How to Gently Dump a Clingy "Friend"

Last Updated: November 4, 2022 References

Spending time with your friends can be fun, but everyone has their own limits on the amount of time that they can spend with a person. Sometimes a friend might be a bit too demanding of your time and attention, which can cause serious problems in the relationship. Before deciding to end the relationship, you may want to think about the seriousness of the problem and identify what needs to happen. You can also try some strategies to get more space for yourself and to set clear boundaries with your friend.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Focusing On Your Needs

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Think about how serious the problem is. Before you sit down to talk with your friend or worry further about the situation, it can be a good idea to take a step back and evaluate the relationship. Does your friend only occasionally act clingy or is she constantly trying to claim your full attention? Figuring out how serious and recurring her need for your attention is can help you decide what the next step should be.^{[1]
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- Maybe your friend was recently stressed out and needs some extra attention. If this is the case, the problem should resolve itself. Give him/her some extra time and try to get them to say whats going on. Dumping a friend thats going through a tough time will only make it worse. Remember, you have to be there when she/ he needs you!
- You may need to try and set boundaries if your friend is constantly demanding your attention. This is just plain toxic. But if hes going though a tough time, better to stay.
2
Avoid making excuses. Using excuses may work, in the short-term. However, it can get tiring and it sets up a false kind of boundary. Whenever possible, try to not use one-time excuses to avoid hanging out with your friend. If you don't want to visit with her, you may have to be more direct. Being direct can help her understand your needs and boundaries more clearly as opposed to making excuses.^{[2]
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- Don't say something like “I've got a doctors appointment” to buy yourself some free time.
- You will likely grow tired of coming up with excuses. Being direct can be more effective.
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3
Assess the situation. If your friend is truly being over-bearing and clingy, there is nothing wrong with focusing on your needs. A good friendship should go both ways, being a kind of give-and-take that works to build a stronger bond. If your friend is taking more than she gives back, it's perfectly fine to let them know how you feel and what you need.^{[3]
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- Don't be afraid to tell your friend that you feel like she is asking too much of you.
- A good friend will listen to you and give you the time and space that you need.
- Your own well-being is important. Don't neglect your own needs for those of your friend.
4
Try not to feel guilty. Thinking about your own needs over those of your friend may make you feel guilty or selfish. However, it's perfectly fine to consider thinking about the nature of your friendship and any problems it may have. Realizing that it's okay to think about what you need in a friendship can help you to avoid feelings of guilt.
- It's important to remember that your own needs are just as important.
- It can also help to remember that good friendships should make both people feel great and supported by the relationship.
5
Think about what you want to do. You may feel that your friendship can be saved. However, you may also realize that you don't feel like it can continue. Depending on how clingy your friend is being, you will need to make a choice to either work to fix the relationship or end it.
- Think about steps you may have already taken to fix the relationship. Have you already spoken to your friend about your space needs? Have you tried other strategies to distance yourself? If so, what happened? Did it work for a while or not at all?
- Consider how the friendship makes you feel. If it is draining and stressful to spend time with your friend, then it may be necessary to end it.
- Ask yourself if seeing your friend only once per week or twice per month would be enough distance, or if you really do need to end the friendship completely.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting Some Space

