How to Be a Loner and Be Happy About It

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: September 16, 2021 References Approved

It is estimated that up to half the population is made up of introverted people (sometimes referred to as “loners”).^{[1]
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Research source} Despite this statistic, society seems to make those of us that would prefer to spend time alone feel as though we are somehow wrong. Fortunately, the truth of that matter is that many people enjoy being loners, and would rather curl up on the couch to watch a movie than go out to a huge party. If you are a loner, take steps to accept this about yourself, find ways to spend time alone, and learn to enjoy going out to do things alone. You will realize that you are okay just the way you are and that there are many others out there that are just the same.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Being Happy as a Loner

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Think about why you enjoy being alone. If you start feeling as though maybe you should just try harder to be more social or worried that maybe there is something wrong with you, just remind yourself of the reasons that you enjoy being alone. If you need to you can make a list of the reasons that spending time alone makes you happy. You can refer back to this list whenever you start feeling insecure.^{[2]
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- For example, for many “loners,” spending time alone allows them to “recharge their batteries” by engaging in some creative activity or simply relaxing with a good book.
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Value your strengths. Some people may see extroversion as the ideal personality. However, more and more research is pointing out the value of introversion. For example, some research is finding that introverts can be great leaders because they tend to be better at letting those below them have a bit more room to try out new ideas, and are better at listening to others.^{[3]
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- An extrovert is a person who relies on social interaction and novel experience for their energy, while an introvert is someone who is more inward focused. An introvert needs time alone and often feels drained by intense social interaction.^{[4]
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- There is also a strong link between being introverted and being creative. Remember that many famous artists, writers, and scientists are believed to be loners, such as J.K. Rowling, Emily Dickinson, and Isaac Newton.
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Accept yourself for who you are. One key thing you must do in order to become happy about being a loner is accept yourself as you are. You can certainly do things to become more social if you want to. However, if you are truly happiest when you are alone, why try to do something different?
- When you find yourself being self-critical, try to change your way of thinking from negative to positive. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “people think I'm such a loser because I don't like to go to parties” remind yourself of why going to parties is difficult for you. For example, “I know people don't understand how exhausting a big party is for me, but staying at home makes me feel happy so I shouldn't worry about what they think.”
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Learn what you can from critics, and ignore the rest. Dealing with people who criticize you can be tough. Especially if the person criticizing your habits is someone you really care about. At some point, someone may give you a hard time about preferring to spend time alone. Take time to determine whether or not there is something you can learn from them, or whether they simply can't understand why you enjoy being alone because they are not like you.
- They may tell you that you're not trying hard enough to be social or that there is something wrong with you. If you think the person criticizing you is really trying to help then hear them out.
- If the person criticizing you is someone you care about, then you might want to try and explain that this is who you are and that you need time by yourself to recharge. For example, you might say something like, "Going to parties and having a lot of friends is your thing. I'm happy the way I am and I enjoy my life."
- If someone you don't know well or someone who's opinion you don't value, then just brush off the criticism. Remember that what they say is a reflection of their own thoughts and beliefs, not an indication of what is right and what is wrong.
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Nurture the relationships that are valuable to you. Although you may be a loner, you may also have one or two good friends or family members that you rely on for social support. Spend time nurturing these relationships so that you will have the social support you need when things get tough.
- If you don't have any friends and don't feel that you need any, then don't worry about it. However, try to have at least one person (such as a family member) that you feel like you can rely on when/if a tough time arises.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding and Spending Time Alone

