How to Work with Someone You Dislike

Last Updated: November 14, 2022 References

We don’t always get to pick our colleagues and other working relationships. Difficult working relationships can arise for any number of reasons such as high expectations, difficult personality traits, and subtle things like conversation and listening skills. If you are forced to work with someone you dislike, you might try reflecting on the specific causes of this dislike. You might also try managing your interactions with the individual so that you don’t have to spend as much time together. Talking things through with friends, family, and colleagues is also very important.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Tackling a Difficult Relationship by Working on Yourself

1
Identify what you don’t like about them. Take a few minutes to reflect on the specific traits that annoy you. Perhaps they have an annoying voice, tend to be disorganized, obnoxious, or speak with an overly aggressive tone. Once you have an idea of the specific traits that annoy you, it will be easier to figure out a way to address the situation.^{[1]
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- Once you take the time to identify how you feel, it will be easier to figure out what you have control over in the situation.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Dawn Smith-Camacho
  Career & Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 May 2020.}
2
Reflect on your personal history. Considering the traits that you find disagreeable in them, think about whether you have been annoyed by these traits or characteristics in previous relationships. By connecting your disagreeable experience of them to your personal history, you will be better prepared to manage your relationship with them.
- For example, if they use an aggressive tone of voice that reminds you of a family member, remind yourself that it isn’t necessarily this particular individual that annoys you. Rather, it is the experience of being addressed with an aggressive tone of voice.
- If they tend to arrive to meetings in a haphazard or disorderly fashion that annoys you, consider whether this behavior reminds you of other individuals you have had trouble with in the past. Remind yourself that it is the behavior that annoys you and that the individual may have other redeeming qualities.^{[3]
  X
  Research source} Also, keep in mind that we all have triggers. Certain things the person says and does may trigger you and cause you to react in a negative way. Try to become more aware of your triggers.
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3
Assess whether you possess the personality traits that you dislike. If you are annoyed by a personality trait in a colleague or other working relationship, consider whether you have this or a similar trait. If this is the case, you may dislike the individual because they remind you of similar flaws in yourself.^{[4]
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- If the individual is disorganized and always arrives late to meetings, consider whether your dislike of this behavior relates to any of your own experiences of being disorganized or late.
- If the individual speaks with an aggressive or mean tone of voice, consider whether your dislike for them relates to any personal experiences with anger or aggression.
4
Avoid taking it too personally. Remember that their behavior towards you may have nothing to do with you at all. If they are behaving poorly towards you or others at the workplace, this may be the result of any number of factors that have nothing to do with you such as their family, upbringing, or schooling.^{[5]
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5
Set reasonable expectations for your working relationship. Consider what expectations you have in your working relationship with this individual and whether these expectations are realistic. You may have expectations that are based on prior experiences of working with someone else in a similar role. If you think your expectations are too high, adjust them so they are more realistic.^{[6]
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- If your expectations are based on what you want your ideal colleague to be able to accomplish instead of the actual skillset of your colleague, you may have to adjust your expectations.
- If your former colleague was highly responsive on email and your new colleague tends to be slow, you may have to adjust your expectations and anticipate a longer response time.
- Try focusing on what you can control. For instance, if one of your coworkers simply frustrates you, you might try reacting to them less, or spending less time with them. Then, figure out what that would look like in a real way.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Dawn Smith-Camacho
  Career & Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 May 2020.}
6
Use relaxation techniques. If you find it hard to avoid reacting negatively to the person you dislike at work, you might benefit from using relaxation techniques. Try meditating for five minutes at the beginning of your work day or taking deep breaths when things get hard.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} For example, try taking three deep, slow breaths when you feel anxious or stressed out in a meeting with the person you dislike. By using relaxation techniques, you can diffuse feelings of anger, anxiety, or stress that may arise in response to the person you dislike at work.
- Practices like meditation, breathing exercises, and gratitude journaling can help you shift your thinking towards a more positive mindset.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Dawn Smith-Camacho
  Career & Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 May 2020.}
- You can use a meditation application such as Calm or Headspace. These medication apps allow you to design short meditation sessions and give you mediation instruction. You can download them on your smart phone and use them at home or at work.^{[10]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Managing Interactions in a Difficult Relationship

1
Set boundaries. It is important to set personal boundaries with the person you dislike at work. Setting boundaries may include not discussing personal or family matters in the workplace, not sharing a personal cell phone number, and limiting the number of projects you work on together. By setting clear boundaries, you will know you only have to deal with the individual you dislike in certain situations at work and only in relation to work related matters.^{[11]
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- Avoid giving them your personal cell phone number. If they ask you for your personal cell phone number, you could say: “Sorry, I actually prefer to use my work number. You can call me there and I’ll answer as soon as I can. You can also contact me on email. Hope you understand.”
- Tell them you are only comfortable talking about work related matters and that personal topics are off limits.
- If they invite you to the bar after work, you might say: “Sorry, I have a prior engagement this evening. I also like to keep my work life separate from my personal time. Hope you can understand.”
2
Use email and skype instead of face-to-face meetings. If you have a choice between a face-to-face and a skype meeting with the person you dislike, choose the skype meeting. Meetings on skype tend to be a little more perfunctory and it can be easier to avoid small talk. Alternately, see if you can cut down on meetings and get more coordination done via email.^{[12]
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3
Engage other colleagues to help you deal with them. If you have to interact with the individual you dislike in order to get a project done, see if any work friends are willing to help you out. Although you may dislike them, you may have a friend at work who has a better working relationship with them. If this is the case, they may be able to help you by taking on the brunt of the work that needs to be done with the individual you dislike.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Avoiding the Individual You Dislike

