How to Get Closer to Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

Having a romantic partner can be one of the happiest and most fulfilling things in your life. But sometimes, you may wish that you could be a little closer. Maybe one of you has a hard time opening up or you feel a distance growing between you. If you feel yourself wanting to get closer to your romantic partner, openly communicate your desire. Show your affection in little ways every day, and make an effort to strengthen the bond between the two of you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Improving Your Communication

1
Express your feelings directly and openly. Being close to someone requires telling them exactly what you want. Even if you think you're being obvious, many people have a hard time picking up on hints and indirect communication. You have to be willing to say what's on your mind, even if it's something that you're afraid your partner won't like.^{[1]
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- For example, you might say "I would like to be closer with you and share more of my life with you." If you feel like there's a barrier between you, or your partner is putting up a wall, you might say "I feel as though you're closed off to me, and I would like for us to get closer. Would you like to talk about it?"
- When you attempt to communicate through hints or indirect communication, you always have an out. If your partner picks up on your hint and doesn't like it, you can claim you didn't mean that at all. But even if you avoided a potential conflict, there will still be distance between you.
EXPERT TIP

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Consider seeing a therapist if communication isn't your strong suit. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner says: "I see a lot of clients, especially men, who aren't socialized to be verbally expressive, so they don't know how to do that yet. I help them figure out the steps they need to take to learn to express themselves, and when they do, they feel better about their life, and they feel more connected."
2
Maintain honesty and openness in your relationship. Lies and deceit are always a barrier to closeness. However, refusing to share pieces of your life with your partner or keeping secrets from them can be just as damaging. When they find out about something you've been keeping from them, they may wonder what else you've been hiding.^{[2]
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- For example, suppose you have a dance class twice a week, but for some reason, you don't want to tell your significant other. Maybe you think they will ridicule you. So you keep it a secret. However, by doing that you are building a wall between the two of you.
- This doesn't mean that you can't keep a birthday present or surprise party a secret. However, in that situation, you should also be aware that your partner will likely sense that you're keeping something from them, and might start to get suspicious.
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3
Listen actively to your partner and repeat back your understanding. When your partner is talking to you, stop doing other things and pay attention to them. Use statements such as "I hear you saying that..." then put what they said in your own words. If your understanding or perception isn't accurate, they can correct it. Then the two of you are both on the same page.^{[3]
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- This doesn't mean you can't ever do other things while talking to your partner. For example, they may want to chat while you're doing the dishes or making the bed. But if they want to talk about something relatively serious, stop what you're doing and listen.
- Nod and look them in the eye (if this is culturally appropriate) to communicate that you are paying attention to them.
Tip: Body language is also an important form of communication. If you're looking off into the distance, constantly checking your watch or your phone, or fidgeting, that can communicate to your partner that you are bored or uninterested in what they have to say.
4
Engage in self-disclosure to share yourself with your partner. Sharing your own inner thoughts and feelings may make you feel more vulnerable, but your partner will appreciate that you trusted them enough to share something so private and personal. Opening up in this way is a good way to get closer to your partner, as well as learning about each other.^{[4]
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- For example, you might reveal that you always cry at the beginning of the movie "Up." If your partner responds by saying "Oh, I understand. That's one of the most emotional scenes ever, and yet it's a cartoon without dialogue," then you've found a deeper emotional connection.
- You might also tell your partner about past experiences that helped shape who you are or what you believe.
- Be careful revealing too much about yourself if your partner is not reciprocating with equally intimate information about themselves. If you revealed you cry at a certain movie, for example, they might confess a movie that always makes them cry or admit that they've never cried at a movie.
5
Turn criticisms into positive statements. When you criticize your partner, you may give them the impression that you think they're not good enough for you. They may put up defensive barriers, impeding your efforts to get closer to them. Try to flip criticisms around so that you focus on what you're missing rather than what your partner is or isn't doing.^{[5]
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- For example, you might say "We have so much fun when we go out together" rather than "you never want to do anything."
- Try to use plural pronouns, such as "we" and "us," as much as possible. Singular pronouns, such as "I" and "you," verbally pit the two of you against each other. Plural pronouns emphasize that you're a team and you're in it together.
Tip: Before you criticize, find out why your partner is behaving that way. There may be a very good reason that you never would have thought of otherwise.
6
Make arguments constructive rather than destructive. When the two of you disagree about something, try to find a way to resolve the problem rather than tearing your partner down. Your goal should not be to win the argument but to move your relationship to a better place. Seek your partner's side of the story and empathize with them.^{[6]
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- Keep in mind that if you insult your partner, or lose your cool and start cursing at them, you'll likely regret it later. You could also deeply hurt them. Flying off the handle like this can also cross the line into verbal, psychological, or even physical abuse.
- If you're too upset to talk constructively, tell your partner that you need a few minutes of quiet time to calm down before you'll be able to talk about it. Then separate yourself from them for a few minutes. You could move to another room or go for a walk.
7
Remain actively curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. When you first met your significant other, you likely had a million questions for them and wanted to know everything about them. But once you've been together for a while, that curiosity can fade. You may think you already know everything about them – but you don't. Ask them how they think and feel about things rather than assuming you know.^{[7]
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- This applies to both large and small things in your life. For example, if the two of you are watching a TV show together, you might ask them which character is their favorite and why, or what the best part of the show is for them.
- Ask open-ended questions and give your partner the chance to surprise you. For example, a question such as "You like pizza, right?" is a yes/no question that doesn't give you the opportunity to learn anything new about your partner. However, if you asked "What's your favorite quick dinner?" their answer might surprise you.
8
Check in with your partner regularly about things in their life. Your significant other will feel more comfortable opening up to you and letting you get closer if you show a real interest in the things that are going on in their life. If you've made an effort to listen actively, put that knowledge to use by asking them specific questions about things they mentioned.^{[8]
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- For example, you might ask "How's your research going for your history paper?" or "Did your boss like your presentation this morning?"
- Asking generally about work or school doesn't show interest the same way. Use as many specific details as possible to indicate that you were paying attention to them and you really care about what's going on in their life.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing Your Affection

