How to Deal with a Friend's Rude Spouse

Co-authored by Alyssa Chang

Last Updated: December 6, 2021 References

While handling rudeness with a close friend can usually be resolved with a candid talk, the resolution isn’t so obvious when the rude person is your friend’s husband or wife. This is a tricky situation to navigate because saying or doing the wrong thing could jeopardize your friendship. Deal with a friend’s rude spouse by managing your reaction when rudeness occurs and figuring out why it happens—all while taking strides to protect your friendship in the process.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Dealing with Rudeness in the Moment

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Ignore one-off comments. In some cases, a person is only rude because of a particular situation. For instance, your friend’s spouse may be running late for a meeting or tired from a long night. If their rudeness is unusual, try to be compassionate and remember that everybody is rude sometimes.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Expert Interview. 16 October 2019.}
- If being rude isn’t typically your friend’s spouse’s style, simply shrug off the remark and act like it didn’t happen. However, if this is merely one incident in a stream of insults or offenses, you may choose to not ignore the slight.^{[2]
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- In fact, even if the rudeness is customary treatment, ignoring them still may be a good idea. Research shows that the silent treatment is the best solution for coping with rude people.^{[3]
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  Research source} Do your best not to internalize their remarks or mistreatment of you! Remind yourself that their comment was about them and whatever they are going through.
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Let the person know you disapprove. If the comment was directed at you, and you find it impossible to ignore, share your opinion. But, do so with care. Tell your friend’s spouse how you disapprove of the remark, and offer a polite alternative for how they should treat you in the future.
- Imagine that your best friend’s spouse called you a prude. You might say, “Well, that was rude, and really none of your business. I’d appreciate it if you kept your opinions about my sex life to yourself from now on.” Then, you might redirect the conversation to a new subject to prevent any conflict from escalating.
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Be cordial. Put simply, you don’t owe your friend’s rude spouse anything. But, you do owe your friend the courtesy of trying to show their spouse respect. If you are of the opinion that the spouse is rude and ill-mannered, maintain surface-level interactions with them at most.^{[4]
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- Keep your dialogue with your friend’s spouse short and sweet. Stick to commonplace greetings and phrases like “Hello,” “Thanks,” and “See you around.” If you are displeased by their behavior, there’s no need to try to be their friend.
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Leave the environment if you feel uncomfortable. Just as you probably care to show respect to your friendship, you also have the right to respect yourself and get some distance. If every time you come around, you have to witness impolite language or behavior, remove yourself from the environment.^{[5]
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- If your friend asks what’s up, offer your excuse in a gentle way like “I'm going to leave now, Betty. I feel uncomfortable with Tommy's comments. I'll see you next time.”
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Consider your expectations. If you expect your friend’s spouse to treat you in a certain way, and those expectations are not met, then you might unfairly attribute intentional rudeness to them. To prevent this from happening, reflect on your expectations and see if you can adjust them to be more realistic.
- For example, if your friend’s spouse is usually rude, then you might go into any situation where they will be present with low expectations for how they will behave. This way, you will not be as disappointed as you might be if you set high expectations for the situation.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Learning Tactics to Deal with Rude People

