How to End a Toxic Friendship

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC

Last Updated: March 4, 2023 References Approved

Toxic people almost always deplete those around them. If you're walking on eggshells around someone constantly, it's appropriate to walk away from the relationship. End things on a clear note. You want to make sure someone knows that you're no longer interested in their companionship. Limit contact afterwards. Toxic people have a way of luring you back into their life, so stay away from the person in question. Give yourself time to heal. Ending a relationship is never easy, to go easy on yourself in the aftermath.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Ending Things Clearly

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Acknowledge the truth about the relationship. The first step from detangling from a toxic person is admitting what the relationship is.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.} Even if you've decided to ditch a toxic friend, you may still be hanging on to certain notions about your friendship. Be honest with yourself that the relationship is toxic and does not benefit you in any way. Not only will this help you abandon a toxic friend, but it will also help you have higher standards in the future.^{[2]
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- Think about what you get, if anything, out of the relationship. Chances are, you no longer have fun with this person. They are probably a drain on you. You probably feel exhausted after spending time with them.
- Accept you cannot make them change. Toxic people can sense when someone is pulling away, and will try to do things to get you back in their fold. Remind yourself that a toxic person is unlikely to change, even if they swear they will. This will prevent you from getting dragged back into the relationship.
- Mixed feelings are normal and to be expected, but that does not mean you should continue a toxic friendship. For example, you might truly admire or love your friend, and your friend might have some admirable traits, but that doesn't mean that the friendship can't be toxic. It is okay to love a friend, but to still want to move forward.
2
Form a script and practice it. Breaking off any friendship is tough, and abandoning a toxic friend can be particularly rough. Your friend may try to deny their wrongdoing or talk over you. Making a script ahead of time, and practicing, can help you stay calm and on track when confronting a toxic person.^{[3]
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- Write down all your thoughts first. Then, look over what you've written. Try to pull out the most important thoughts and form a few clear sentences explaining why you're ending the relationship.
- Practice your script a few times. You can practice in front of a mirror or just recite the words to yourself. You do not want to be reading off the script when you confront the person, so try to have your words more or less memorized before confronting your friend.
- There are many ways to leave a toxic relationship, and there isn't necessarily a mistaken way to do it unless safety might be in play.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.}
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3
Be as direct as possible. You want to make things clear when breaking off a toxic relationship. Toxic people can be very clingy and controlling and may not take no for an answer easily. Being as clear as possible can help you sever ties on no uncertain terms.^{[5]
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- You don't have to be brutal. Even if this person has hurt you tremendously, being unnecessarily aggressive can escalate the situation into a fight. Try to be clear without being insulting.
- State your feelings, and your expectations from here, as firmly as you can. For example, "I feel like I'm not getting anything out of this relationship. I do care about you, but it's becoming too hard for me to maintain this relationship. I think it would be best if we go our separate ways."
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Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Try to keep it short. You probably have a lot of feelings you want to express, but your friend will likely have a very short window of listening. You may even want to write it down before you say it so that you can keep it concise.
4
Make your boundaries clear. Decide where you want to go from here. Make a list of your personal boundaries ahead of time, and make sure to make these clear to the friend. If you don't want them, say, contacting your further, make this clear. Never apologize for having boundaries. These are important to a healthy relationship dynamic.^{[6]
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- State your boundaries as clearly as you can. For example, "I want to let you know, I don't want contact for a while. I need time and space to heal. I would like you to refrain from texting and calling me in the future."
- If you need to express boundaries to others, do so. For example, you may not want to see this person at group events. Let others know. For example, "As you know, I'm breaking off my friendship with Gillian. It's fine if you still hang out with her, but let me know ahead of time if she's going to be at a group event. I don't want to see her for a bit because I need the space."

