How to Adjust to Being a Boy when You Really Want to Be a Girl

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: December 2, 2022 References Approved

There's nothing wrong with being assigned male at birth, yet feeling much more comfortable as a girl. Unfortunately, you might not be able to simply start living as a girl for various reasons, like being a minor. Remember that if transitioning is the most comfortable option for you, that is what you should do. Here are a few steps to help you along the way.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Understanding Yourself

1
Look up what it means to be transgender. Due to the increasing amount of information about transgender people, you may have already heard some information about what being transgender is. Transgender people have a gender that is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a girl might have been thought to be a boy.
- Gender is determined in your mind and heart, not by your anatomy. If you really feel like a girl, you are a girl. It's just that not everyone knows it.
- Some transgender people compare it to being born in the wrong body. Others feel comfortable with their bodies. For example, a trans boy might say that because he is a boy, that makes his body a boy's body.
2
Look up what it means to be nonbinary. If the label of "boy" doesn't seem right, but "girl" doesn't fully fit either, you may be nonbinary. If someone is nonbinary, sometimes informally called "enby", their gender doesn't fully fit the labels of "male" or "female". While there are many nonbinary genders, here are some of the more common ones:
- Genderfluid people may switch genders from time to time. For example, maybe that means being a boy yesterday, a girl today, and agender tomorrow.
- Demiboys/Demigirls only partially fit the label of "girl" or "boy."
- Agender people have no gender.
- Bigender people have two genders simultaneously. For example, someone might be both a boy and a girl, or both a girl and agender.
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3
Understand the difference between being transgender or nonbinary and being gay or queer. Some people don't totally understand what it means to be transgender or nonbinary, and come up with a lot of silly ideas about them. Oftentimes, transgender or nonbinary people are said to just be gay; however, these are not the same. Being gay means that you get crushes on people of your gender, and being transgender means that your gender doesn't match your assigned sex. If you feel like you're a girl, you're probably transgender, not gay.
- Of course, transgender and nonbinary people can be gay or queer, as well. You can be a girl who likes girls, or a nonbinary person who likes girls. There's nothing wrong with that, either.
4
Take some time to reflect on yourself. Imagine yourself in 10 years: being a man and being called "him", being a woman and being called "her", and being nonbinary with a different pronoun such as "they" or "it." Which one sounds the most comfortable, fun, or exciting? Try looking in a mirror and saying, "I am a [boy/girl/nonbinary gender]". Which one feels best to you, and feels right?
- It is okay to be a guy who likes feminine things, if that's what you turn out to be. Whether you're a boy who likes pink or a boy who likes to cross-dress, that's okay. You don't have to match narrow gender roles.
- You don't have to be 100% traditionally feminine in order to be a real girl. Some girls like baseball, superheroes, and wearing pants. If you think you're a trans girl, this doesn't invalidate your gender.
- Take as much time as you need to in order to figure things out. There's never any rush to know who you are.
5
Don't let other people tell you who you are. As well-meaning as other people may be, you are the only one who can figure out who you are. Don't let somebody else tell you whether or not you're a girl, nonbinary, or a boy - only you can know what your gender is. Even the people who know you best can be wrong about how you feel inside.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Transitioning to a Girl