1
Separate yourself from them in time and space. If you have a flexible office space that allows you to work in more than one room or location, work in spaces that are far away from them.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} If you have some control over your work schedule, try to get shifts that do not coincide with their shifts. Find ways of working that limit the time and space you share at work.^{[14]
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2
Work remotely. Although it might be difficult to work remotely all the time, you may be able to arrange working remotely every once in a while. Ask your boss if it is possible to work remotely on a particular day of the week or once a month. You can look forward to working remotely, since you won’t have to deal with the person you dislike in any face-to-face situations.^{[15]
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3
Schedule days and times when you can work away from them. If you are working with them on a number of projects, try to schedule meetings so that you have some time every week when you don’t have to interact with them.^{[16]
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- You might try moving a few meetings so that you have one day a week when you don’t have to interact with them at all.
4
Eat lunch at a different location. If you know where they eat lunch every day, you may as well avoid this location. If there is only one lunch room, try taking a walk at lunch time or driving to a nearby restaurant. This will cut down on the time you have to spend with the individual you dislike.^{[17]
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5
Avoid participating in extracurricular activities with them. Limit the time you spend with them outside of the workplace. You can find out if they are going to work parties, workshops, or other events and plan accordingly. If there are options that allow you to attend the event without seeing them, such as the same workshop offered on different days, take advantage of those options.^{[18]
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- If you are forced to attend the same event, prepare yourself in advance by doing some relaxation activities such as deep breathing or meditation.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Talking Through the Difficult Relationship

1
Call a friend. If you are experiencing a difficult working relationship, call a close friend or family member to vent.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} Your friend may be able to offer some perspective on your experience. It will also help to get the experience off your chest.^{[20]
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2
Avoid gossip. You should avoid chatting about the person you dislike behind their back. If you gossip about them, you may end up gaining a reputation as someone who is judgmental or mean. If you feel a desire to have your opinion about this individual confirmed by others, talk to friends or family members who have no relationship to your workplace.^{[21]
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3
Tell them your needs. If you find yourself frustrated because the person you dislike is not meeting your basic needs at the workplace, try telling them in a direct and constructive tone.^{[22]
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Expert Source

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 July 2021.} They may not know how to meet your expectations, so give them some directions:
- If they have an annoying trait such as a loud or obnoxious voice, you might try saying: “It would really help me if you were able to use a calm tone of voice in the meeting this week. Sometimes you have a loud voice and I find it a bit unnecessary, so if you can just tone it down a bit, it would really help me. Thanks so much.”
- If they have an annoying problem with staying on time, you might try telling them: “I really need to get home on time today. If you don’t mind, can we start the meeting on time this week so I can get home to my family. We have an important evening that I do not want to miss.”
4
Offer constructive feedback. It may be the case that the individual you dislike is exhibiting poor behavior because they have never had constructive feedback about it. If you give them good, constructive feedback, they may be able to adjust their behavior in a positive way.^{[23]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- If they have a tendency to interrupt you and others at meetings, you might try saying: “I’ve noticed you have a tendency to interrupt myself and others at our weekly meetings. I know you don’t mean to do this. However, it makes it difficult for people to finish what they are saying and can disrupt our conversations. It would be really great if you could work on your listening skills and try not to disrupt myself or others at our meetings.”
5
Greet them. Try to create friendly atmosphere in your interactions with them. When they come into the office in the morning, greet them with a friendly “Hello” or “Good morning!” When they leave the workplace in the evening, remember to say “Good evening, see you tomorrow!”^{[24]
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6
Forgive them. If you have disliked them for a long time because of their behavior in the past, you may find it useful to forgive them. Although you may or may not feel they are deserving of forgiveness, it can be a real burden on you if you hold onto your anger or otherwise avoid forgiving them. Find a moment to forgive them or, at the very least, forgive them in private.^{[25]
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- Take them aside after a meeting and tell them you forgive them.
- If you feel unable to forgive them, try practicing in front of a mirror.
7
Discuss the difficulties over coffee. Tell them you want to grab a coffee and ask when they are free. At your coffee meeting, tell them you feel there has been some tension in your working relationship and that you want to talk about it.^{[26]
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- If it is an old relationship, try saying: “I know things have been difficult in the past, but let’s try to put that aside for the time being and really focus on getting this project right. I think we could try staying on schedule more often and really attending to client needs. What are some things you think might help?”

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I avoid getting disturbed by a loud and noisy coworker?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Talk about the problem to the coworker. If they continue to disturb you, move your desk to another place or use headphones. Schedule your work apart from that coworker.
Question

How can I live with a person I do not like?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try to make things easier by having a conversation with the other person. Let them know your needs and try to find a solution. It may help to make life less hard for both of you.
Question

How can I get relief if something is bothering me?

Julia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Julia Yacoob is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in New York City. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for adults coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. Dr. Yacoob earned an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Rutgers University, and pursued specialized training at Weill Cornell Medical College, New York Presbyterian Hospital, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, the Institute for Behavior Therapy, and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Dr. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, Women’s Mental Health Consortium, NYC Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association, and Association for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies.

Julia Yacoob, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

You can talk it out with your spouse, friend, therapist. It may give you some relief.