How to Deal with Fake Friends

Co-authored by Nancy Lin, PhD

Last Updated: December 11, 2022 Approved

Fake friendships can sometimes be difficult to spot, as people who are fake friends tend to be very good at manipulation and deceit. Friendships where you do not feel your needs are fully supported or acknowledged are usually fake. In some situations, you may have to deal with a fake friend. This may be a person you work with or someone in your social group. Try to interact with these people in a way that does not exhaust you emotionally. Work on identifying troublesome behavior and disengaging with it. If the friendship is becoming too much, find a way to gracefully end the relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Interacting with Fake Friends

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Set limits regarding time and emotional space. It's not always realistic to give a fake friend a lot of your time and energy. Be aware of how much you can tolerate this person and manage your time with them accordingly.^{[1]
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- Give carefully in your relationships. You should not give someone a heavy amount of time or consideration if they consistently violate your boundaries, blow you off, or otherwise disrespect you. Fake friends tend to engage in these behaviors.
- You are not required to respect someone who does not respect you. If a fake friend is difficult to make plans or spend time with, it's okay to disengage. You can still be around this person, especially if you have to in groups, but it's okay to stop reaching out on a one-to-one level or engaging this friend's drama. You should focus your emotional energy on true friends.
- Try to surround yourself with people who have the same values as you.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}
2
Have realistic expectations regarding a fake friend's behavior. Fake friends are unlikely to change their behavior, and in some cases may eventually turn into outright bullies. Therefore, manage your expectations carefully when interacting with a fake friend. Keep in mind this interaction may very likely be negative. Preparing yourself for bad behavior can help you feel less stung or confused when it occurs.^{[3]
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- If your friend Samantha consistently gives backhanded compliments or subtly puts you down, expect as much when you're getting drinks with her. Say to yourself, "This is just how Samantha is."
- Try not to want too much from this person. If you were invested in the relationship, and it turned out to be fake, this can be a major letdown. However, it's important you accept you cannot rely on this person for your emotional fulfillment or wellbeing.
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3
Monitor the nature of the friendship over time. Fake friendships can take an ugly turn at times and may be difficult to manage longterm. Consistently take stock of a fake friend's behavior. Watch for signs that the behavior is becoming worse, to the point it borders on bullying.^{[4]
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- You should periodically take stock of a fake friend's behavior. Ask yourself if their behavior has made you more uncomfortable or stressed lately. Has this friend been getting increasingly difficult to deal with? Is this person creating more drama for you and your other friends?
- Friendships do change over time. It's possible a fake friend will change over a long period of time. Fake friends can turn into true friends over time. It's important to take stock of any changes in your relationship. If you feel someone is becoming a better friend, you may be able to continue to have this person in your life.
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Make sure you care for your own emotional needs. When dealing with fake friends, it's easier to put your needs and wants on hold. You may find yourself bending over backwards to accommodate someone who is difficult to please. If you're having more bad times with a person than good times, make sure to put your emotional needs first. It's okay to temporarily disengage altogether, or simply give this person slightly less time and energy, if the relationship is becoming too exhausting for you.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Becoming Aware of Troublesome Behavior

