Helping you work up the courage to ask out your crush
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This article was co-authored by Collette Gee and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Whether you’ve just spotted a cutie across the room or you’ve had a crush on a friend for a while, asking them out on a date is the best way to make your intentions clear. While the possibility of rejection can be scary, regretting not asking someone out is even worse! Keep reading for expert-backed tips on working up the courage to ask someone out while maintaining your confidence the entire time.
This article is based on an interview with our relationship coach & certified violence prevention specialist, Collette Gee. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Plan an activity ahead of time that aligns with your potential date’s interests. You might ask them to a concert, a museum, or a sporting event.
- Strike up a conversation and make small talk by asking them how they are and what they’ve been up to lately.
- Be as specific as possible, and mention a date and time while asking them out.
- If the person says no, let them know that there are no hard feelings, and move on to someone else.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Asking Out Someone You Already Know
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1Strike up a conversation. Starting a casual conversation first will help you ease your way into asking the question and reduce some of the nervousness you might feel.[1] Make small talk by asking how they are or what their upcoming plans are.
- Send a friendly text saying "Hey, how's it going?" If you are doing the asking in person, approach the person and say hello. Make sure to smile and make eye contact, as this will show that you are interested.
- Instead of asking them out right away, first ask them what they are doing tomorrow, this coming weekend, and so on. This will serve as a segue to asking the person out and will make the conversation flow more naturally.
- Try to look your best when you ask somebody out. This will not only give you the best chance of scoring a date, it will help you feel more confident, which will be reflected in your behavior.[2]
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2Ask them if they would like to go on a date.[3] Be specific and direct so they understand what you’re asking.[4] Suggest an activity that you think they will be interested in, based on what you know about the person, and mention a specific date and time, too.[5] If you can't think of anything, here are a few ideas:
- “Want to go out for coffee on Saturday? My treat.”
- “I wanted to see if you were free on Friday evening for dinner.”
- “I’m heading to a party after work. Want to join me?”
- “Hey, I know you love ice cream—why don’t we check out that new ice cream shop tomorrow?”
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3Let them know that there are no hard feelings if they say no. This will help eliminate any awkwardness in the future, especially if you just asked out a close friend that you plan on continuing to see on a regular basis. More importantly, it will show the person that you are confident and mature enough to handle a little rejection.[6]
- Say something like, “No worries if you don’t want to. I just think you’re super cool, and I’d love to continue getting to know you.”
- Or, “If you’re busy this weekend or you can’t make it, I understand! Just let me know if you want to get together sometime.”
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Asking Out Someone You’ve Just Met
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1Make eye contact and smile at the person. This shows the person that you are interested in them, and gives them the opportunity to return the gesture, showing that they too are interested.[7] You don’t have to stare them down, but try catching their gaze multiple times to send a flirty hint.
- If the person looks away or doesn't smile back, they might not be interested. However, it might also mean that they are too shy to reciprocate, so don't give up quite yet.
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2Approach the person and introduce yourself, if you haven't already. Be sure to act confident, even if you’re shaking inside. First impressions are very important, and confidence is an attractive characteristic in both men and women.[8]
- Say something like, “Hi, I’m Michael. What’s your name?”
- Or, “Hey, my name’s Janet. How’s it going?”
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3Strike up a casual conversation. This can range from complimenting the person, to talking about what's going on in the room around you, or asking them a question. If you can't think of a reason to talk to the person, try these things:[9]
- Ask the person what time it is.
- Ask the person where they are from.
- Ask the person what they are reading.
- Compliment what the person is wearing.
- Talk about the music that is playing, or anything else that is going on around you.
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4Ask the person out. Once the conversation has started, let the person know that you think they are interesting, and would like to get to know them. Suggest meeting for coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. These are all very basic dates that are low-commitment, in case you don't hit it off.[10]
- “I think you’re super cool. Want to go get a drink sometime?”
- “I’m heading out, but I’d love to get to know you more. Maybe we could get lunch tomorrow.”