1
Respect your significant other's boundaries. Even if you want to be more physically affectionate, your significant other may not feel comfortable with touch. Listen to them when they tell you what they like and don't like, and when they feel physical affection is appropriate. Ask if there are other demonstrations of physical affection that they would be more comfortable with.^{[9]
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- For example, if you like to hold hands when the two of you are out in public, but your significant other prefers their hands to be free, they might not mind if you placed your hand lightly on the small of their back, or wrapped your arm loosely around theirs.
- If your significant other doesn't appreciate any physical affection, talk to them to try to understand why. Find out if they want to be more physically affectionate. You may be able to help them overcome whatever is standing in their way, and that could bring you closer together.
- Pushing your significant other to accept physical touch that crosses their personal boundaries is disrespectful and will push them away from you.
2
Use small, spontaneous displays of affection. Affection isn't confined to hugs, kisses, and other physical displays. Verbal affection will also warm your partner and bring them closer to you. Let them know how much you adore them by telling them directly. When your significant other does something for you, thank them for it rather than taking it for granted.^{[10]
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- If you know your significant other has something major coming up, such as a big test at school or a presentation at work, send them a little note or text message that says something like "You've got this! I believe in you!"
- Write little love notes and hide them around the house, or in your significant other's bag or clothing. For example, you might put a small note in their pants pocket that says "I'm thinking about you" or "You always bring a small to my face."
3
Give your partner your undivided attention when you're with them. Anytime you're with your partner, be with your partner – not scrolling social media on your phone or texting with other people. Let them know that when you spend time with them, they are your primary focus.^{[11]
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- If you have to check your phone, for example, because you're expecting an important email or phone call, let them know ahead of time. You might say "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to check my phone periodically. I'm expecting an urgent email" or "I'm expecting an important call, so I may have to check out briefly."
- This doesn't mean you can't watch a movie or a TV show together. But after the show ends, take some time to sit and chat about it rather than splitting off into your own separate worlds.
Tip: Body language lets your partner know that you're paying attention to them and not others. Turn towards them when you're speaking, or lean towards them and place your hand lightly on their arm or leg.
4
Do something for your significant other that you know they hate doing. Everyone has various chores that they dread. Find out which chores or tasks your significant other dislikes the most, and occasionally do them yourself without being asked. You might also help out with chores or tasks that are more cumbersome for your significant other than they are for you.^{[12]
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- For example, if you have a washer and dryer in your home but your significant other has to take their laundry to a laundromat, you might let them do their laundry at your place. This gesture not only saves them money but gives you an hour or two to spend together.
- Don't draw attention to the fact that you did the chore or imply that they should do something for you because you did something for them. Do it as a way to show your love and affection for them, not because you expect anything in return.
5
Tell your significant other specific things you appreciate about them. Focus more on things your significant other does than on aspects of their appearance. Compliment them on things they're proud of, work hard at, or feel passionate about.^{[13]
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- For example, if your significant other is learning how to play the guitar, you might say "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to learning a new instrument. Your practice is really paying off and I hear so much emotion in your playing."
- While physical compliments are nice, and everyone loves to hear that they are attractive, complimenting your significant other on something they've been working on shows that you're paying attention and you care about things that are important to them.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Strengthening Your Bond

