How to Ask a Girl out if You're in the Friend Zone

Co-authored by John Keegan and Amber Crain

Last Updated: June 10, 2021 References

It’s completely normal to develop feelings for a friend. However, once you’ve been put into the Friend Zone, it can sometimes feel like there’s no way out. You definitely don’t want to ruin the great friendship you already have, which puts even more pressure on you. Even if it's a little scary, the best thing you can do is be straightforward about your romantic feelings. Try to keep the tone light and always approach her respectfully and confidently. If you do, the conversation will go smoothly, regardless of the outcome.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Setting the Right Tone

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Consider the consequences of asking her out.^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Will you still be able to friends if she says no? How will your relationship change once you make your romantic feelings clear? Did you become friends with her in the first place because of a romantic interest? Think the scenario through to the end and make sure that you're okay with both possibilities (her saying yes and her saying no).
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Consider her feelings. As her friend, you have the advantage of knowing what’s going on in her personal life. If she’s going through something difficult or if she’s just broken up with her long-term boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s not the right time to ask her out. If she’s specifically mentioned recently that she doesn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend, respect her feelings.
- If it's not the right time for her, you are much more likely to get rejected. Instead, be a good friend to her – that’s what she needs right now. She’ll appreciate and remember it.
- Catch her in a good mood. When a person is happy, they tend to react more positively to new things.
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Flirt with her. If you’ve never shown any romantic interest in her before, it’s best to send a few hints before you ask her out. Flirt with her and see how she reacts. You don’t have to be over the top with your flirting. It can be as simple as telling her she looks pretty in a new dress, or touching her lightly on the arm when you’re talking to her.^{[2]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
- How does she react to the flirting? What’s her body language? Is she facing you directly and looking into your eyes? Is she smiling at you? Does she look comfortable and happy?
- Look for positive body language like uncrossed arms, facing you directly, leaning in closer to you, smiling, laughing and meeting your gaze.
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Start off with light conversation.^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Before you make the leap, you want things to feel pleasant and low pressure for her. If you begin by acting strangely or in an unusually shy manner, she’s going to pick up on that immediately. Awkwardness might set in. To avoid this, start with a fun conversation, make her laugh, and let your personality shine.^{[4]
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Research source}
- Once she’s smiling and engaged, then escalate the romance.
- Flirt with her in a very obvious way, get a little closer to her, and get ready to make your move.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Asking Her Out

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Ask her out in person. It’s tempting to ask someone out through text or social media. However, it’s better to do it face to face so that everything is interpreted the way you want it to be. She will see your facial expression, hear the tone of your voice, and understand clearly what your intentions are.
- If you send her a casual text asking if she wants to hang out that night, the implication will be that you’re just friends.
- This ends up keeping you in the Friend Zone, which is precisely where you don’t want to be.
- Have the conversation somewhere you both feel comfortable, like one of your usual hang out spots or during a lunch break.
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Stay calm and smile. Try not to be nervous when you talk to her. If you are at ease, it will make her feel that way, too. These situations can get awkward very quickly – try to avoid that by continuing the easygoing vibe you already share as friends.
- Keep everything positive and speak to her in a warm, genuine way.
- She will take her cues from you, so remember to stay calm and keep it positive.
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Be direct. You don’t have to make a big production out of it, but it’s important that she knows that you want to go out with her, not hang out with her. Being completely passive when you have feelings for someone is one of the major reasons why people end up permanently in the Friend Zone.^{[5]
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Research source}
- Say something like, “I really love hanging out with you and I’m starting to have feelings for you as more than a friend. I’m hoping that maybe you’re starting to feel that way, too. I think it would be awesome to take you out on a proper date.”
- By keeping your feelings to yourself, you might miss your chance with her completely.
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Have a date activity already in mind.^{[6]
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Research source} Don’t be ambiguous. Instead of saying, “So, would you like to go out some time?” ask her out for a specific day and activity. Your first date doesn’t have to be anything super formal. Even something as simple as, “Would you like to see the new exhibit at the Contemporary Art Museum with me this Saturday?” will work.
- Try to pick something that you two have never done together before, so that it has a completely different vibe from one of your regular hang out sessions.
- If you choose an activity that you already regularly do together, she might not completely realize your intentions.^{[7]
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  Research source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Respecting Your Friendship

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Explain how important her friendship is to you. Tell her something like, “I don’t want to put a strain on our friendship, because I really do love being your friend. If you aren’t into me in a romantic way, I just want you to know that nothing about our friendship will change."
- Add something like, "We’re still the same people we were before I started this conversation. I want to continue having fun with you, and if you want that to be on a completely platonic level, I will respect that.”
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Make her comfortable.^{[8]
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Research source} It’s really important that you create a comfortable and safe atmosphere when you ask her out. Don’t be pushy or needy – just be you. Say something like, "I have feelings for you, but I don't want that to make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. Your friendship is important to me. Please tell me if this conversation makes you feel awkward at all."
- Make sure she knows that whatever her answer is, you’re going to be ok with it.
- Things may be a bit awkward at first but eventually the friendship will go back to normal.
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Accept her response.^{[9]
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Research source} It’s unfortunate, but these things happen. However, how you choose to handle the rejection makes all the difference. When you handle a rejection with grace and maturity, it shows others that you are confident in yourself.^{[10]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Grace, maturity and confidence are all highly attractive qualities.
- Just because she doesn’t feel romantically about you now doesn’t mean she’ll always feel that way, so keep a positive attitude.
- However, if she does say that she might have feelings for you in the future, don't put your love life on hold. Her saying this is essentially a "no." You should pursue other people if you want to and should not count on her feeling differently in the future.
- At the very least, she will appreciate this as your friend, because it enables you both to continue your friendship.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it possible to get out of the friend zone?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

It is possible if the girl develops more feelings for you. However, if they aren't interested in a relationship, reevaluate if you expect something more from your friendship or if you're genuinely their friend.
Question

What should you do if you fall for a good friend that you haven't seen for 8 months (but have communicated with over text), asked her out, and then received an email from her that said that she doesn't want to ruin your friendship?

Community Answer

You’ve already done the hard part of making yourself vulnerable and letting her know that you’d like to date her. Good for you! It sounds like you’ve also got your answer as well. The “ruining our friendship” excuse may or may not be the real reason she does not want to date you, but that doesn’t matter as much as knowing that she doesn’t. Bravo to you for being brave! Now use your new skills to go ask out another awesome girl.
Question

What should you do if you ask a girl out over a year ago and she says that she'll date you when she's ready? And what if you hang out with her as friends and flirt with her, but are afraid to ask her out?

Community Answer

It sounds like you’ve already asked her out if she’s told you she’d date you when she’s ready. She’ll let you know if and when that date arrives. In the meantime, keep being a great friend and open yourself up to other dating options. There are girls out there who are ready to date you now.