How to Get over an Ex Who You Lost Your Virginity to at a Young Age

Co-authored by Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II

Last Updated: October 13, 2022

A breakup with anyone can be very difficult. For young people, emotions can feel particularly intense and difficult to control, so a breakup can make it feel like you will never be happy again. All of this goes double if the person you've broken up with is the person you lost your virginity to. Your first time having sex with someone is a powerful moment in your life, and it can feel impossible to get over. The reality is, however, that most people today do not spend the rest of their lives with the person they lost their virginity to, and almost everyone does eventually manage to move on.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Coping with Your Emotions

1
Accept your feelings. At the end of any relationship, there will be a period of grieving. You have suffered a loss, and so for a while, you are going to feel deeply sad. Accept and allow this. Take some time to cry and process what has happened.^{[1]
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- With major emotional experiences, psychologists say that our "firsts" are usually more memorable and continue to have emotional power throughout our lives. This means it's going to take some time to get over your ex. It also means you will probably never forget him.^{[2]
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  Research source} Rather than trying to forget, just accept your feelings as they are.
2
Get some perspective. By the same token, while emotional firsts are powerful, it is possible to exaggerate their importance. In our culture, losing one's virginity is often viewed as a major turning point in life, but for most people it really isn't a defining moment.^{[3]
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- After you've had a few days to grieve, try to put things in perspective. You are the same person you were before you lost your virginity.
- Keep in mind, too, that you get to define what the important romantic and sexual moments in your life are. If you don't want to look back at this as the sexual experience of your life, you don't have to. You've had one experience with one person, but a different type of sexual experience with someone else may be more special later. The "big moment" for you may not have happened yet.
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3
Avoid negative self-talk. For many people, when a relationship ends, there is a tendency to think negative thoughts about themselves. This is especially true if you are not the person who chose to end the relationship. These feelings of rejection can lead to negative self-talk.
- If you feel rejected by your ex, you might be telling yourself it happened because you are not good enough or not attractive enough. You might be telling yourself you won't find happiness again. If you've lost your virginity to someone and then been rejected, these ideas can be hard to push aside.
- If you notice yourself thinking these thoughts, try to replace them with more positive ideas. Your ex may not want to be with you anymore, but others will. Her rejection of you doesn't make you a lesser person in any way.
4
Be realistic about the future. When you're ready to start thinking about the future, there are two realities you should try to keep in mind. First, you will find happiness again. Second, you and your ex must go your own ways.
- Try to be realistic about your possibilities for future happiness. You were happy before this happened, and you will be happy again. In your life, you will love other people.
- Try not to dwell on thoughts about getting back together with your ex someday. Young love is powerful, but in most cases, doesn't last. You and your ex are both at a point in your lives where you are changing quickly and still discovering who you are. These changes usually push young people apart. It's no one's fault, and all you can do about it is move on with your life and allow your ex to do the same.
5
Try to contain the grief. For your own sake, try to limit the amount of time you spend grieving your ex. After a few days, if you can start setting your grief apart from other parts of your life, you can start to get past it.^{[4]
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- For example, you might decided that you are going to spend no more than an hour a day grieving your loss. Maybe you'll set aside two blocks of 30 minutes where you allow yourself to really feel the pain, but after that, go do something else that will keep your mind occupied. After a while, try cutting down to two 15 minute blocks.
- Some people find that putting their pain in an imaginary box that they open on a routine schedule starts to make that pain boring. Eventually, this can help you to lose interest in these sad feelings and get on with life.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Taking Action to Feel Better