1
Be yourself. It's unhelpful to waste energy on trying to pretend to be someone you aren't, whether it's faking masculinity or acting hyper-feminine even though you aren't. Find your own personal style. There are all types of girls in the world, and you get to choose the style that fits you.
- It's okay to be a girl who has traditionally masculine interests, like sports or technology. You don't have to stifle yourself or your interests just to be a girl.
2
Start small, if needed. Going from presenting as male to presenting as incredibly feminine can be jarring, and it's okay to feel that way. You don't need to rush to put on a wig, jewelry, heavy makeup, et cetera, if you don't feel ready for it. Go at the pace that suits you best.
- Some trans girls do feel most comfortable with an immediate makeover, and that's okay, too. There's no "right" way to transition.
3
Start growing your hair. You might start with an attractive pixie cut, and then grow it out to shoulder-length or longer. Make sure you wash it daily and take extra good care of it. Brush it and style it however you want. It's your hair, after all.
- If you don't know how to take care of your hair, look it up online or in magazines. Checking out wikiHow's Hair Care articles can be a great place to start.
- Some parents might be hesitant to let their kids grow out their hair. If your parents are these kinds of parents and don't want you to grow your hair, there may be ways to convince them. For example, you could tell them that you feel that growing out your hair will help you be seen as more of an individual.
4
Care for your body. Girls in books and movies always like to take good care of themselves, and doing so yourself could help you feel more feminine. Take care of your skin and nails, and shower every day. Taking good care of yourself will help you feel better about your body, which can also help you to feel more confident in yourself.
- Caring for yourself can also make physically transitioning easier on you, if you choose to transition later on in life.
5
Choose accessories that help you feel feminine, if desired. Hair accessories, necklaces, and/or bracelets can help you feel girlier, and many girls wear nail polish to give their fingernails a fancier look. While not all girls enjoy feminine things, others find it fun and affirming of their femininity. Browse the aisles of stores and see what you can find.
- You could also choose to get your ears pierced. Many girls have their ears pierced, and this provides a great opportunity to look for cute earrings. However, if you don't want your ears pierced or your parents won't let you, that's okay - there are plenty of girls with non-pierced ears, too.
- While it's fun to go shopping and check out whatever you can find, don't buy any accessories that you aren't comfortable with or don't feel match your personality. There's no need to buy the flower crown if you feel that it doesn't suit you.
6
Dress in comfortable and attractive clothes. Don't be afraid to check out the girl's section of your local department stores and malls. Wander between sections, and find clothes that suit your personal tastes. If you like frilly skirts, you should wear them. If you prefer skinny jeans and camo tops, wear them.
- If you want to feel extra attractive, figure out what colors suit you, and how to dress to accentuate your body type.
- It's okay to wear "boy clothes" if you can't find anything you like in the girl's section. For example, if girl's pants aren't comfortable for you, it's okay to wear boy's pants. Your comfort is important, too.
7
Find someone to talk to. Whether it's a best friend, sibling, support group, or even a doctor or psychiatrist, it's important to express your feelings and get a second opinion. If you need help with coming out, there are literally hundreds of resources online that offer tips, advice, or even personal help.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
8
Network with other trans people. You're making a big change in your life, and that will come with a lot of emotions and challenges. Who knows what it's like? Other trans people. They can help you through your transition, offering advice and support. Finding other transgender people to talk with and discuss issues with can be a great help - and who knows, maybe you'll even make some new friends! Search your local LGBT community centres.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
- Be careful about looking on some social media sites - there are some people online who like to tell people whether or not they're transgender, or tell people that their gender doesn't exist. Running into these people may make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself, so try to steer clear of them whenever possible.
9
Look for a therapist who specializes in transgender issues.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} Teen years are difficult, especially for trans teens, who may face the challenges of transition and possible discrimination. Choosing a therapist can be a tough job, but it's worth it; seeing a therapist who you feel comfortable with can be a great support, especially on rough days.
- You don't need to look for a gender therapist specifically. A therapist who understands transgender issues can be a great outlet, too. Gender therapists are a good source for if you want to physically transition, though.
- A therapist should not try to force you into a gender role that you aren't comfortable with, tell you what gender you "are", or make you do anything relating to your gender that you aren't comfortable with. If your therapist does this, they're not a good therapist, and you should find a new one.
10
Dress up whenever you can. No, don't go into your sister's bedroom and ransack her wardrobe. Dressing up for Halloween is one of the best ways to have fun as a girl without being judged. It also offers plenty of opportunities to bring up the subject of being a girl - permanently.
11
Hang around with other girls as friends. Having friends is important, especially if they make you feel better about yourself. If you can find girls who want to be friends with you, hang out with them! Even if they're not the kinds of girls who would exchange fashion tips with you, just having friends who you're comfortable with can be a huge help in terms of self-acceptance and confidence.
- Of course, it's okay to be friends with boys, too. Just consider trying to make your circle of friends consist of mostly girls. In school, most people hang out with those who are of their same gender. Hanging out with girls can help to make you feel more like a girl.
- Some people may bully you for being a girl and hanging out with girls. These people just don't understand that there are people like you in the world. Tell them firmly to stop being mean to you, and take it to a trusted adult if it doesn't stop. Remember the phrase, "I'm okay, you're mean" if people are treating you badly.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Coping Without Transition

If it is not safe to come out and start transitioning, it's important to come up with coping mechanisms to protect your mental health.

