How to Help Aging Parents Living Far Away

Co-authored by Casey Lee and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: July 6, 2022 References

As aging parents live longer lives and more adult children seem to relocate far away for work or other reasons, the number of long-distance caregivers continues to grow. If you are caring for your parents from a distance, know that there are at least seven million Americans in the same boat as you so you really shouldn’t feel any guilt about doing something wrong here.^{[1]
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Research source} As a long-distance caregiver, you can help coordinate care, address medical and financial issues, and assess living conditions, among other important jobs. Don’t be hard on yourself for not being close by; find ways to help and be an active presence in the life of your parents.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Gathering and Organizing Information

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Create a “care notebook.” Regardless of whether you are more comfortable with a file stored in the cloud or a folder on your nightstand, the need is the same. You should create a place where you can collect, store, and easily locate important information regarding care for your parent(s).^{[2]
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- By establishing a “one-stop” repository for important information and resources, you will make it not only easier to find what you need but also to share it with siblings, family members, or other caregivers. Distribute copies and provide updates as needed.
2
Identify local contacts. When you live far away, you simply cannot respond immediately (in person) to emergency or time-sensitive situations. By maintaining a list of local contacts who can provide assistance, you can help to ensure an immediate helping presence for your parent(s) when needed.^{[3]
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- Get names, numbers, emails, etc., for trusted neighbors, physicians, pharmacists, local caregivers, social workers, and so on, as well as detailed contact info for your parent(s) and other close family members. Keep them in the care notebook and distribute copies.
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Organize and help with paperwork. When you live far away from a parent, you can’t personally help much with tasks like picking up groceries, tidying up the house, and so on. You can, however, provide a wide range of important “administrative” roles, like organizing and dealing with medical, legal, and financial papers and information.^{[4]
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- Thanks to the internet, you can pay bills for your parent(s), keep tabs on healthcare issues and financial investments, and provide help in a range of other important areas that can sometimes overwhelm older adults.
- Don’t just “take over” without having a substantive discussion first, though. Make sure independence and privacy are respected. If you need to take a more active role, talk about getting “durable power of attorney” so you can make important decisions for your parent(s). For healthcare matters, you should be designated as a “healthcare proxy” and sign the required papers so you can discuss medical matters with doctors, insurers, etc.
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Coordinate local assistance. For all the help and support you can provide from afar and during occasional visits, often the time will come when your parent(s) need daily assistance. This may mean calling the local “agency on aging” to arrange for meal deliveries or visits from a home health aide, or it may mean hiring a “geriatric care manager” to help with ongoing care and decisions.^{[5]
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- Geriatric care managers are usually licensed nurses or social workers with experience in assessing the needs of and coordinating resources for seniors. Research and interview prospective candidates, and ask about their licensing, experience, pay rate, etc.
- To identify information on local resources and especially the availability of financial assistance, contact the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) in the U.S., or the comparable entity in other nations.^{[6]
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- Some areas of the U.S. also have programs in which trained USPS mail carriers can provide wellness checks on seniors (the Carrier Alert Program).^{[7]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making the Most of Calls and Visits