1
Get some distance. As hard as it may be, when you are trying to get over the intense feelings you are currently experiencing, the best thing you can do is put as much distance between you and your ex as possible. Avoid seeing him, and don't call, text, or otherwise contact your ex.
- This doesn't mean you can't ever be friends, but as long as you still have strong romantic feelings towards that person, spending time with your ex is going to make it harder for you to move on by bringing up powerful memories again and again. Take some time, and if later you're ready to be friends and still want that, then give it a try.
- If you go to school with your ex, this can be difficult, especially if you have classes together. There's no need to be rude or pretend your ex doesn't exist, but avoid situations in which you have to interact. If necessary, ask him to do the same.
2
Talk to others. You don't have to go through this difficult time alone. Find a trusted friend or family member to share your feelings with. It's okay to ask for help.^{[5]
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- Psychologists have found that, even though it may seem like talking about your ex brings up more feelings of sadness or rejection, people who talk about their breakups regularly get over them more quickly.^{[6]
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- Losing your virginity is a sensitive topic, so make sure to confide in someone who you can trust not to judge you or share your personal feelings with others.
3
Put the memories away. Although you probably will never forget your ex, or losing your virginity to her, you also don't want to be reminded of this all the time. Put any objects you have that remind you of her somewhere you won't see them.
- This includes any gifts your ex gave you, pictures of the two of you together, or anything else along those lines.
- Some people decide to throw away or destroy these mementos, especially when they feel angry or rejected. Some people end up regretting that decision later. A better idea is to put them away in a box where you just won't see them. After you've gotten over your ex and are feeling less emotional, you can decide if you want to keep any of those items.
4
Write in a journal. Doing some private writing is a great way to process your emotions. Get a journal and use it to write about what you're feeling. You can use it like a diary, or write poems, stories, or songs about how you're feeling.
- This can be as valuable as talking to another person, and can be a place to vent feelings that you think might be too private to share with anyone.
- If good things happen that make you feel better about life, write about them in your journal too. This can help you start focusing more on positive changes in your life.
5
Rediscover yourself. After a breakup, many people struggle with who they are. Even in a short relationship, it's easy to start thinking of your connection to the other person as a key part of your identity.^{[7]
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Research source} Getting past this means rediscovering who you are without that person.
- This is a great time in your life to think about your own goals and to try new things. Maybe you'll take up a new hobby, spend more time with friends, start working out or playing sports, or make some life change you've been wanting to make for a long time.
- Focusing on the present and creating new positive experiences will help you move past your feelings for your ex.^{[8]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Moving On

1
Give it time. The unfortunate reality of any breakup is that it will take some time to get over, and there is no way to fast-forward through to end of the painful part. Accept that it will take a while to completely get over your ex, and don't try to rush it.
- Psychologists have found that it takes the average person 11 weeks to start feeling positive changes after the end of a relationship.^{[9]
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  Research source} Don't be surprised if it takes a little longer for you. The fact that there was a memorable "first" in your relationship makes this recovery emotionally intense.
2
Avoid rebounds. Many people feel that the best way to get over someone quickly is to go out and find someone else as soon as possible. Some people believe that having sex with another person will cause you to get over your ex. These "rebound" experiences, however, are often not healthy.
- Dating (or having sex) again before you are over your ex can lead you to make comparisons between the new person and someone you still may love. This can end up making you feel lonelier than you were before you started dating again.
- Rushing into a new relationship before you're over your ex can end painfully for both you and the new person you have started dating.^{[10]
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- Especially if losing your virginity was a negative experience, do not rush out and have sex with other people right away. A negative "first" like this sometimes leads people to seek out similar experiences with others, leading to more bad experiences and heartbreak.^{[11]
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  Research source} Wait until you have gotten your emotions under control before getting romantically or sexually involved again.
3
Start dating again when you feel ready. When you feel you are over your ex, or at least not dealing with intense emotional pain on a regular basis, you can start looking for a new relationship. Only you will know when it is the right time. Give yourself at lest a few months to emotionally heal and get over your ex.
- After a hard breakup, many people are afraid to love someone again. It can feel scary to open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. In the end, though, it's worth it. Having new romantic experiences will enrich your life and help you see that breaking up with the person who you lost your virginity to is not the end of the world.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can you get over your ex while still being friends?

Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II
Therapist
Ebony Eubanks is a Therapist, and Founder and CEO of Peaceful Living Counseling and Professional Services of Philadelphia, PA and in Hockessin, DE. With over a decade of experience providing counseling and coaching to individuals, couples, and groups, she specializes in depression, anxiety, couples work, life guidance coaching, and anger management. Ebony holds a Master’s in Social Work from Temple University and is a member of the Academy of Certified Social Workers. She is a Certified Anger Management Specialist-II, Level II trained Gottman Couples Therapist. and Certified Gestalt Therapist. Ebony also holds additional certifications in Advanced Clinician Training.

Ebony Eubanks, MSW, ACSW, CAMS-II

Therapist

Expert Answer

You can, but that's mostly a personal decision. If you are not in a space where you can be their friend, then you absolutely should not be with them. Put yourself first and tell them that you need a break to evaluate how to proceed.

Warnings

If you feel unable to cope with your feelings, you may need to seek professional help. If you experience thoughts of suicide or self-harm, talk to your parents or another trusted adult about seeking therapy.

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