1
Consider when you will be safe coming out. For example, if you are worried that your parents would kick you out and take away your college funds, you should wait until you are done with college and have your own place. Sit down and plan out exactly when you would be able to come out. This will help you look towards a brighter future.
- You aren't obligated to share personal information about your gender with your parents, especially if they would judge you for it. It isn't dishonest to avoid telling in order to keep yourself and your education secure.
2
Take good care of yourself. If you can't transition when you want to, it can be immensely stressful and may end up hurting your physical and mental health. While you may feel stuck or unable to escape how you feel, taking care of yourself can help keep you out of a severe rut.
- Eat as healthy as you can and stick to a good exercise routine.^{[4]
  X
  Research source} Try to spend some time outdoors if possible, too - it will help.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- On a smaller scale, make sure you're doing things like showering, eating regular meals, and moving around a bit rather than staying in bed all day for no real reason.
- Engage in activities you enjoy, such as fun hobbies, watching TV or movies, learning something new, or anything else that you like doing.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
- Keep an eye on your mental health. Unfortunately, trans people (especially trans youth) are at a higher risk of self-injury or suicide. It's important to avoid self-injury and cope with suicidal thoughts. If you're really struggling, you can contact LGBT-specific crisis lines, like the Trevor Project or the Trans Lifeline.
3
Consider ways that you could safely express yourself. For example, maybe your safety would be at risk if you wore a dress, but your parents wouldn't care if you had long hair in a low ponytail, or wore skinny jeans. While everywhere is different, and it may be tough to find "compromises" with your parents, they're out there. You just might have to do some digging to find them.
- If clothing is the issue, try looking for clothing that's considered "boy's" clothing, so that your parents don't object to it. You can find many of the same styles of clothing in the boy's section as well (e.g. skinny jeans).
- You can also try things like polishing your nails with a clear nail polish, wearing some very subtle makeup (if safe to do so), or practicing more feminine self-care routines, like shaving or moisturizing your skin. These typically go unnoticed unless someone is looking closely.^{[7]
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  Research source}
4
Reach out to others who support you. You're not alone - not everyone can or wants to transition, and there are people out there who will listen to and understand how you feel. To keep yourself mentally healthy, seek out friends and communities who support you and will listen to you.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}^{[9]
X
Research source} Trans communities in particular are a great resource, since many trans people have gone through (or are going through) the same thing.
- Even friends who have already transitioned, or friends who aren't trans, can still be great supports. Sometimes all you need is someone who will listen to you vent, validate how you feel, and then join you in something that will help take your mind off things when you're ready.
- For those who can't find in-person supports, there are many groups for transgender people online. Just take caution to make sure these groups are hidden from those who you don't want to know about your true gender.
5
Look for professional support. It can be very stressful to hide your real gender, not to mention just plain hard at times. See if you could find a trans-friendly counselor, therapist, or doctor who can help you stay in good mental health. Your state of mind is incredibly important, so it's important to talk to somebody about how you feel to somebody who can support you and help you.
- Get screened for anxiety and depression. Without proper support, trans people can be at high risk for these illnesses. Treatment can improve your quality of life.
- Explain the reasons why you do not feel safe transitioning to the professional. They may be able to help you.
6
Find a place where you can safely express your true gender. It can be hard to have to live as a boy when you know that you aren't one, so it's important to find a place where you can really be yourself. Maybe if you can't safely show your femininity at home, you could do so at the house of a trusted friend who knows your real gender.
- If your school has a GSA or LGBT club of some sort, you may be able to join it and express yourself. Be sure to stay out of club photos, though, or your parents may realize it when the yearbooks are printed.

Community Q&A

Question

I'm 15, I feel like a girl, but I'm a boy. My parents believe it's a phase, but my friends (at least the two I told) are accepting. When I see a nice girl I want to be her, not love her. What can I do?

Community Answer

The first thing to understand is that if you feel like you're a girl, you want to be a girl, and you believe that you were supposed to be born a girl, then you ARE a girl. And you are just as much a real girl as any cisgender girl. If you see a girl that you want to be, try writing down the things about her that you want for yourself. Circle the things that you can do without your parents getting you in trouble, and take them one step at a time. Once it's safe, you can take the rest of the list.
Question

How can I transition to being a girl at 24 years old?

Community Answer

Start off small and only wear feminine clothes around close friends or family with whom you are comfortable.
Question

How can I become a girl?

Community Answer

You can start by dressing like a girl and expressing your gender in a way that feels natural to you. You can also consider hormone therapy and gender reassignment surgery.

Warnings

Unfortunately, this is a world full of narrow-minded and violent people. Use caution around these people to be safe.

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Do not take the different traits a human being can have to be granted for one gender role or the other. Strength is not the opposite of femininity.

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Do not let your fear and discomfort prevent you from getting help when you need it. Reasonable people won't judge you or refuse to help you.

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