How to Deal with an Ex Who Seems Fine After Your Breakup

Co-authored by Amy Chan

Last Updated: February 18, 2023

Handling a breakup can be difficult for both people. There may be unresolved issues or leftover feelings. It can be especially hard if it seems like your ex is coping with the breakup just fine when you aren’t. You may wonder how to handle your feelings about the breakup and how to handle seeing your ex seem fine. You may want to know how you can also move on and be okay. You can not only seem fine like your ex, but actually be fine after your breakup. Deal with an ex who seems fine after your breakup by handling interactions with your ex appropriately, focusing on yourself, and moving on after the breakup.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Handling Interactions with Your Ex

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Accept that they’re okay. You may have trouble understanding or accepting that your ex seems okay after the breakup if the breakup was difficult for you. You may want to know that they are as miserable as you are. Instead, you can deal with your ex a lot better and handle interactions with them if you accept the fact that they seem fine with the breakup.
- If someone tells you that your ex is doing okay or if you see your ex and they seem okay, then just be happy for them. For example, if a friend says, “Ashley seems cool after the breakup”, you could say, “Okay, that’s good. That makes me happy.”
- Unless you are prepared to hear that they are happy without you, avoid asking your ex if they are really doing okay or happy since the breakup. You might not like their response.
- Keep in mind that just because your ex seems fine doesn’t mean that’s necessarily the case. Your ex may just be acting that way so you don’t know how upset they are.
EXPERT TIP

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach

Letting go is the only way to heal. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says: "When you're hurting from a breakup, it can feel even worse when your ex appears to be doing just fine. It can be even more hurtful if they meet someone else. You have every right to feel hurt, sad, angry, and even resentful. But if you want to move forward, you have to focus your energy on yourself, and not on the person who hurt you."
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Give them space. You can deal with an ex who seems fine after your breakup by keeping your distance.^{[1]
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Research source} You don’t have to avoid them like the plague, but do make sure that you aren’t going out of your way to interact with them.
- Avoid trolling their social networking profiles looking for new posts and pictures. For instance, you should resist checking their Facebook profile daily to see if their relationship status has changed.
- Don’t call, text, or message your ex unless you have a legitimate reason. For example, calling because you have a child together is a legitimate reason. Calling because you saw your ex’s favorite car isn’t.
EXPERT TIP

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach

Avoiding contact can make it easier to heal. Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, says: "Before you look at old photos or check your ex's Instagram, ask yourself, 'Am I being kind to myself right now?' You already know the answer. During the initial phase of separation, the more you can decrease your exposure to your ex, the easier it will be to move on."

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Be respectful. Depending on the circumstances of the breakup, you may have some built up anger or resentment toward your ex. When you have interactions with your ex and they seem fine after the breakup you will be able to handle it if you remain respectful. You should also be respectful when you are talking to other people about your ex.
- Avoid yelling, screaming, crying or making a scene when you are interacting with your ex. For example, don’t walk up to them and start calling them names.
- Talk to your ex in a calm, confident way when you interact. For instance, you might calmly say “Hi” when you see your ex out in public.
- Avoid gossiping or badmouthing your ex. Try to say something positive or at least neutral about your ex. For example, you might say, “Oh, okay” if someone tells you that your ex is doing fine.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Focusing on Yourself

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Boost your self-esteem. If you focus on yourself and your self-esteem you can deal with an ex who seems okay after your breakup. Boosting your self-esteem will make it possible for you to recover from the breakup and be okay like your ex.
- Make a list of all of the good things about you. Include things about the way you look, skills you have, and things about your personality.
- Use positive self-talk with yourself. For example, get in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m a great person with a lot of great qualities.”
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Take care of your health. When you are dealing with a breakup, even if your ex seems fine, you need to do things to make sure that you are fine. It will be much harder for you to deal with your ex if you are tired, hungry, or just plain not feeling well.
- Avoid eating junk foods as a comfort. Instead, eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.
- Get 6 – 8 hours of sleep each night. An hour before bed, start preparing yourself to settle down and rest.
- Participate in physical activity on a regular basis. For example, start jogging, go swimming, or join an athletic team.
- Do not turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort.
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Express your feelings. You can deal with an ex who seems fine after your breakup if you make sure that you aren’t bottling your feelings up. Doing this can stress you and make the breakup more difficult to handle. Cope with the breakup and with your ex by expressing your feelings appropriately. Talk to friends and family members to help you process your feelings.
- Talk to someone close to you about how you are feeling. For example, you might say, “Would you mind talking with for a little while. I’m having some feelings about my breakup.”
- Avoid trying to talk to your ex about how you are feeling. They may not want to talk or respond to you the way you want them to.
- Try expressing yourself creatively. For instance, write a song or a poem or paint a picture about how you are feeling.
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Develop your interests. During your relationship you may have stopped doing some of the things you like to do in order to make time for your partner. You can deal with an ex who seems fine after your breakup if you focus on doing things that you enjoy and are interested in.
- Make a list of activities and events that you would like to participate in. Pick one thing off of the list and get information on how to participate in the activity.
- Make a list of skills and talents that you want to develop and how you can do so. For example, you might put fencing lessons on your list.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving On After the Breakup

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Reconnect with family and friends. One of the best things you can do after a breakup in order to move on is to make time for the people that are important to you. Reconnecting with people that you care about can provide you with support and encouragement. They can also help you deal with the fact that your ex seems fins after the breakup.
- Make time to just hang out with each other. You don’t have to have plans to do anything or go anywhere. You can just enjoy each other’s presence.
- When your friends and family invite you places accept their invitation. You could have a good time with them and meet new people.
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Reflect on what you have learned. Breaking up is a difficult process, and you may be feeling upset about everything that has happened. To help make yourself feel more positive, change your thinking about the breakup. Take the breakup as an opportunity for new growth and experiences. Use it to learn something new about yourself that you can apply to future relationships.
- For example, think about why the relationship ended. Take those problems, and improve on them in your next relationship.
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Keep a journal. Journaling can help you deal with an ex who seems fine after your breakup in a number of ways. Journaling is a way to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and set post-relationship goals for yourself.^{[2]
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- Make regular entries in your journal about how you feel about the breakup and how you feel about your ex.
- Include goals and action steps for moving on after the breakup in your journal. For example, you might write, “One of my goals is to save the money I was spending on date night.”
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Get help if needed. A breakup can cause depression, grief, and anxiety, but you can get help to ensure that you heal in a healthy and supported way. Reach out to a mental health professional who can coach you during this time.
- The therapist may ask details about your relationship, such as the state of the relationship before breaking up, how long you had been together, and whether the breakup was mutual or not.
- You can also reach out to friends and family members during this time.
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Be patient with yourself. No matter how the relationship ended or how your ex seems to be handling it, dealing with a breakup takes time. In order to cope with the breakup and deal with the fact that your ex seems fine, you should give yourself time to move on.
- Don’t let anyone tell you that you are taking too long moving on from the relationship. Give yourself time to heal and be okay.
- Remind yourself that everything takes time. Tell yourself, “There’s no deadline for moving on and being fine, so I don’t have to rush myself.”
- Consider talking to a professional if you have been having difficulty for a long time dealing with the breakup or seeing your ex seem fine.