1
Let your guard down around your significant other. To become closer to someone you love or care about, you have to be willing to be vulnerable around them. Allow them to see a side of you that no one else does. Don't be afraid to show emotion or let your partner see you when you aren't at your best.^{[14]
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- For example, if you're always neat and perfectly groomed when you see your significant other, they may think that they have to do the same. If they aren't feeling well or are having a lazy day and don't feel like getting all dressed up, they may think they can't spend time with you.
- If you never let your guard down around your partner, you'll have a hard time getting any closer to them because they can't get close to you.
2
Avoid making comparisons between you and your partner. You may be putting a lot of effort into your relationship, and it may seem to you that your partner isn't putting in any effort at all. However, you have no idea what's going on in their head or what personal barriers they've had to overcome to let you into their life.^{[15]
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- Keep in mind that your effort also may not be clear to your partner. They may think that the things you do in the relationship come easily to you, when in fact they require a lot of work.
- Being open about your own difficulties can help your partner better understand your efforts, without making them feel as though they're not doing enough.
3
Maintain your own individual activities and interests. It may seem like if you want to get closer to your significant other, you should do more things with them. But spending time apart from each other pursuing your own interests helps you build appreciation for the time you have together.^{[16]
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- For example, suppose you were taking a dance class before you started dating your significant other. After you start dating, you should do what you can to keep that class going if you find it fulfilling, rather than quitting simply because your significant other isn't interested.
- While it's great to introduce your significant other to your friends, go out with your friends occasionally without your significant other. Both of you should have individual friendships on your own that are apart from mutual friends – although this may be difficult if you met through mutual friends, or if you were friends with each other before you started dating.
- Maintaining your own individual interests can also keep you from becoming resentful of your partner. If you give up doing something that you love because they're not interested in it, you may find that you miss that activity and blame them for cutting you off from it – even if it was a decision you made voluntarily without their knowledge.
4
Accommodate your significant other's wants and needs. Being in a relationship means you likely won't always get your way. Learn to recognize when something is important to your significant other and you should sacrifice what you want to fulfill their needs. Your significant other will appreciate your selflessness and this will strengthen your relationship.^{[17]
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- For example, suppose your significant other is receiving an award and it's really important to them that you're at the ceremony, but you have other plans at that time. If you cancel your existing commitment or cut it short so you can get to the ceremony as soon as possible, your significant other will appreciate the sacrifice you made on their behalf.
- Sometimes these accommodations may relate to relatively minor or even trivial things. Taking that extra step to do things your significant other's way shows them that you're accepting them as they are and not expecting them to change for you.
Tip: Different people value different things. Something that you see as irrelevant or petty may be extremely important to your significant other. If it's important to them but doesn't matter to you, go ahead and do it their way.
5
Make an effort to include your partner's friends and family. Your significant other likely has friends and family members they care about who were part of their life before you were. If you show that you are open with them and want to get to know them, your significant other will feel as though you are becoming an integral part of their life.^{[18]
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- If you are in a situation where you can't be open about your relationship, such as if you live in a culture where dating isn't accepted, ask your partner about their friends and family instead. Encourage them to talk about the people they love and show that you are interested in them.
6
Ask your significant other for advice when you have to make a decision. When you ask your significant other to help you with something, it shows them that you respect their opinion and honor their counsel. Make it a habit to ask your significant other for advice any time you have to make a serious decision, even if you don't necessarily need their advice or have already made up your mind.^{[19]
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- For example, if you're trying to decide between two job offers, you might say "So, you know both Alpha and Omega extended my job offers. I've made a list of pros and cons for each job, and I'd really like your input."
- If you think you've already decided what you're going to do, you might say "I have to decide between going on vacation with my family or staying at home. I'm leaning towards going with them, but I'd like to know what you think before I make up my mind."
- Follow up with your significant other when you make your final decision. If you didn't follow their advice, explain why you decided to go in a different way.