How to Get Along With a Step Parent

It's not uncommon to have conflicts with a stepparent. Unlike other friendships and relationships which grow over time, stepparents have been invited into your family by a parent and you suddenly live together.[1] You may feel confused, angry, or sad about the many changes that happen all at once, and that's okay. While initial changes can be hard to adjust to, realize that it can and will get better with a little effort.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Acknowledging Your Feelings

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    Accept that change is hard. Don’t expect things to be totally smooth and easy when a stepparent enters your life. Know that things will change, and that adjusting to change might be difficult for you and your family. It’s okay to admit that the changes are hard and you don’t know how to act or feel.
    • Start a journal or diary to express your feelings. Write about the things that confuse you or frustrate you.[2]
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    Acknowledge feelings of loyalty. Sometimes you might feel like you absolutely hate your stepparent but don’t know why. Even if you like your stepparent, you may still struggle with feeling like your other parent is being replaced.[3] Especially if your other parent has died, it can be difficult to accept someone new coming in to your family. No one can replace your other parent, and just because you like your stepparent doesn’t mean your other parent has been replaced or that you care about your parent any less.
    • Ask yourself whether you genuinely don’t like your stepparent, or if it has more to do with not liking that your parent has remarried.[4]
    • It’s okay to admit that you like your stepparent while still loving both of your parents. Accepting and liking your stepparent doesn't mean you love your biological parents any less.
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    Ask yourself if you’re jealous of your parent’s time. You may miss spending time with your parent, or miss having special things that you and your parent did together. Now those times may be gone with the entrance of a stepparent. It’s okay to feel a sense of sadness or loss when a stepparent comes in. While it may feel like hostility toward your stepparent, recognize that you may be feeling sadness from a change in your relationship with your parent.[5]
    • If you miss special alone time with your parent, tell your parent you still want to do those special things together.
    • Don’t let your feelings affect your relationship with your stepparent. Your stepparent likely wants your approval and isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you.[6]
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    Expect some difficulties. Your life will change as a result of having a stepparent. Some things will be great, while others may be unpleasant. It’s okay to feel confused on how to feel, or to have mixed feelings about your stepparent. You might love some things your stepparent does, then hate other things. Know that while you will experience difficulties, it’s unlikely they will last forever.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Disagreeing With Your Stepparent

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    Stay calm. When you explain your side calmly, this helps your stepparent to see you as mature and not a child. Say your side without yelling or blowing up, and try to keep your cool. When you feel like things are heating up, take a step back and cool off.
    • Take some deep breaths to help you stay calm.
    • It can be especially hard to keep your cool when your stepparent is yelling or angry. Choose to be mature and stay calm.
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    Acknowledge your emotions. If you find yourself fighting with your stepparent and don’t know why, it may be unresolved feelings of loyalty toward your other parent, feeling jealous of your parent’s time, or having a hard time adjusting to all the changes.[7] Recognize that it’s okay to feel this way, and that dealing with all of your emotions at once can be hard. It’s important to understand and experience your emotions, and find a positive way to express and experience them.[8]
    • Recognize if you take your negative emotions out on your stepparent. You may feel confused or upset about changes and then fight with or blame your stepparent. Acknowledge these emotions and try to find less harmful ways to express your emotions.
    • Try your best to pinpoint what it is that is making you so upset.[9] The more specific you can get, the more likely you can communicate respectfully and address the real problem. So instead of just thinking, "I hate her!" you may find that you're really angry because your stepmom always expects you to babysit your younger step sibling, even when you have made other plans.
    • Learn to identify and accept your emotions without blaming other people or judging yourself.[10] It’s okay to feel mad, upset, frustrated, enraged, etc.
    • Expressing your emotions in a healthy ways can include writing, drawing, dancing, singing, and talking about how you feel.
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    Focus on expressing your needs, not attacking. Don’t accuse your stepparent, but instead focusing on expressing your needs and feelings. Attacking your stepparent may escalate the disagreement. Instead, focus on expressing your needs and not placing blame. [11]
    • There’s a difference between saying “You always tell me to babysit when you know I have plans with my friends” and “I already made plans with my friends and I’d like to enjoy my time with them.”
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    Listen to your stepparent. Listening shows that you respect the other person and care about what is being said. Don’t try to think about what to say next or cut off your stepparent in the middle of a sentence. Allow your stepparent to talk, and genuinely listen.[12]
    • Even if you really want to say something, wait for your stepparent to finish speaking, then talk.
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    Avoid put-downs and name calling. When someone accuses you of something, it really hurts. Don’t use name-calling and don’t intentionally say something you know is hurtful to your stepparent. It may feel good to say “You’re not my real parent!”, but this can be really hurtful. Words can do a lot of damage and can cause a lot of pain.[13]
    • A fight is not an appropriate time for sarcasm.
    • Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you’re so stupid, how can you say that?” consider saying “I disagree with you and feel misunderstood.”
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    Have compassion. Recognize that you’re not the only person struggling. It can be hard to be a stepparent and enter into a new family and have a new role as “stepparent.” Realize that the changes aren’t new to just you, but the are new to your stepparent, too. Your stepparent likely wants you to get along and begin a relationship together. Be patient, and recognize it can be hard to be a stepparent.[14]
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Communicating Your Needs

