listen enough or she might want you to text her more.
- This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, and it's not okay for her to cheat.
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2She may be feeling bored or unfulfilled in your relationship. Every relationship has its ups-and-downs, and it’s totally normal for people to get bored. When someone’s bored, they might start looking for excitement outside the relationship. This can sometimes lead to cheating.[12]
- As an example, she might think you're stuck in a boring routine as a couple, but a new person is making her feel excited.
- This may be a reason for cheating, but it's not an excuse. It's never okay for someone to cheat on you.
- If you think your girlfriend might be bored, reignite your spark by trying new things. Take her on some fun dates!
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Section 4 of 4:
What should you do if you suspect your girlfriend is cheating?
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1Ask her directly if she’s cheating in a non-accusatory way.[13] You might be feeling scared to have the talk with her, but it’s the only way to know for sure. Be honest about your concerns, and listen to what she has to say. Say something like:[14]
- “I’m really afraid of being cheated on. Can we talk about it?”
- “Lately, I’ve noticed something different between us, but you’re so important to me. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
- “I’ve noticed you have less time for me lately, and it seems like you’re on your phone a lot more. Has something changed?”
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2Trust your intuition if you feel like something is wrong. She may not be cheating on you, but something is bothering you. In some cases, there’s just something missing from your relationship, and the problem is totally fixable. Ask your girlfriend if you can have a long talk to reconnect. Tell her that you’ve been feeling insecure in your relationship, and ask her how she feels.[15] Say something like:
- “Lately, I haven’t felt like a priority to you. I really miss the connection we used to have. Have you noticed any changes in our relationship?”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really distant lately, and there’s a lot of new stuff happening in your life. Is there something I can do to help us reconnect?”
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3Consider moving on if you can’t trust her. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to rebuild it. If you’ve lost all trust in her, it may be best to walk away from the relationship.[16] You’ll probably feel heartbroken at first, but those feelings will fade in time. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure and loved in your relationship, and that person is out there waiting for you.
- It might be hard to see it now, but you will feel better in time. Right now, focus on spending time with people who care about you so you get the support you need.
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4See a therapist to help you process your feelings. Being cheated on is a really painful experience. You’ll likely feel sad, angry, and betrayed, and you may need to grieve the loss of your relationship. Working with a therapist will help you work through your emotions and get ready to fall in love again.[17]
- A therapist can also help you work through your worries about your girlfriend cheating if you've been cheated on before.
- Your therapy sessions may be covered by insurance. Just check your benefits.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat qualifies as an emotional affair?
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Licensed Professional CounselorIn an emotional affair, there's an element of emotional intimacy and secrecy with a person other than your partner. For example, texting about emotionally intimate topics could be an example of an emotional affair. -
QuestionHow do I start trusting my partner more?Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Licensed Professional CounselorCheck in directly with your partner before you start making assumptions. Something that raises your suspicions could simply be a misunderstanding that your partner can easily explain. As your partner acts reliable and consistent over time, you'll be able to trust them more.
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Warnings
- You're probably really worried right now, but don't assume your girlfriend is cheating, even if you notice a few signs. There may be a simple explanation, so it's best to talk to her.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- You may be right to be suspicious, but resist the urge to spy on her phone, go through her email, or hack her social media. It's still important to respect her privacy.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ https://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/03/internet
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/subtle-signs-of-cheating-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/infidelity/how-many-people-cheat-statistics-and-figures-for-infidelity-in-the-u-s/
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/truths-workplace-affair/
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD. Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
About This Article
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
This article was written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 22,360 times.
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Co-authors: 7
Updated: May 21, 2022
Views: 22,360
Categories: Cheating in Relationships
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