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Limiting Contact

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Let the person know you don't want to see them again. Toxic people may struggle to understand your needs in any given situation. Toxic people tend to take advantage of empathetic, trusting people and may try to see you again after you break things off. Make it very clear that you do not wish to see them in the future and will not be contacting them from here.^{[7]
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- It's okay to be a little blunt here. Again, don't be aggressive, but be firm. Say something like, "I do not want to see you again, so please do not try to contact me."
- Toxic people may have trouble letting go, and attempt to get you back into their folds. To make it clear you were serious about not wanting further contact, ignore texts, calls, and emails. You may want to block the person's number.
- If material safety, physical safety, or the safety of children may be in play when you leave, consider seeking out external resources. There are many different domestic violence hotlines that can be consulted discreetly, so you can have help planning on how to exit from a toxic person's life safely.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jay Reid, LPCC
  Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
  Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.}
2
Get rid of the person on social media. There is no reason to continue interaction on social media if you have removed someone from your life. Delete, unfollow, or de-friend this person on various social media outlets. This will help you regulate your emotions better, as you will not constantly see updates on this person's life.^{[9]
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- Not everyone keeps social media profiles private. If your friend does not keep their Facebook or Twitter page protected from the public, resist the temptation to check up on them after deleting them. This is only likely to stir negative emotions, resulting in you feeling bad.
3
Reward yourself for limiting communication. It can be hard to let go of a relationship, even a bad one. A toxic friend may also have planted false ideas in your brain, such as the notion only they can understand you. You may have to create motivation for yourself. Give yourself small rewards for limiting communication.^{[10]
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- Set goals for yourself and reward yourself for achieving them. For example, if you ignore the person's texts for a week, treat yourself to a new outfit. If you don't check their Twitter for a month, buy yourself a meal at an expensive restaurant.
4
Find ways to fill the void. You do not want to end up returning to a toxic friendship. However, toxic friendships can take up a lot of time and energy. You will feel the absence of this person in your life, and may be lonely or confused for a while afterwards. In order to fill the void, keep busy.^{[11]
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- Take up a new hobby to keep yourself distracted. You could, for example, try knitting, sewing, baking, or anything else that interests you.
- Try to find new friends. Forming new, more positive relationships will help you feel happier and confident at having abandoned a toxic person. Join a club, volunteer, or go to an event alone and strike up a conversation with someone.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Coping Emotionally

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Accept uncomfortable feelings. After leaving a friendship, you will not feel 100% like yourself for a while. It's important to acknowledge and feel your emotions, even if they're negative. Rather than trying to push away uncomfortable feelings, accept them as they occur.^{[12]
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- Remember that relationships are difficult. No one is completely free from feelings of discomfort after breaking off an emotional bond. Do not try to fix negative feelings right away, as this will prevent you from working through your issues.
- Remind yourself relationships are about personal growth. While you may feel bad now, you've made an effort to make healthier choices about relationships in the future. This will ultimately benefit you, even if the moment is difficult.
2
Surround yourself with positive people. Once you've left a toxic person, surround yourself with those who remind you about all the good and positive things that come out of a relationship. Find healthy, positive role models to help you cope with your feelings and move forward.^{[13]
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- Reach out to your friends that are positive and supportive. Make plans to get together and hang out.
- Open up about what you've been going through. Be honest that you just ended a friendship and could use some extra support.
3
Identify your role in toxic relationships. Many people who end up in a toxic friendship have a tendency towards bad relationships. Look at your history with friends, romantic relationships, and family relationships. You may consistently play a certain role in relationships that is negative to you. Being aware of these kinds of patterns can help you break free from them.^{[14]
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- While you are not responsible for someone else's poor behavior, you may be vulnerable to toxic people for certain reasons. Maybe you tend to be passive in relationships and are uncomfortable stating your needs. Maybe you were taken advantage of emotionally by a parent or loved one at a young age, and are a people pleaser by nature.
- Figuring out why you end up in negative relationships is key to breaking the patterns. If you've been in a lot of toxic friendships, you may want to see a therapist to help address the issue.
4
Give it time. Do not expect to feel better overnight. Healing takes time. Do not push yourself to feel better right away. Allow yourself the time you need to mourn. It's normal to be upset for a few months after ending a friendship. Remind yourself this is temporary and that you will eventually feel better.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

Is it okay to end friendships?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

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Yes! Remind yourself that it's good to consider ending toxic relationships. That means you're doing something that prioritizes your well-being, which you could consider explaining to the friend. After that, as long as safety isn't in place, there probably isn't a wrong way to end that toxic friendship.
Question

Can you end a friendship over text?

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Expert Answer

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Yes! You don't have to see someone in-person to end your friendship. It's especially important to keep your distance if you're worried about your safety, the safety of your belongings, or the safety of someone else.