This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article has 17 testimonials from our readers, earning it our reader-approved status.
This article has been viewed 436,496 times.
Figuring out whether you have romantic feelings for a friend is a tough, confusing situation. Try to sort out your emotions and reflect on why you’re attracted to them. Your close friends and family can help you figure things out, too. Look for tell-tale signs, like feeling jealous, thinking about them constantly, and finding their annoying habits adorable. Imagine asking them out, being physically intimate, and dating them. These thought experiments can help you gauge your feelings and decide if pursuing a relationship would be worth risking your friendship.
Steps
Sorting out Your Feelings
-
1Ask yourself if you just want a relationship. Try to be honest with yourself and reflect on whether you just want the attention and affection that comes with a relationship. It’s easy to get confused about true romantic feelings, and it’s completely normal to feel lonely or want validation.[1]
- Ask yourself if your feelings are really focused on this specific person. Can picture yourself together as a couple, and do you only see yourself being with them?
-
2Think about what kind of attraction you feel. You choose to be friends with someone because you're attracted to them. However, being attracted to someone as a friend is different than romantic or physical attraction.[2]
- Ask yourself if you just enjoy their company or want a deeper emotional connection. If you want a deeper connection, is that feeling constant or does it come and go?
- If you find them physically attractive, figure out if it’s subjective or objective. Do you think that they’re good looking? Do you actually want to be physically intimate with them? Or is it more general, like “I can see why someone would think they’re hot.”
Advertisement -
3Talk to someone you trust. Ask your close friends about their experiences with having romantic feelings. Try to use their perspectives on love and romance to sort out your own situation. See if your feelings have anything in common with how they describe falling for someone.[3]
- You could also reach out to a parent or sibling for advice.
Spotting Tell-Tale Signs
-
1Pay attention to how your mood changes when you’re with them. If your world suddenly becomes technicolor and you want to burst with joy when they walk in the room, you probably have romantic feelings. Having a tangled ball of feelings is a sign of romantic interest, too. Just thinking about them might make you feel excitement, anticipation, butterflies, longing, and nervousness all at the same time.[4]
- If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to clear your mind and reflect on your emotions. Imagine that your feelings are like a pie. As you slice into it, think of each slice as a distinct emotion and identify it.
- When in doubt, trust your gut. If one person dramatically affects your mood and emotions more than your other close friends, there’s a good chance you have romantic feelings for them.
- View the attraction in the context of your life. Are you going through a rough patch or separation with a current partner? This makes you more vulnerable to emotional swings and changing feelings than normal.
-
2Look out for feelings of jealousy. Jealousy is a sure sign that you want to be more than just friends.[5] Do you feel possessive, sad, or angry when you see your friend acting flirty with someone else? If they have a significant other, do you resent them, if even on a subconscious level?
-
3Keep track of how much time you spend together. Spending as much time together as possible is a pretty good indicator of romantic feelings. Preferring to be alone with them instead of in a group is an even stronger sign.[6]
- When you’re at a party or group gathering together, do you try to ditch the others so you can be alone with your friend?
-
4Notice how often you think about them. If every little thing reminds you of them, you probably have it bad. Keep track of your thoughts, and take note when you wonder what they’re doing right now, think about their hair or other little detail, or get the urge to text or call them.[7]
-
5Take note if you overlook their flaws. Positive illusions, or having a heightened opinion of someone, is a natural part of romantic attraction. For instance, your mutual friends might tease your potential crush about being goofy or always running late, but you think it’s the most adorable thing in the world.[8]
Trying Thought Experiments
-
1Try to relax and clear your mind. Sit in a quiet place free of distractions so you can focus on your feelings. When you imagine each scenario, be honest with yourself and listen to your instincts.
-
2Imagine what it would be like to confess your feelings. Think about how you would you go about telling your friend that you have deeper feelings. Picture what you’d say, how nervous you’d feel, and what their reaction might be.
- If you get really nervous just thinking about it, you probably have deeper feelings.
- Think about how telling them would affect your friendship. Even if you do have romantic feelings for them, ask yourself if your friendship is more important than getting those feelings off of your chest.
- Examine if you have any indication that the other person feels the way you do. If not, consider how their knowing you do will change the friendship.
-
3Imagine going on dates together. How would your dates be different than when you hang out as friends? Do you ever imagine or wish that you’re on a date instead of just hanging out as friends? If you do, you can be sure that you have deeper feelings for your friend.
- Weigh the pros and cons, and try to decide if dating them would justify risking your friendship. Even if you have romantic feelings for them, you might want to move on if you think dating them wouldn’t be as fulfilling as your connection as friends.
- On the other hand, if you visualize dating them and it blows your connection as friends out of the water, a deep, long-term romantic relationship might be worth the risk.
-
4Visualize being physically intimate with them. If you haven’t already, think about kissing them, holding them, and other forms of physical intimacy. Are you sexually attracted to them? Do you feel emotionally connected to them, too? Does it feel right, or is it just too weird?
- It’s normal to feel physically attracted to someone without having romantic feelings for them. When imagining physical intimacy, try to decide whether you just think your friend is hot or if a physical act would involve a deeper emotional connection.[9]
-
5Imagine them breaking up with you. Nobody likes getting dumped, but think about how it would make you feel. Do you think you could go back to just being friends? If you do have deeper feelings for your friend, do you think they’d still be a part of your life after a potential breakup?
- You can’t predict the future, but try to be honest with yourself and your emotions. If you don’t think you could handle being friends with someone after a breakup, ask yourself if it’s more important to act on your feelings or to preserve an important friendship.
Warnings
- Think carefully about whether it is worth jeopardizing your friendship to follow up on an attraction, especially if either of you are committed to another relationship.⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/the-psychology-of-backburner-relationships/381848/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/attraction-just-between-friends
- ↑ https://m.kidshealth.org/en/kids/crushes.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201406/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201406/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love
- ↑ https://www.beautyandtips.com/relationship-advice-2/10-signs-that-you-start-liking-him-more-than-simply-a-friend/
- ↑ https://www.self.com/story/26-signs-youre-really-into-someone
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/how-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/attraction-just-between-friends
About This Article
To know if you like your friend romantically, think about how your mood changes when you’re around them, since feeling excited, nervous, and happy might indicate that you like them as more than a friend. If you find them attractive, ask yourself if this makes you want to be closer to them, which is a common sign of romance. Another big sign that you like someone more than a friend is if you feel jealous or sad when other people spend time with them or flirt with them. A good exercise you can try is to imagine kissing your friend. If this feels weird, you might just like them as a friend, but if it feels nice, you probably have more romantic feelings for them. For more tips from our co-author, including how to tell someone about your romantic feelings, read on!
