How to Be Happy in a Relationship

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: May 13, 2022 References

Relationships require a lot of work and dedication, and one would be hard pressed to find one that didn’t include arguments and misunderstandings. However, it is still possible to build long and happy relationships with patience and dedication, even if it may seem like the love has faded.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Finding the Right Person

1
Get out of bad relationships immediately. A large percentage of relationships are doomed from the start, and staying in a bad relationship only wastes time. If things begin falling apart too soon, it is best to end the relationship instead of sticking around in hopes that things will change. Common signs of bad relationships include:
- Feeling the need to change to make the other person happy. "If you edit what you say before you say it and constantly monitor how you come across because you feel like your partner is grading you, it might be time to let the relationship go."^{[1]
  X
  Research source}
- Defending your significant other to friends and family. According to author and psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, "Not everyone is going to like your boyfriend or girlfriend as much as you do. But it should worry you if there's a general consensus among family and friends that your new love is entirely wrong for you."^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
- Constant criticism from you partner
- Wondering what your partner doing when he/she is away
- Feeling worse about yourself since you began dating your partner
- Your partner being dismissive of your feelings
2
Develop realistic relationship expectations. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on you and your partner such as:
- Expecting your partner to know what you want or how you feel without telling him/her. Commonly, "...people want their partners to “mind read”, which can often take the form of, “I don’t want to have to tell her what I want. She should already know.”^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- Expecting your feelings to override those of your partner, i.e. expecting your partner to stop pursuing their interests simply because it causes you grief.
- Getting angry at your partner for finding others attractive. "The part of our brains that finds other humans sexually and romantically appealing doesn’t die off when we commit to someone."^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- Convincing yourself that the relationship is doomed no matter what and that the two of you won't find happiness.
- Believing that the road to happiness does not require a lot of work
Advertisement
3
See your partner for what they are, not their potential. One of the biggest relationship pitfalls is assuming that your partner knows or should know how you feel. You may become frustrated if your partner forgets special occasions or does not react how you would expect him/her to during certain situations. Instead of placing high expectations on the other person for your happiness, appreciate who they are and be surprised when they are on the same page as you instead of expecting it.
- According to blogger Melissa Dawn Lieberman: "You really can't assume that your spouse knows how you feel or what you want. You don't share the same feelings, worldview or thoughts. You might notice the dishes in the sink or remember that the kids haven't done their homework yet, but he might not. When in doubt, say it out loud."^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
EXPERT TIP

"One way that you can demonstrate love is to be open to the other person's thoughts and ideas."

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
4
Appreciate your partner, but do not spoil him/her. When you love someone, it is easy to do anything in your power to make him/her stay, even if it means breaking your own principles. Do not lose yourself trying to make the other person happy. If something impresses you, let your partner know; If something angers you, address it in a constructive manner. Loving another should not undermine who you are.
5
Find someone with similar ideals. Partners do not have to have an identical view of the world, but sharing opinions on important global topics can make for a better match. This holds especially true when dealing with gender issues such as feminism.
- According to researchers at Rutgers University, "Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality, while men with feminist partners experience more sexual satisfaction and relationship stability."^{[6]
  X
  Research source
  Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality, while men with feminist partners experience more sexual satisfaction and relationship stability}

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Making the Relationship Last

1
Spend time together. Spending time together will help form a strong bond between you and your partner, and should be used wisely. When spending time with your partner, engage in memorable, positive activities such as exercising, traveling, eating, camping, and so on rather than simply watching television.
- "Psychology Today cites several studies that report that the symptoms of physiological arousal (the type of high you get from exercise) mimic the effects of sexual and romantic arousal."^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
2
Spend time apart. Humans require a sense of autonomy and freedom, which can only be achieved if time is spent away from your partner. There will likely be interests that the two of you do not share. Pursue your interests independent of your partner, and allow him/her to do the same. Time apart will also allow you to miss one another and give perspective on how much you mean to one another.
- Giving each other space is likely to bring some couples closer together.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
3
Grow both together and separately. Many single people don't feel the need to connect until they fall in love and want to spend every waking moment with the other person. Successful relationships are all about balance. "Live a life together, but also lead your separate lives. It’s that simple."
4
Communicate with honesty and logic. Distrust and defensiveness are some of the biggest threats to a relationship, and can often be avoided. When disagreeing with your partner, actively listen instead of interrupting and try to see things from their perspective, whether or not you agree. In addition, accept that there things that you and your partner will never agree on. Instead of forcing the issue, respect the other person’s view while standing by your own.
5
Have sex as often as possible, preferably every day. According to researchers at Dartmouth University and the University of Warwick in England, it’s not as much about the sex itself, but rather the frequency is an indicator for a better relationship. ^{[9]
X
Research source}. In addition, sex has a number of mental and health benefits including:
- Boosting the immune system
- Improving libido
- Lowering brood pressure
- Lowering risk of heart disease
- Acting as a natural pain killer
- Reducing the risk of cancer
- Improving sleep
6
Look your best and be open to physical change. The gauge of a good relationship is loving one another when at your worst, but always strive to look your best. Not only will your partner appreciate the effort, but will likely be more aroused, considering this is the version of your that they fell in love with. In addition, as both of you change and age, it is important to understand that this is part of life and to still find beauty in the other despite their flaws.
7
Stay vigilant. Relationships require an immense amount of work, and achieving long-term happiness involves practicing all of these steps on a consistent basis. It is challenging to be the perfect person at all times, but relationship success hinges largely upon caring about the other person enough to try.

Warnings

You don't always have to be right. Some people are very stubborn, they always think they are right and they refuse to back down which can cause arguments and these aren't fun for anybody. It's important to accept that sometimes you are wrong and learn that it isn't needed to work yourself up over things that aren't important. This helps you to ditch the silly conflicts and focus on the really important stuff. Let each other be right sometimes and you'll both be happier.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 5 Not Helpful 1
If you partner is cruel or abusive in any way, it's time to call it quits.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 4 Not Helpful 2