- Avoid asking them out to a movie on the first date, because it will not give you a chance to get to know one another.
- Try to get the person you're asking out alone. Otherwise the other person can be pressured to give a certain answer, especially around their friends.
- When asking out a stranger, make sure they feel safe and comfortable at all times.[11] If someone feels pressured or scared to say no, then their answer won’t be genuine.
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5Be diplomatic if they say no. If the person says no, smile and say something like: "Well, it was worth a try. Nice to meet you anyway!" and then leave them be. Don't continue to bother the person once they have said no, and definitely don't continue trying to convince them to go out with you. This will make you appear desperate, and make the other person feel uncomfortable.[12]
- Even if you do get rejected, pat yourself on the back for putting yourself out there in the first place. Asking someone out isn’t easy, and you faced your fears and worked up the courage to do it. Nice job!
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Making a Game Plan
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1Determine whether this person is already in a relationship. This will save you a great deal of embarrassment and unnecessary effort. Try asking mutual friends or checking their social media accounts to see if they have a partner.
- Don't ask somebody out if they’re in a relationship. Not only is it essentially guaranteed that they'll say no, but it’s pretty unfair to the person's partner, and it reflects poorly on your moral character.[13]
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2Be confident, but prepared for rejection. Decide beforehand what you’ll do or say if the person says no. This is especially important if you plan on asking out a friend, as it will reduce the likelihood of damaging the friendship. Remember that the hardest part of asking someone out is putting yourself out there. Pat yourself on the back for trying, even if the answer is no.
- Being prepared for rejection will help you avoid appearing physically defeated in front of the other person if the answer is no.[14]
- While you want to prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection, don't let it get in the way of your confidence. Rather, let it build on your confidence by accepting the fact that being rejected isn't the end of the world.
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3Find out what they like, if possible. This will help you think of a good idea for a date. If this person loves music, find out what kind and invite them to a concert. If they enjoy movies, then invite them to the theater, and so on.[15]
- If you don’t know them or you aren’t sure what kind of activities they like, just find something that most people enjoy, like an art museum or a farmer’s market.
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4Determine how you want to ask the person out. If you are too shy to do the asking in person, then consider sending a text, Facebook message, or email. Most experts recommend asking someone out in-person, but if you’re super nervous or you don’t see them often, then using technology is the way to go.
- Text messages are a good option if you are too afraid to do the asking in person. This way, you will at least be able to hide your disappointment from the other person.
- If you have just met the person and don't have their number, you will have to do the asking in person, but don't fret! Doing the asking in person is romantic and can be very rewarding if the person says yes.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I say when I ask someone out?
Collette GeeCollette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.
Dating CoachAsk the person directly if they want to go out with you so there isn't any confusion.
Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.
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QuestionWhat if they have a boyfriend already?
wikiHow Staff EditorThis answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Staff AnswerwikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerIf the person you have your eye on is already dating someone, it's not a good idea to ask them out. Instead, try looking for someone else who is single and available. You'll have a much better chance of landing a date that way!Support wikiHow by unlocking this staff-researched answer.
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References
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Christina Jay, NLP. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Cristina Morara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.succeedsocially.com/startconversations
- ↑ https://www.succeedsocially.com/startconversations
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Suzanna Mathews. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202106/4-strategies-cope-rejection
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201105/just-asking-it-part-ii-why-dating-partners-say-yes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201003/the-fear-rejection-one-day-cure-part-ii
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
About This Article
Collette Gee
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Collette Gee and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN. This article has been viewed 797,361 times.
Co-authors: 72
Updated: March 28, 2023
Views: 797,361
Categories: Asking Someone Out
Article SummaryX
To ask someone out, start by striking up a casual conversation with them in person or over text. Then, say something like "What are you doing this weekend?" If they aren't doing anything, invite them to do something they'll be interested in, like going to a concert or grabbing some coffee. If they say no, that's OK! Just say "No worries" and leave it at that. If they say yes, get started planning your date. If you want to learn how to ask a stranger out instead of someone you already know, keep reading!
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