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Introduce your friend to new people. Your friend may feel that you are truly her only friend. If this is the case, it's easy to understand why she may want to spend so much time with you. Introducing your friend to some new people may help your friend to feel more connected to other people and start to branch out a bit more. This can be a good way for you both to enjoy the company of other people and still maintain your friendship.^{[4]
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- You can try hanging out together in larger groups to let your friend get to know other people.
- Ask your other friends to try and spend time with your clingy friend.
- If you tell your friend you are busy and can't hang out, suggest that they meet with other people who you both know.
2
Make plans you are comfortable with. Don't feel pressured into meeting with your friend if you don't want to. Whenever you are making plans, make sure that it's a plan you think would be enjoyable and that you have time for. Always make sure that any time you are meeting with your friend that it will be good for both of you.
- Don't feel pressured into meeting at a time or place that you don't want to. If you don’t want to meet up with your friend, then you might say something like, “That won’t work for me. Can we plan on a different day?”
- You might also want to set some basic limits. For example, you might meet your friend once a month for a movie night. You might approach this limit by saying something like, “I like seeing movies with you, but I really only have the time and money to see a movie once per month. Let’s make the first Friday of the month our movie night.”
3
Tell your friend what days are convenient for you. If your friend is constantly calling or texting, you might need to tell her some specific days and times that are okay for her to contact you. You might be at work or busy during certain times or days and unable to speak with your friend, or you might just not want to see your friend on certain days of the week.
- Try letting your friend know when you are free. For example, you might say, “I am really busy on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday, so I might not be able to talk at all on those days. However, you can call me after 5pm on Tuesday or Thursday, or any time on Saturday.”
4
Encourage your friend to seek help. In some cases, a friend may be clingy because of an issue that he or she cannot face alone. For example, it is possible that your friend might be clingy because of issues at home, a health problem, or something else that she does not want to face. Spending lots of time with you might be a way to distract herself from these issues.^{[6]
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- Try talking to your friend to see if you can determine if there is something going on that may be causing your friend to be so clingy. For example, you might say something like, “I have noticed that you are spending a lot more time with me. Is everything alright?”
- If you friend confides in you that she is struggling with something, then you might encourage her to speak to a counselor. For example, you might say, “That sounds really difficult. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone who can really help you.”
- Sometimes people are clingy because they're uncomfortable with spending time by themselves and being bored. Try encouraging your friend to embrace alone time and use it as an opportunity to explore their own interests.^{[7]
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  Peggy Rios, PhD
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  Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
5
Confront your friend. If your friend doesn't respond to your lowered levels of attention or other statements that you would like some time apart, you may need to confront her. Try to meet in a place where you can have a clear conversation and let your friend know exactly how you are feeling and what you need from her.^{[8]
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- You don't have to be mean or aggressive. Instead, focus on being honest and direct with your friend.
- You can talk with your friend about this in a friendly and understating tone. Try to state your feelings and needs while being empathetic to your friend.
- Try to speak using “I” statements and explain how you feel rather than how you view your friend’s clingy behavior.
- You might try saying something like “I really enjoy your company but I also need time to myself. I think we should see a little less of each other for a while.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dumping the Friend

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Identify your space needs. To get some space for yourself, you may have to set up some clear boundaries first. By setting clear boundaries, you may upset your friend, but you will be respecting yourself in the process. To set boundaries, you will first need to identify your personal space needs.^{[9]
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- Think about how much time you need to yourself to be happy. How often does your friend interfere with this alone time?
- Think about how you would like your friend’s behavior to change. What types of things would you like her to stop doing or to at least do less? Texting? Calling? Dropping by unannounced?
2
Explain your boundaries. Clearly setting boundaries might be necessary to let your friend know what you are comfortable with and what is not acceptable. This can help both of you express your feelings about the relationship and learn if it can continue. Be honest, kind, and understanding when setting your boundaries.^{[10]
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- If your friend invites herself along to events that you had already planned, then you might try saying “I love doing things with you, but I already made my plans for this night. Let's meet up another time.”
- If your friend calls or texts you late at night or at other inconvenient times, then you will need to explain to your friend what you would like her to do instead. For example, you might say something like, “I love our conversations, but it is hard for me to give you my full attention when I am at work. Can you call me a little after I finish work instead, like at 5:30?”
- If your friend gets upset or bombards you with more texts if you don’t respond right away, then you might say, “I enjoy getting a text from you but I can’t always respond right away. Can you try not to send me more than one text when you are waiting for a response?”
- To get your friend to respect your privacy when you are at home or out doing something without her, you might say, “I look forward to seeing you, but it is not always convenient for you to drop by unannounced. Can you just send me a text or call me before you come over to see if I am free?”
3
Be direct. Having this conversation with your friend will likely be difficult. It may be tempting to give concessions or speak in a way that doesn't express your feelings or needs accurately. Always speak clearly and directly when telling your friend that you need more personal space.
- Don't change your mind half-way through the conversation.
- Avoid being unclear. Saying something like "I love hanging out with you, but maybe, I don't know. Let's meet, once in a while? I mean, whenever, no big deal." is unclear, not confident, and won't get your message across.
4
Stay firm. Your friend may still try to enter into your personal space or go beyond the boundaries you've outlined. She may use guilt or other tactics to get you to change your mind, causing you to give in and give them attention. It's important that you stay strong and keep your rules in place.
- Giving in and breaking your own rules will send the message that your friend can still do whatever she wants.
- Although it may be difficult, keeping your own rules in place is the only way to address this problem.
5
End the relationship if needed. If your friend continues to ignore your requests for time apart or doesn't like that you asked for it in the first place, you may need to end the relationship. Although it can be painful, ending a relationship with someone who ignores your own well-being can ultimately be the best move for both of you.^{[12]
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- Friends who won't give you space or time apart, especially after you talk with them about it, are unlikely to respect you.
- Your friend may care more about her own needs than yours. This isn't how good friendships function.
- Don't let feelings of guilt or a sense of owing your friend keep you in a bad friendship. If they aren't respecting your needs, it's okay to leave the relationship.