How to Disarm a Narcissist: 11 Powerful Phrases

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: June 26, 2022 References

Have you ever wanted to get a narcissist to dial back the talk on how great they are or how inadequate you are? Or maybe just get the whole interaction over with ASAP? Of course you have! So keep reading for a full list of winning strategies for what to say to disarm a narcissist. Then, you just might be able to overcome their emotionally-draining self-centeredness and lack of empathy

1

“Can you give me some expert advice?”

Use flattery to turn a narcissist’s focus away from insulting you. They already think they’re an expert, so play into it. If you can handle having them go on and on about their successes and their great ideas, this is a great way to distract them from targeting you. And, if you do ask about a subject that they have some actual expertise in, you may get some useful advice out of the deal!^{[1]
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- “Joe, you’re obviously a gifted entrepreneur, what with all the success your businesses are having. Since you know so much about successfully starting new businesses, can you give me some advice on getting my business off the ground?”
- “I know you beat this game in like a day, which has to be some kind of record, so can you give me some tips on getting past the boss on Level 3?”

2

“You’re so awesome at that!”

Give a genuine compliment as another form of flattery. This is a variation on asking a flattering question, and it works equally well. Why? Because narcissists never get tired of positive feedback! Feeding their ego early on may make the interaction go more smoothly, since they’ll be less likely to feel disrespected. Keep in mind that generic or half-hearted praise is much less impactful than a genuine and specific compliment.^{[2]
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- “Anne, I’m still trying to figure out how you managed to get everyone such great seats to a sold-out show. You are bar-none the best negotiator I’ve ever seen!”
- “Those shoes are a perfect complement to your outfit. You have to be the sharpest dresser I know.”

3

“We messed up that situation, didn’t we?”

Include yourself in anything that could be taken as negative or critical. Making a “you” statement that can be taken as negative will feel like an attack to a narcissist, and they’ll strike back harder in return. By using “we” language, they may feel less under attack and less compelled to go on the offensive.^{[3]
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- “We’re both really competitive, so I suppose it’s no surprise we got into such a big blowup during the pickup game yesterday. Can we pretend that didn’t happen and move on?”
- “We must have missed the exit. Why do they have such poor signage on this highway?”

4

“I realize this is a difficult situation for you.”

Empathize calmly to potentially calm them down. Try this strategy if the narcissist is really angry about something—particularly if it’s something not directly connected to you. This simple affirmation may be enough to reduce their anger and make the interaction more manageable.^{[4]
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- “I understand that this is upsetting to you.”
- “I can get why you feel upset about what happened.”
- “I know this can’t be an easy thing for you to deal with.”

5

“What can I do to help you out here?”

Give them the chance to see they’re not facing everything alone. Narcissists can feel like everything is on their shoulders, so a simple offer of assistance might give them pause before they get really upset. It’s also possible they’ll just snap back something like “Nothing!”—but it may be worth a try anyway!^{[5]
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- “Is there some way I can give you a hand with this?”
- “I’d like to help—what can I do?”
- “Would it help if I took care of the paperwork this time?”

6

“Let’s agree to disagree and move on.”

Work toward a compromise that you can both generally accept. It’s pretty much impossible to convince a narcissist that they’re wrong and you’re right, no matter how strong the evidence is. They’re also not too interested in compromise, but may accept it if you approach it in a tactful way that leaves both of you feeling okay about the situation.^{[6]
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- “We should probably just agree to disagree on our presentation topic. How about if we ask Mr. Jenkins to select a topic for us?”
- “Instead of getting stuck in a disagreement over where to go for lunch, how about we each get takeout from our favorite spot and meet in the park for a picnic since it’s so nice outside?”

7

“We each deserve a fair chance to share our opinion.”

Refuse to let them silence you if you’re ready to assert yourself. Narcissists aim to completely dominate the interaction. They might continually interrupt you, correct you, or intentionally ignore what you say. If you choose to actively counter this effort instead of just trying to “get through it,” be direct in your assertion without attacking the narcissist directly. Simply request a fair chance to be heard.
- “We are both entitled to our own opinions and I want to express mine now.”
- “Can we please turn down the heat on this conversation? There are some important things I’d like to talk about.”
- “We each deserve a chance to be heard. You’ve had your turn, now I would like to have mine.”

8

“I understand where you’re coming from, but…”

Empathize with their perspective while confronting it as unreasonable. In other words, let the narcissist know that you recognize why they are responding and acting a certain way. But, follow this up with a clear statement on why this is not acceptable. Use phrasing along the lines of “I understand, but…”^{[7]
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- “I realize that you were raised to believe that everything is a zero-sum competition and that winning is the only thing that matters. But, saying hurtful things to other people to gain an advantage on them only drives them further away and isolates you.”
- “I understand that you naturally get very upset when things don’t go your way and you want to find out who’s to blame. However, blaming me for things I had no part in is unfair and unacceptable. You’re not trying to hurt me, but you do.”

9

“I am not responsible for your anger.”

Refuse to accept the blame for their emotional outburst. A narcissist will repeatedly blame you for their anger and refuse to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. You might think that accepting the blame will calm the situation, but it will instead motivate them to repeat the “blame game” now and in the future. Instead, be clear that they are in control of their anger, and that you refuse to take the blame.^{[8]
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- “It’s your decision to be so enraged about this situation, and I can’t do anything about that.”
- “Yes, I made a mistake today, but it is absolutely not my fault that you got so angry about it that you nearly got fired.”

10

“I cannot allow you to say things like that to me.”

Establish clear boundaries for your interaction. This strategy may backfire and make the narcissist feel like they’re being attacked, or it may succeed in reining them in at least somewhat. But standing your ground may be worth the chance, especially if you have to interact with the person often. For the best results, figure out your boundaries before the encounter begins instead of when you’re in the thick of things.
- “I will not stand here and try to talk to you if you’re going to continue throwing items around. That behavior is not acceptable.”
- “Do not make any more harsh comments about my weight, now or in the future. Those kinds of comments are unacceptable and rude.”

11

“If nothing changes, our relationship will have to end.”

Lay out clear consequences as leverage—and follow through if needed. Giving a narcissist an ultimatum is a risky strategy, so you have to be prepared to accept the consequences yourself. That said, laying out clear consequences may provide you with enough leverage to get the other person to make some changes—especially if you can find a way to make them feel like they’re in charge of the changes.^{[9]
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- “I know you don’t intend to be hurtful, but I simply can’t be your friend anymore if you don’t stop calling me that name. I know you have the power to make that change if you so choose.”
- “I refuse to keep going on this way. You’re in charge of deciding if you’re willing to make the necessary changes to keep this relationship going, or if it’s time for things to end between us.”