How to Call a Parent to Apologize

Last Updated: May 6, 2021

It can be tough to apologize to a parent. No matter what, at some point in your life, you will have to apologize to your parents for something. It's even harder to do over the phone. This article will show you how.

Steps

1
Know what you did wrong. By reflecting on what you did and knowing what specifically you've done wrong, you can show that you are actually sorry. Sorry means nothing unless you're willing to learn from the situation you're apologizing for.
2
Create the right mindset. Let go of past resentments - forgive or forget. This is a sign of maturity and distinguishes you from a great individual who is free from negative energy.^{[1]
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3
Decide on what you are going to say. Be ready to face any frustration with courage and calmness.
4
Make sure your apology is sincere and shows your reflection. Hearing a non-apology is worse than no apology at all. A non-apology is an "apology" that sounds as if it is blaming the other person, such as, "I'm sorry you got mad," which places the blame on the other person for getting mad. Apologize for what you did, and avoid placing the blame on the other person. It is recommended that you use "I" statements. For example, say something like, "I was wrong to break the lamp. I was really angry, but that's no excuse to break something. I'm really sorry."^{[2]
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5
Figure out if your parent is a night or morning person. Don't call at night if they're a morning person, and don't call in the morning if they always wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Also avoid calling them during times you know are busy for them.
6
Avoid interrupting what the parent is doing. If you know they're out doing something, like going to the movies or shopping, hold off on calling. If you don't live with them, it's harder to know, so answer with, "Hi, Mom/Dad, are you busy right now?" If they are, ask when you can call back.
7
Plan what you would like to say in your apology and speak clearly. Instead of saying, "Um, I'm sorry 'cause I made you mad, and... um... sorry," say, "I've thought about my actions and I've realized that I was wrong for the way I acted. I want to apologize. In the future, I will try my best to keep my feelings and actions under control."
8
Avoid turning the table on the other person after apologizing. Don't say, "I'm sorry for stealing your bracelet, but this never would've happened if you kept it somewhere else!" If you have to mention something, it's best to keep it about how they can help you deal with whatever problem you had. Remember to stay tactful.^{[3]
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9
Sound courteous and sweet, avoiding defensive, accusatory, or frustrated tones. If you find that you're still angry about what happened, try cooling down some more before you call them. Try asking if you can calmly and blamelessly discuss the situation after apologizing, so that you both can better deal with similar situations in the future.
10
Tell them you love them. It's always nice to remind them that you don't hate them just because of some silly argument or a stupid action of yours. It also aids with cooling down a situation.
11
Take steps to stop that behavior from happening in the future. Sorry is meaningless if you're going to keep doing it and don't learn from your actions.
12
Listen to everything they have to say without getting defensive. Honestly listen and consider whether what they're saying is true. If it is, then acknowledge it and keep note of it. If it isn't, consider calmly explaining your side. If they're adamant about something that just isn't true, say something like, "I'll be more aware of what I say and do in the future."^{[4]
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13
Get your parent to understand your reasoning. If you help them understand what you're thought process was upon an action, they will not only be more likely to forgive you but will understand you more. Note-justifying an action is entirely different than explaining it.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why is it important to apologize?

Chandler Chang, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Chandler Chang is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the Founder & Owner of Golden Hour Therapy and Therapy Lab, and a Clinical Instructor at the University of Southern California. With nearly 20 years of experience, she specializes in providing evidence-based, science-backed treatments to toddlers, children, teens, families, and adults to target specific mental health problems or cultivate mental wellness. Dr. Chang earned a BA from Princeton University and a PhD in Psychology from The University of Georgia. She completed UCLA's pre-doctoral internship and trained at NYU’s Child Study Center and UGA Regents Center for Learning Disorders.

Chandler Chang, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Apologizing is a good life skill—it can really build trust in relationships if you can accept faults in a situation where you've made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, and being willing to own those mistakes and be vulnerable is great for any relationship, whether it's with your parents, a friend, or a partner.

Warnings

Apologize because you mean to, not because you expect an apology in return.

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Sometimes parents don't always react the way you expect them to, and it can take some time for them to forgive you and for you to earn their trust back. Some are stubborn and don't listen. Tailor your apology and message to how you feel your parent would receive it best.

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