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Observe their interactions with others. Trying to find out whether your friend’s spouse’s rudeness is contextual or merely a part of their personality? See how they behave in other environments around different people. Doing this can help you understand how to interact with the person without having the rudeness affect you negatively.
- Watch how the spouse communicates with your friend. Are they ever rude to them, too? What about with their children? In-laws? Coworkers? Neighbors? Complete strangers?
- Now, notice how others interact with the person. Do they keep their exchanges short and simple? Do they simply ignore any rude comments like they didn't happen. It can be helpful to follow suit and do the same around the person.^{[6]
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  Research source} Remember that it is not your job to change or "fix" that person, or your friend's marriage for that matter.
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Empathize. One powerful aspect of being around a person who is rude is knowing you have a choice in how you react. Of course, you can be rude in return. But, you can also choose to show kindness and compassion to the person. Break the cycle by trying to empathize with your friend's spouse.^{[7]
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- For example, if you hear your friend's wife make a rude comment about how the family doesn't help with the household work, you might ask, "What's wrong, Rachel?" Engage her in conversation. She may be acting rude because she is ignored by the rest of her family and simply wants some validation.
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Get a second opinion. If the way your friend’s spouse behaves makes you uncomfortable, talk to a trusted loved one about it. It may help to choose someone who also knows this person so that you can get their opinion on the behavior.
- Reach out to your partner, other friends, or family and share your concerns. You might say, “I felt that Walsh was especially rude tonight. Did you notice his behavior, or was it just me?” Be very careful about the person you choose to confide in. Otherwise, what you say may turn into gossip and may even damage your relationship with your friend.
- Their reaction can help you judge whether this was a one-off or if it’s a personality trait. In some cases, you may even realize that you were simply being sensitive to a comment that was meant to be light-hearted or humorous.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Protecting Your Friendship

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Refrain from complaining to your friend. If your friend’s spouse’s rudeness results in you liking him less and less, keep your opinion to yourself. It won’t help matters to go venting to your friend about their spouse. In fact, doing so could serve to create a wedge between the two of you.^{[8]
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- If you just have to vent your frustration about his rude behavior to someone, do so with someone who is unbiased. While you can choose to vent to others who know him, if they disagree about your critique of him, you can cause conflict in these relationships, too.
- Instead pick a coworker or different friend and complain about how rude he is. These people can offer you the support or validation you crave without jeopardizing any relationships.
- However, keep in mind that you may become resentful over time that your friend does not stand up for you. Sometimes an empathetic discussion about how you'd like to limit exposure to their spouse is a good idea. Just make sure that it is constructive and centered on problem-solving. People typically know when they have rude spouses and can be understanding.
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Plan one-on-one visits without the spouse. If he is rude particularly to you or to everyone in general, limit the amount of time you have to spend with him. If you dread going to your friend’s house, start inviting them to yours. If they always want to plan double dates, tell them that you really want to spend more time with them alone.
- To prevent any tension and protect yourself from his rudeness, aim for more time spend with your friend on their own.^{[9]
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Try not to let it reflect your impression of your friend. It’s easy to pull away from your friend because you can’t stand to be around their rude spouse. Try not to allow the spouse’s behavior to negatively impact your friendship. Remember, you don’t have to like their spouse or agree with their behavior.^{[10]
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Research source} Your obligations as a friend are to your friend only. So, do your best to buffer any awkwardness by spending more time with them alone, if necessary.
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Share your feelings only if you think your friend is being disrespected. It can be hard to stand by and watch someone you care about get mistreated. If your friend often takes own a lot of the harsh comments of their spouse, pull them aside and share your concerns. Resist the temptation to tell them what to do. Just let them know you noticed their discomfort, and you are there for them.
- You might say, “Peter was really hard on you earlier. I think you did a great job preparing the meal for the church” or “Don’t take what Jessica says to heart. Many of us think you’re great with the kids. I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

Expert Q&A

Question

What do you do when you don't like your friend's husband?

Alyssa Chang
Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer
Alyssa Chang is a nutrition coach and trainer, based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She uses her extensive background in brain-based neuroscience to work with clients on improving their connections with their brain and body to heal, reach goals, and move pain-free. She holds a BS in Kinesiology and Exercise, Nutrition and Wellness from the California State University, East Bay and is certified in Precision Nutrition, Z-health Performance and is certified by the National Council for Strength and Fitness.

Alyssa Chang

Wellness Coach & Personal Trainer

Expert Answer

Try to understand that we all are basically trying to do the best we can every single day. We can't control other people's reactions, however, we can understand that the other one is try their best so we can be more empathetic and understanding.