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Ask leading questions. It can be difficult to tell how a parent is doing over the phone, as you are likely to get a lot of “I’m fine” and “We’re doing OK” responses. You don’t want to turn your calls into interrogations — they should hopefully be calming and enjoyable for everyone involved — but do try to add in some basic detective work by way of questions that may draw out more detailed answers.^{[8]
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- For instance, instead of asking “Have you been eating?”, try “What’s on the lunch menu for today?” Or bring up the weather and see if you can lead your parent to talk about the last time he or she left the house.
- Even when you are visiting in person, come up with some questions that require more than a yes-or-no response about health, caring for the house, paying bills, etc.
- Truly listening to their answers might really help with the aloneness that they're probably feeling with old age.
- Instead of simply asking questions, make sure to also share a bit about your life, so they feel closer to you.
2
Assess and address living conditions. When you live far away, you probably only get to visit occasionally and usually with advance notice. This can make it easier for your parent(s) to mask problems going on at home. Before each visit, prepare a checklist of potential concerns (house maintenance, medication adherence, etc) you want to investigate while there.^{[9]
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- Make the most of each visit by planning ahead. See if you can align your visit with existing appointments so you can go along. Carve out some time to fix the leaky faucet or deal with the stack of bills you know has been piling up. Of course, also make sure you leave enough time to make the visit enjoyable for everyone.
3
Go to appointments with your parent(s). Especially if you’ve planned ahead with your visits, you should be able to tag along on medical, financial, legal, or other important appointments. Discuss the matter beforehand so you aren’t springing the idea on your parent(s) at the last minute, and be clear that you are there to be supportive and helpful, not to take over.^{[10]
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- Make sure you have obtained legal authorization to discuss a parent’s personal matters with a doctor, attorney, or financial advisor. Prepare a list of questions for yourself, and help your parent with questions he or she may have.
- If you are already actively involved in the organization and management of important matters while away from your parent(s), you can accomplish more during your visits.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Caring for Them and Yourself

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Discuss healthcare and end-of-life preferences. Whether or not you are the recognized “healthcare proxy” for a parent, you should engage in a thorough discussion regarding preferences for when a serious illness or the end of life arrives. It can require some tact and sensitivity to bring up such matters when your parents are healthy, but it is still preferable to waiting too long and missing the chance to clearly identify their wishes.^{[11]
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- Ideally, if you have siblings or other involved family members, you should try to hold a group meeting to discuss these important matters. Doing so before a serious situation arises can help keep everyone calm and focused, and more able to make rational decisions. Make sure your parents are as involved as possible, and in fact taking the lead if conditions allow it. They should be in charge of these important decisions whenever possible.
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Share the load with other family members. In many situations, the child who lives closest to an aging parent is left to shoulder most (or sometimes all) of the care responsibilities. If you live far away and have siblings (or other involved family members), try to work together to coordinate care so that everyone is contributing in a fair and sensible manner.^{[12]
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- Proximity will dictate how many responsibilities are divided, of course; the closest sibling is likely to be the one running to the store, while one who lives far away might pay bills online. Also consider your relative strengths and available time, though — a famously disorganized brother may not be the best choice for handling all the important paperwork, for example.
3
Consider options for moving. Especially if you don’t have other family members sharing the burden, you may want to consider shrinking the distance component of your long-distance care. This might involve moving your parent(s) into your home or to a residence closer to you. You might also think that it is a good idea for your parent(s) to move from home (and into a retirement community or assisted living facility, for instance) regardless of distance.^{[13]
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- Take time to consider the pros and cons of moving, though, because it is a significant decision to make. Moving your parent(s) into your home will probably save money and make daily care much easier, but it is also a major upheaval for all parties involved. Make sure you consult and consider the preferences of your parent(s). Will this be a welcome opportunity for closer bonding, or will the loss of independence and abandonment of a longtime home cause problems?
- Moving far away also means finding new doctors, new caregivers and helpers, new friends, and so on. Sometimes it is a necessary change, especially if your parent(s) are simply not safe or sufficiently cared for at home, but it shouldn’t be taken lightly.
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Take care of yourself too. Even if you aren’t providing direct care on a daily basis like a local caregiver, being a long-distance caregiver is physically and emotionally taxing. It can sometimes be even more stressful, because it is more difficult to perceive the difference you are making. In order to effectively care for your parent(s), though, you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.^{[15]
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- Long-distance caregivers may discount or ignore the amount of work they do to help loved ones, often because they don’t feel like they are doing the daily “hard work.” Even though most long-distance caregivers spend the equivalent of one day per week providing care, they tend to feel less satisfied and more guilty (for not doing enough) than close caregivers.^{[16]
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- Remember that there are seven million other people in the U.S. alone providing long-distance care. Wherever you live, you are not alone as a long-distance caregiver. Support networks are available, and talking to others going through the same challenges can provide significant emotional and even physical benefits.^{[17]
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