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Disconnect from social media. If you spend lots of time looking at various social media outlets then try to limit yourself. There is plenty of evidence that social media causes us to compare our lives to those we see on social media, which often leaves us feeling somehow inadequate.^{[6]
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- When you do look at social media, remember that people are only posting the best moments from their day, and they may even be exaggerating in their posts.
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Make a space that is just for you. If you live with other people you probably have a bedroom that is just for you. You can make this your own space and fill it with things that make you feel safe and happy. If you have to share your room with siblings or roommates, then finding a solitary place can be a bit tricky. In this case, maybe there is a closet or a small space where nobody goes that you can use to get some time alone.
- You can also find a place outside the home that will provide you with solitude. There is no guarantee that you won't encounter another person, but a park often offers a good place to go where no one will bother you.
- If you have your own room where you can be alone, close your door when you need alone time. If that doesn't deter people then place a sign on your door that says you are not to be disturbed.
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Get up early or go to bed later. If you can't seem to find some quiet alone time in your home and you can't find a nearby place outside the home, try getting up an hour or two earlier than everyone else. If that isn't an option, try going to bed a bit later. Hopefully this will give you at least a few minutes to enjoy being alone without being bothered by parents, siblings, and/or roommates.^{[7]
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- Be careful with this step though. Getting up earlier or going to bed later may mean getting fewer hours of sleep. Sleep is important for staying physically and emotionally healthy so don't give up too many hours in the name of solitude.
- Use this time to do whatever makes you happy. For example, do something creative, meditate, or get some work done that you aren't able to do when everyone is up and about.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Going Out Alone

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Go do something you enjoy. As a loner, it can sometimes be hard to get out of the house as you may wonder what you can do by yourself without feeling weird. However, if you think about it you will find that there are lots of things you can go do alone to have some fun.
- Going to the movies is a great thing to do alone. Find a movie you've been wanting to see, pick up some popcorn, and enjoy the film. Going to the movies with people is all well and good, but when you think about it, it seems a bit silly since you don't talk to each other the whole time the movie is showing anyways.
- Try out different coffee shops. Coffee shops have become very popular in the past few years, so there are more and more popping up every day. Take a book or, if you like drawing, a sketchpad. Order a nice coffee or tea, and just enjoy a few hours out of the house.
- Try out a restaurant you've been interested in. If there is a restaurant you're interested in, there is no reason you should feel embarrassed to go alone. If you're worried that people will stare at you, try to go during an off-peak time.
- Go for a walk or a run. Another great thing to do alone is just to go out and enjoy nature. Go for a walk or jog in a nearby park and you'll be doing something good for you and your health.
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Carry a book or wear headphones. One part of going out in public that can make a loner feel nervous is the possibility that someone will try to chat casually with you. If you want to avoid this, put on a pair of headphones or have a book to read while you are waiting around or riding public transport. This will discourage people from engaging in idle chat.
- This doesn't guarantee that no one will talk to you. Some especially outgoing people are hard to deter. If someone talks to you and you aren't interested in the conversation, keep your answers short and don't ask questions that will encourage the conversation.
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Enjoy the moment. If you are not used to going out by yourself to do things, you might feel as though everyone is staring at you, which will distract you from enjoying what you are doing. Try to remember that it is unlikely that anyone is truly interested in what you are doing or why you are doing it. As you spend more and more time outside the house by yourself, you'll come to realize that most people are just trying to get on with their day. Although it will take some practice, when you go out to do something, focus on how you're feeling about what you're doing instead of on what you think everyone around you is feeling.
- If you aren't able to focus on yourself you may find the experience of going out alone just as draining as going with other people.
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Try to chat with someone you don't know every once in awhile. Depending on your work or school setting it may be very easy for you to go days or weeks without talking to anyone. For example, if you work from home you may not have to talk to anyone at all. While this may be comfortable for you, there is evidence that socializing is good for everyone (even loners) from time to time.^{[8]
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- It doesn't have to be a huge conversation. You can simply chat with someone in your class or at a coffee shop for a few minutes. For example, you can bring up how tough that last test was with a classmate, or you can ask the barista about her favorite beverage to make.

Warnings

Find your own way to be social, whatever that may be. There is a big difference between being a loner and being lonely, but not having a social support system to rely on can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Make sure that you have someone you can rely on in times of need.^{[10]
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