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    Talk to your parent. Tell your parent how you feel. Be open and share what is difficult about having a stepparent or changing your family. Say the things you miss, and say what adjustments have been hard for you. Don’t focus on the things you don’t like about your stepparent, but instead focus on what is hard for you.[15]
    • It’s easier to have these conversations when you are both calm and available. Don’t try to have this conversation during a fight.
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    Speak with your stepparent. Approaching your stepparent shows that you want the relationship to work and that you are reaching out. It can be difficult to initiate these conversations, but recognize that you want to get along with your stepparent and want to confront the difficulties you face.[16]
    • Express your thoughts and feelings, and let your stepparent know that you want things to go smoothly in your relationship.
    • Keep a positive mindset and don’t let the discussion turn into a fight. Chances are, your stepparent wants to get along and may not know how to reach out to you.
    • It can be helpful to have discussions with your parent and stepparent together, especially if you’re nervous to share how you feel. Ask your parent to support you in finding common ground with your stepparent. Don’t expect your parent to "take your side," but allow your parent to assist in the conversation going smoothly.
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    Reach out to a trusted adult. It can be helpful to talk to another adult who is not in your family, perhaps a coach, teacher, religious leader, or friend’s parent. This person can listen to you and help you work through the tough emotions. A trusted adult may offer advice or speak from experience from being a stepparent.
    • Consider talking to a school counselor. If things are really tense and don't seem to be getting any better, you might also talk to your parent about doing some family therapy.[17]
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    Confide in a friend. Friends are there to support you and care about you, no matter what you’re going through. You might have friends that also have a stepparent. They likely understand many of the difficulties of having a stepparent, and can help you work through the hard times.
    • Ask your friends how they get along with their stepparents, or what things have helped create a better relationship.
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References

  1. ↑ http://teenshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/stepparents.html#
  2. ↑ http://teenshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/stepparents.html#
  3. ↑ http://teenshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/stepparents.html#
  4. ↑ http://www.childrenscolorado.org/wellness-safety/health-library/for-kids/my-home-family/living-with-stepparents
  5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/blended.html#
  6. ↑ http://www.childrenscolorado.org/wellness-safety/health-library/for-kids/my-home-family/living-with-stepparents
  7. ↑ http://www.childrenscolorado.org/wellness-safety/health-library/for-kids/my-home-family/living-with-stepparents
  8. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/understand-emotions.html
  9. ↑ http://www.childrenscolorado.org/wellness-safety/health-library/for-kids/my-home-family/living-with-stepparents
  1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/emotional-reactions.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#
  2. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
  3. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
  4. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  6. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/blended.html#
  7. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/blended.html#
  8. ↑ http://www.childrenscolorado.org/wellness-safety/health-library/for-kids/my-home-family/living-with-stepparents

About This Article

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Co-authored by:
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 30,140 times.
2 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 17
Updated: January 7, 2023
Views: 30,140
Categories: Parents
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