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Identify what behaviors are unacceptable for you. You should not engage with people who treat you in a manner you find personally unacceptable. When coping with fake friends, work on identifying what behaviors you will not tolerate. If your fake friends behave in these ways, disengage with them right away. You can identify unacceptable behaviors by the way they make you feel.
- An unacceptable behavior might be splurging a secret that you shared in confidence.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}
- If you continually experience arguments with this person that are not resolved, they may be seriously violating your boundaries. A fake friend may negate how you feel regarding their treatment, and insist you're being hypersensitive.
- You should also not tolerate any behavior that makes you feel tense, anxious, or uncomfortable. Behaviors that hurt your self-esteem or sense of self-worth are also unacceptable.
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Watch for signs of bullying. Fake friends can sometimes cross the line from frenemies or competitive friends to outright bullies. If a relationship has become bullying in nature, it's important you strongly consider ending it. Learn and watch for the signs of bullying in a friendship.^{[7]
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- Bullies tend to have very low self-esteem. Therefore, they seek out people to dump their insecurities and frustrations on. If a friend is becoming a bully, he or she will be increasingly critical of you. He or she may also become temperamental and consistently say and do things that hurt your feelings.
- It can be hard to tell when someone has crossed the line into bullying, but it's important to be vigilant. Bullies can do great damage to self-esteem over time. Pay attention to how someone treats you. If they repetitively violate your boundaries and do not offer an apology, this person is probably bullying you. These kinds of relationships are usually best severed.
3
Pay attention to how real friends treat you. You want to identify true friends so you can better identify the poor behavioral patterns of fake friends. True friends are genuinely caring and supportive. They can help you identify how you deserve to be treated.^{[8]
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- A friend should make you feel consistently happy. Friends should be exciting to be around and should always be kind and respectful of your boundaries. Unlike fake friends, friends value you simply for being the person you are. They do not expect you to be anyone you're not.
- Friends may offer constructive feedback on occasion, or let you know when they're worried or concerned about your behavior. Unlike fake friends, however, friends do not actively want you to feel bad. They just want what's best for you and always speak out of genuine concern for your wellbeing.
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Watch for co-dependency. Fake friends are often co-dependent people. They may be manipulative emotionally. They crave friendships for their own sense of stability and do not understand how to truly value others. You may not notice someone is a fake friend as codependency can often be masked as love or concern, and is rarely aggressive. If you're in a codependent, somewhat fake friendship, you need to take steps to address the issue.^{[9]
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- A codependent friend will rarely be directly assertive. In fact, they may often agree to do what you want to do. However, later on there will be consequences for their compliance. They may complain later about disliking the things you did together and may begin to make increasingly unreasonable demands during social events.
- A codependent friend will have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions. They may lash out at you or deny culpability if you call them out on the ways they hurt you.
- If you're in a codependent relationship, you need to strongly consider whether this relationship is worth your time. Codependent relationships can be exhausting and, in the long run, damaging.
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Protect yourself from emotional blackmail. Fake friends will often engage in behaviors known as emotional blackmail. It's very important to tune out this kind of behavior and focus on your own sense of happiness and security. Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which someone uses anger, rage, or shame to get you to behave the way they want.^{[10]
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- Fake friends can be particularly savvy at emotional blackmail, as they may hide negative comments under the guise of compliments. For example, you may do something your friend dislikes and he or she may say, "I really thought you were better than that. I can't believe you of all people would engage in that kind of behavior."
- Emotional blackmailers may also threaten you with anger or warnings if you don't behave the way they want. For example, your friend may say something like, "I don't know what I'll do if you don't come to this party with me. Your rejection may sting so much I'll end up drinking too much." Emotional blackmailers try to make you feel like you are responsible for their behavior.
- If someone is blackmailing you emotionally, do not engage. End conversations that are manipulative in nature and refuse to return texts or emails attempting to blackmail you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Setting Boundaries when Necessary

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Be aware of yourself and your needs. The first step to setting healthy boundaries is being aware of your own needs in a relationship.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Nancy Lin, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.} Everyone has certain rights going into a relationship or friendship. Identify what your rights are so you can decide whether or not a fake friend is worth your time.
- What makes you feel comfortable in a relationship? What do you look for when seeking out a friend? Is it shared interests, kindness, compassion? Does this person meet those qualities?
- Does this person violate your boundaries? Are they not concerned with you and your emotional wellbeing? You may need someone in your life capable of more compassion than a fake friend.
- Setting boundaries really helps you develop a sense of self-compassion and self-worth.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}
2
Decide whether the friendship is worth keeping. It's not always worth it to keep up with a fake friendship. It's okay to walk away if someone's behavior is becoming increasingly troublesome for you.
- Think about the effect this relationship has had on your self-esteem. Do you feel worse about yourself when you're around this person? Have you internalized some of their criticisms and complaints about you?
- Do you ever actually want to see this person anymore? You may be hanging out due to a sense of obligation. You may also find yourself feeling tense going into meetings with this person. If this is the case, this may be a fake friendship.
3
Figure out a graceful way to end a toxic friendship. If you've determined this friendship is not worth keeping, find a graceful way to end it. You should let this person know directly you no longer want him or her in your life.
- While it may feel cold, it may be easier to send a text or email. This can be especially helpful if the person in question is stressful to be around. You do not have to be caustic or lay out a list of grievances. A simple email should be sufficient. Try saying something like, "I'm sorry, but I don't think this friendship is really working for either one of us."
- Keep your emotions in check. Even if you're right to feel you were being treated poorly, blaming can escalate the situation. You want to get out with as clean a break as possible and avoid unnecessary drama and animosity.
4
Lessen contact with fake friends without terminating the relationship. You may not need to end every fake friendship.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Nancy Lin, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.} If this is someone you have to see on occasion, cutting ties may not be realistic. You may have mutual friends, for example, or you may work together. Simply accept this is not someone you will see frequently one-on-one. Do not invite the person out to hang out with just you, or to attend smaller get-togethers. Keep him or her on the periphery of your life.^{[14]
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